Partners reaction to breast cancer

HBelle

I was treated for BC in 2008, chemo, mastectomy. I underwent reconstruction with a prosthesis within the same year. I had been married almost 20 years at the time. The cancer was discovered after breast reduction surgery. I never felt "less sexy or even shy of my body after the surgery. In fact I didn't want to waste a minute of my life feeling sorry for myself. I was greatful the cancer was found.

What I never expected was my husband's reaction to the diagnosis and treatment of the diseàse. Our intmacy seemed to change overnight and It was not me that turned away, I was desperate to reconnect. It was as if I was already dead in his eyes. As if I was suddenly sickly and weak. I had revealed my mortality, my vulnerability and was found wanting.

I had to help him adjust to the diagnosis rather than expect support for myself. I often went to treatments alone, kept doing aĺl the things I normally did, trying not to impact my family more than necessary.

Flash forward to 2018. I am divorcing my husband. I am healthy and whole. I was never less than before. Cancer showed the cracks in my husband's character. These cracks became fissures and I could not repair them. If I had it to do over I would have seen the writing on the wall in the beginning and ended it years ago.

Cancer will never define me as a person. NEVER

Georgia1

HBelle, thank you so much for sharing that - you sound like a really smart, thoughtful, "together" woman. My own view is that some men just can't handle mortality; if someone is sick or even God forbid has their period it makes them remember that death comes to us all and they just lose it. Good for you for being strong and knowing what you need to be happy. I wish you all the best!!

Moderators

Hi HBelle-

Thank you so much for sharing your story! We wish you the best!

The Mods

feliciascintillation

HBelle~ Thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a strong and positive woman. I have found my BC diagnosis and treatment sometimes offer me more clarity in situations which I didn't expect. Best of luck to you and your new beginning.

Traveltext

Good on you HBelle, what a great move. All the best for the future.

Dustien

HBelle, His Loss...Your Gain.  Cool!

If you get lonely, just pop in and start chatting.  I'm new here, but not to chatting.  Chatting always helped me get through the hardest time.  If it were not for the smoking cessation forum in about.com I'd still be smoking a pack a day and I'll bet this cancer of mine would be all screwed up.  Thanks to that forum and all it's great members, I've been smoke free for 12 years now (after 35 yrs of 1 pack a day).  No doubt in my mind that being smoke free has kept this cancer of mine small and well behaved until I could discover it on my yearly mammo in time to deal with it safely and quickly.

So during this time, if you find yourself missing the ex SOB (Son of a Female Dog) pop in here and replace him with your own SOBWs (Sisters of Beauty and Wisdom). In one 24 hour period I've learned that all in here are truly beautiful and truly wise, and I'd love to have them all as my sister!  Hope the same goes for you.

Congrats on being YOUR OWN WOMAN now!

Paco

HBelle,

Good for you. Sometimes it takes times of adversity to see someone's true colors. I'm sorry your marriage had to end but you made it through hell and back and you will continue to thrive going forward. Best wishes for your new life in 2018 and beyond.

Micmel

All I can say is poo poo on him. You’re a strong beautiful woman. The character of people certainly does come through during sickness, Ive lost friends, family, but he is the one in the end that is in no way whole. When Mr or Mrs. Kharma comes a knocking. You have no choice but to answer. Be strong! ~M~

HBelle

Wow, thanks for all the supportive responses. I am now realizing that moving forward with a new relationship requires me to trust another man. I thought I had worked through all the hurt and disappointment already. I recently had the opportunity to have sex with a man. It really was too soon for me regardless but there was a moment when I thought " Oh what the heck, go for it". Then I felt I had to tell him about my breast. I felt as if he was really uncomfortable. I made a quick exit and we have had a brief communication since then which seemed like a good bye. He may have just been annoyed that I didn't have sex with him and lead him on.

I made the right decision for myself. I don't know if I was reading his reaction as the same as my husband's. I had not considered the implications of being a breast cancer survivor and dating.

beach2beach

My husband and I have had a relationship of being together just for the kids for the past 8-9yrs. We live in the same house. Amicable. When I told him I may have cancer, his reply was wow, that sucks. When I told him I had cancer, not a supportive word came out of his mouth. Not I'm sorry, not it will be ok, not can i do anything, go anywhere with you. Nothing. I even had to ask if he was coming when I had the mastectomy. His reply, do you want me to? Maybe it's because sex has been off the table for the last 9years,,maybe more, but I still had some expectation that he would give me something being the mother of his children. I said to him, I'm the mother of your kids, don't you think you should be there in case? Ask me if I needed anything after surgery, come up and say how are you feeling. Nothing. To him, and it's my fault, life continued as always, I was up and doing everything right after. Thank goodness for good friends.

I realized that I would have gotten more care from a roommate. I was checked out of the marriage years ago, but this certainly changed the way I look at him as a person. Divorce on the horizon soon.

