When to tell adult children

Jat1228

Hi, I've seen other posts where people have asked this question, but they've all had a spouse that knew what was going on. I live alone and I have 2 adult (mid 20's). I keep going back and forth as to what and when to tell them. My situation is, I had a 3D mammogram yesterday. I'm 58 and this is the first mammogram in 17 years (no lectures please, I know better). I got a call yesterday saying they needed to do a diagnostic mammogram and possible ultrasound. I went in today for that. They did the mammogram, skipped the ultrasound and went straight to scheduling a needle biopsy next week. Part of me wants to tell them now so that if the results are bad, that news won't come out of the blue. The other part doesn't want to tell them because if the results are good, there's no need to say anything. I know statistics are in favor of a good outcome, but the radiologist was so negative sounding. I don't have any palpable lumps, so I'm hoping that if the biopsy is positive for cancer, that it's been caught early. Thanks for any insight you can give me.

MelissaDallas

I'm 56 and my parents don't tell me things (usually) until after the fact on testing. I'm fine with this. I know they would tell me if there was anything to worry about.

At this point there really isn't a lot to tell. Would your kids get frightened and make you more anxious, all to find out there was nothing to worry about? Do you want one of them to go to the appointment with you?

gb2115

I was about 21 or so when my mom told me she had breast cancer. She already had her diagnosis. It turned out ok, and I wasn't upset for not knowing about the biopsy in advance.

I don't know what you should do, but thought I'd share that.

With my own cancer/biopsy, I ended up calling my parents to let them know ahead of time, but struggled with whether or not that was the right choice. I almost didn't tell them.

moth

I told my adult kids right away that I found a lump and then all the steps of doctor/diagnostic mammo/urgent referrals etc etc.

My parents tell me pretty much right away too about their scans and call backs et. Even if they're finding out good things, there's no reason not to share imo. We can all be happy together that the results are good.

NancyHB

I didn’t share anything with my adult kids until I had the path report in hand - which was doubly-difficult because I got my results the day before Thanksgiving and I was determined to NOT ruin the holiday with crappy news, so I waited until after. They have enough of their own worries that I didn’t want to add to them and heighten their anxiety if there was nothing to be worried about. With my second diagnosis I told them after the biopsy, but only because I had an immediate biopsy and the radiologist was quite certain it was a recurrence.

Every family dynamic is different; you have to do what’s best for you and yours.

NotBrokenJustBent

I was a similar age and had two adult children and no spouse and no support. I did not tell my children anything until I had the biopsy results and even then I sugar coated things and assured them I would be just fine even when I really didn't know. I was told that after 5 years the survival odds get very favorable and I passed on that info. They have been counting down the months and while now I know differently and with ER/PR+ my odds will forever remain the same, I let my children believe I will be out of danger in 5 months. Why have them worry? My job as a mother was to protect my cubs. I have never lied to them but only tell them what they need to know.

djmammo

This is just my opinion not specific medical advice

==========

If you do not need their assistance in getting a final diagnosis (such as driving to appointments etc) there is nothing to gain from telling them anything before you know the diagnosis, and there is a treatment plan in place.

In the event it is benign you have worried them needlessly. If malignant they will definitely ask "what's next then?" and you really should have an answer to that question prepared.

This is how my dad (also a physician) handled it with his family and how I handle it with mine.

teachermomfl

I have two adult children and one 16 year old. I had calcifications show on my annual mammo in Nov. Went back for diagnostic in December. Was referred for stereo biopsy in late December. MRI in January and excisional biopsy in early February. The only thing that showed was ADH. As you can see, this went on for quite a long period of time. I didn't tell them anything. That would be a long time for them to worry about something that was not cancerous. I agree with DJ Mammo, unless you need their help to drive to/from appointments, I would wait.

exbrnxgrl

This really depends on you and your children. My dd’s and I are close and tell each other things as they happen. I told them after my diagnostic mammo and younger dd went with me to the biopsy. But, that’s just how we are. You know your children and your family dynamic better than anyone. Wishing you the best

mustlovepoodles

I chose to wait until I had a diagnosis and a bit of a plan. My kids were 23 & 29. I presented the information calmly and reassured them that I was not going to die. They took me at my word and life went on. Same thing when DH was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer less than a year later. We waited until we had firm answers and a surgical plan in place. My kids seemed to appreciate that. Above all, I don't want to worry my kids and make them anxious, unless I have to.

lola12

I am in favor of telling them the truth. We want to shield our children from worry, but part of life is to love and support and to stand beside family at good and bad times. Tell them the odds are in your favor, but you want them to be aware of the situation. It strengthens relationships.

Jat1228

I appreciate all the responses. I actually ended up telling them. I had decided not to but then my daughter asked how the mammogram went. At that point I felt I had to be honest and tell what was going on. I also asked both how they would like it to be handled in the future if I had to have medical testing. Did they want to know about it before or after the results. Both said before, that they would be upset to find out after.