Dating a woman with breast cancer and need advice......

InLoveWithHer

Hello,

I've been dating a beautiful woman, since she found out that she had cancer, and I have come to adore her, in every way. I support her, in every way possible, that she will allow, and want so much more for her. I know she feels terrible, most of the time, and have accepted that sex is not in our present, but, she has become so afraid(?), I guess, of touch, that she will hardly let me hold her hand and hugging isn't as spontaneous as it should be, when it does occur, I notice she is avoiding holding me to her chest. I suspect the hugging is due to either pain or emotional trauma, but not holding hands or allowing me to lightly touch her shoulder/neck area, for example, we are at the store and she wants something from a few aisles away, normally, I would lightly touch her, acknowledge her need, and walk away). Have any female survivors gone through that with their BFs/spouses? Can you help me understand how she feels about being touched and what I should avoid? She has been in treatment for a year, including radiation, various chemos, and tamoxifen, but, didn't need a mastectomy. After removing a lump from her breast, spots were found in her lungs, and a large tumor behind her stomach. She is only 23.

Any insight/advice would be welcome, she means the world to me and I just want to help her journey through this, as best as I can.

Moderators

Oh, InLoveWithHer, we are sorry to hear all that you and your partner are going through. Each person reacts so differently to cancer and the physical and emotional changes. She is very young to be going through all this, navigating cancer, relationships, etc. If she isn't able to talk directly with you, perhaps seeking a couple's counseling could be a next step, just as a neutral place to verbalize and strategize how to help her navigate it all. We're thinking of you both!

illimae

I would suspect she’s dealing with a fair amount of pain or at least discomfort. Sex can be very painful at the moment but the general touching may be too. Many months after surgery I still have sore numbness and random nerve pains. Neuropathy from chemo can be quite painful too, at one point for me my fingernails hurt so badly that flipping the page of a book caused pain and sometimes when my husband would pet me, it felt like pressing on a bruise. Have you asked her about it? Maybe she can clarify what kind of touching is preferable or not.

Traveltext

Welcome to the forum InLoveWithHer. I agree with illime, communication is the key to solving many of the issues you mention. But you should understand that your friend has Stage IV breast cancer and she has lots more treatment ahead of her. She may also feel that your needs from her cant be fulfilled in her current state, as she tries her best just to adjust to her new life. A year into treatment is nothing, really. Just consider the time she's had in the various treatments and how this has impacted her self esteem and, of course, her body image. I'd suggest going with the flow for the midterm and just being there for her in a practical way. I certainly hope you can resolve matters and enjoy life together.

InLoveWithHer

Thank you, I forgot to mention the neuropathy, she has terrible foot pain. She has never mentioned it in her fingers, but, I do notice that she rubs her fingers, a lot, and when she does get her nails done, it isn't long before she rips them off.

I agree, that, communication is key. Some of our communication issues stem from troubles she was still working through, when we met. She has trust issues and, as long as I've known her, has been fiercely independent, to the point where she keeps things bottled up and I have to really coax things out of her or wait until she feels like sharing. Early on, she told me that she felt the need to go through this alone, but, although, I was sure it would happen, she never left me. I stayed available and faithful and have tried to be content with letting her come to me, on her own terms. She always finds her way back to me, but, it can be so nerve wracking, caring so much for someone, and having to wait for updates on her health.

Did/Do you suffer from hot flashes and was there anything your husband could do to help? She gets them and it completely changes her mood and attitude. For Valentine's Day, I took her to dinner and shopping. For the first couple of hours, she was so happy, laughing like she hasn't in months, but, out of the blue, hot flashes hit her, and, I saw her waste away before me. They took so much of her life force from her, it was like switching partners, halfway through a date.

I am older than her, and have reached a point in life, where meeting her needs, whatever they are, makes me the happiest, so, I understand and am content, knowing, that she doesn't have the capability to deal with much more than her own issues. I just want to be able to ease her suffering, in any way that I can, and know that sometimes others, who have been down that road, may have answers to her issues.

Thanks for taking the time to respond! I really appreciate it.

Pamela23

You sound like an amazing man. There is so much mental anguish, fear, and resentment tied to this disease. The physical and mental daily reminders sometimes get too much. You forget how to be carefree, almost a feeling of being lost because at the end of the day, you are the only one in this boat navigating through this journey. (And I'm only Stage 1!!) But the fallout of chemo is still affecting me and my husband is an amazing man who understands our sex life is on hold but I too pull away. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I don't want to "turn him on" by being receptive to cuddling or holding each other before we go to sleep, I know that sounds weird. But maybe it has something to do with that? The self esteem thing plays in too. "Why would someone be attracted to me when I look like this" sort of thing. I have so many feelings I'd like to share but he doesn't ask. I put up a front like "I've got this". I'm a strong woman, but I really don't have a handle on my mental state lately and have no way of telling him my REAL thoughts. It'd be so much easier for him to say "how are you, I mean, how are you REALLY?" All you can do is be open, and reassure her you are in this for HER and truly don't expect anything in return physically. Tell her what you described here. Her body language is saying she feels she has nothing to give. Tell her that you are looking for something to give, your love and support, with nothing in return. AndLLY occasionally ask her how's she's REALLY doing.

Traveltext

You are doing well nLoveWithHer.

Perhaps you've seen this post from another man on the forum:

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topics/...

Gorex

I'm new here. I can not give you advice. but I want to say that I admire you.

Polly_Ester

It is so awesome that you are trying to find advice. You actively want to help.

First, there isn't much that can help hot flashes. Some medications help. Klonazapam cut mine in frequency but didn't get rid of them. I've recently started taking melatonin for insomnia and that actually helps too.

I have similar problems in my relationship though. I have a background of trauma on top of the cancer crap. Now that I'm menopausal due to hysterectomy and hormone blockers, the entire way I process romantic affection has changed. My libido took a drastic fall. And it gives me bad anxiety that my boyfriend will feel like I've list interest. We are still working on coping with how I think and act now.

The best piece if advice I can give is try not to take it personally. Cancer and cancer treatment can do really weird stuff to a person and sometimes make us act in ways we can't properly explain.

The fact that you give your support and love means probably more than you know.

I wish both of you the best ❤️