Glad you never saw yourself as less than. Glad you took control of your life and decided what you want you should have. I hope to get to that place soon.

HBelle

I am sorry you are going through this. I remember thinking that if one more person said to me that cancer has it's gifts I would scream. I have come to reframe that concept. Life presents us with the gifts of opportunity. This is your opportunity to honour yourself, to treat yourself with the same compassion you would extend to your children, to your friends. Any energy you expend on your spouse, on being disappointed, on being angry is draining your reserves. You shall be needing every ounce of energy for YOU and you are worth it.

Momine

HBelle, agree on all points. I took cancer the same way, as the time to take care of #1.

beach2beach

You are absolutely right , very well said.

gardengypsy

Three weeks ago, my partner of five years left me. I am a year and a half post-treatment, and my recovery has been very difficult. I have very bad neuropathy, I'm exhausted from the Gabapentin and Tamoxifen and our sex life suffered a lot. The entire experience knocked the sh*t out of me, yet he seemed not to understand. Although I was forced to retire from my teaching career and am receiving disability income, he continually pressured me to do things I was not ready for, such as travel. In therapy, he admitted to not being able to adjust to our new normal. With the exception of inquiring about retrieving his clothing from the house, he has not communicated with me at all. Although we own a house together, he has not once checked in on me to make sure that I am ok. For five years, he has been my main source ofphysical and moral support.

I am having trouble with closure. He has already been dating and I feel totally abandoned. My therapist, who specializes in oncology, says that relationships can really suffer with this diagnosis, treatment and recovery. I know this freedom will bring wonderful things, but for now, it sucks.

4everme

I feel the same way my husband Never went to a chemo treatment or radiation treatment especially the day I rung the bell, how alone that makes you feel but at the end of the day the struggle was Mine and I owned it and got through it. I have always been strong, I worked the entire time never missed a day but when I came home you would think the dishes could be washed or a meal brought, did not happen. We are still together but living like roommates I refuse to let it set me back. I’m okay for know but this WILL not last long. Thanks for sharing your stor

edwards750

I am so sorry you guys have not had the support you needed and deserved. Shame on your partners. So much for the vows in sickness and in health. I guess that applies as long as it doesn’t happen to them.

No one wants to go through the emotional and physical roller coaster that comes with this DX by yourself. My DH was supportive and did go to appointments and my surgeries but I also thought he believedokay I’m so strong and independent and I’ll just handle it. I did but not without help from friends, family and a church support group. They were godsends.

So if you can’t depend on your significant other lean on friends and family.

You can do this. We are all testaments to that. I’m 7 years out last August.

Diane

wallan

My DH too has never dealt with my BC experiences very well. The first time around he checked out. Went out every night. Never came to any appointments. As I was sick from chemo, he told me what a drag it was. I was not strong enough to deal it with then. So now, 14 years later, and a year and a half out of my second BC, he is more supportive, but not 100% like I would like. He pressures me to be more active and I just do not have the energy. He then says he understands and backs down. He is trying, so I give him more credit. He does now come with me to my appointments and was there for me during surgeries. So he learned something from the first time. I forgave him from the first time of lack of support after many years of talking it over and fighting about it too. We put it behind us. He has done something I don't like recently though. I am back at work at a highly stressful job that I am finding it difficult to cope with it. I do make decent money. My dear DH decided to just quit his job because he needs "a break" and besides I can support us both on my salary. I am pissed about this. On the other hand, he helps out alot at home. He says he will eventually find another job, but in my opinion he has retired at 57 depending on me to keep us afloat. So, I am struggling with this because I am finding it difficult to do my job with all the stress. I want to quit. But now I can't.

wallan

edwards750

No offense Wallan but your DH is a piece of work. He deserts you the first go around but does his due diligence second time around and then quits his job? Seriously? So in addition to the emotional and physical toll you are dealing with now you have the responsibility as the sole breadwinner?

I think it’s time for a come to Jesus one on one with him. You don’t deserve this. He should be ashamed he is putting this kind of pressure on you. BC is not a cold it’s a disease.

He needs to get a job ASAP. It’s supposed to be a partnership. I would be forceful. I know you don’t probably want to but he needs a wake up call.

Good luck!

Diane

WC3

wallan:

By "helps out a lot at home" do you mean you do most of the domestic responsibilities and he does some of them, or do you mean, he does most of them? If you are working and he isn't, he should do most of them.

wallan

Hey ladies:

Thanks for your feedback. I have friends who are astonished at his actions too. Seriously, they say? He just "quit" his job? So, I struggle with this. I am too energyless to deal with it really. He does do most of the housework and cooking, btw. He does think I am "fine" because I resumed my career aspirations after the first time. He sees the side effects and tiredness of my treatment now (surgeries and arimidex) and says he wouldn't take any meds that made him feel the way they make me feel. I am thinking of going to a lawyer for my options but haven't yet. Its just too much to take it all in right now.

Thanks for listening.

wallan

hapa

wallan - I don't know what state you live in but divorcing him now may just get you stuck with alimony payments since he has no income.

But...I think your relapse affected him more than he lets on. He may have quit because he couldn't concentrate and was getting flack about his performance, and he didn't want to lay that on you so he just said he needed a break. I hate that everybody recommends counseling and antidepressants for every problem on this board, but the two of you may benefit from some counseling. I get the impression that communication is lacking.

That being said, in every relationship there is the person who is more taken care of, and the one who is more the caretaker. You are obviously more the caretaker and your husband needs taken care of. Unfortunately, those role assignments aren't working out for you right now. I think in my marriage I was always definitely more of the caretaker but we managed to flip our roles somewhat once I got cancer. I don't think my marriage would have survived if we hadn't. If you do decide you want out of this marriage, definitely look into the alimony thing and maybe wait until he goes back to work to pull the trigger if necessary.

Your feelings are totally justified. I just wanted to add that.

edwards750

At the very least the two of you should have had a discussion before he just quit his job.

My DH and I reversed roles too when I was DX but it wasn’t long before it went back the other way - me patient and caregiver.He just took for granted I would handle it because I handled everything else. He would help if I asked him but he didn’t take the initiative. Sometimes being a strong independent woman can backfire. I’m not helpless and he did go to appointments with me but I didn’t really lean on him for support. I did with my friends.

I agree about the alimony. Better bide your time if you are seriously considering that move.

No matter what talk to him.

Diane

HBelle

You will know when you are ready to move forward. In the my experience, coming to terms with my mortality and coming to terms with my husbands reaction to the cancer diagnosis and treatment were two different challenges.

One cannot help but be altered emotionally from both experiences. I had to be compassionate with myself in both circumstances. Overtime I was able to honor my boundaries of what I would tolerate in my relationship. I am now officially divorced, I was able to go through the process in an honorable way and had to do all the work myself. My ex portrays himself as the victim as I called it quits. If my overcoming victimhood makes him a victim I can live with that!

wallan

So ladies, thank for all your heartfelt advice.

I did talk to my DH today. I brought it up when he told me he accepted a parttime job for a school bus driver. Its a few hours a day. I told him I felt it was unfair I was the sole breadwinner now and I am still under the weather from breast cancer and my job is very stressful. I can't quit my job now. He said I always say my job is stressful and he thinks I will never quit. He agrees it is unfair I have to be the sole breadwinner now but there is nothing he can do about it because there are no jobs out there for someone his age. He will be 57 this month. He said "what do you want me to do, kill myself?' And then said "I am sorry I let you down and left the room. He is in the bedroom sulking."

I feel extremely guilty. Yet, I am still angry he quit his job without foresight and expecting I would pick up the slack. The bus driver job will not support him if he was single. I am at a loss and not quite sure what the next step is.

Thanks for listening.

wallan

hapa

wallan, I don't know where you live, but if it's in the US there's no reason why a 57 year old can't find a job right now. The job market in the US is incredible for finding work at the moment. I'm an engineer and we just tried to hire a woman who was a stay at home mom for the last 17 years, had only 4 years of engineering experience before she quit to stay home. We offered her a SENIOR engineer position, typically reserved for someone with 8-15 years of experience, and she turned it down because she found a better job!!!! So I have a hard time believing there's nothing else out there for your hubby. I suppose I am preaching to the choir though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

ksusan

Threats to kill himself, even as an unhumorous joke, are a big red relationship flag. It's extremely manipulative.

wallan

I am in Canada, Ontario. I think there are jobs out there.. what an awesome thing for engineers though. It gives me impetus to look for another job!

DH claims he feels depressed and unmotivated and that the bus driver job is just what he needs to get his energy and motivation back. He says he has been beating himself up for not having any motivation to look for suitable work. He says he does want to retire because he is worn out and wants to just enjoy life. But he realizes he needs to work. So I am not sure .... I feel for him. He seems convincing. I am still pissed though and he says he thought when he quit he would get another job right away easily. Its been 3 months already though. I don't know...

I have made an appointment with a family law lawyer to figure out my financial options in case I do decide to split. I will go from there. It does suck.

wallan

edwards750

wallan - of course you want to believe and trust him because he’s your partner. No one knows him better than you and you have time and love invested in your relationship. I’m always reminded of the marriage vows specifically “in sickness and in health”in a situation like yours and a lot of ours too as well. I guess that applies to others but not ourselves because we think it will never happen to us.

I am offended by his comment he just wants to enjoy life and not work. Seriously? What about you? You know the one with BC? We don’t have that luxury to just pack it in whenever. He needs a reality check and grow up while you are at it.

Jobs are fairly plentiful where I live too. There’s something wrong with you being the sole breadwinner and he works PT driving a school bus. I had a friend whose husband “retired” early while she worked FT. It infuriated me and her. I just don’t understand how these guys can do that to someone they profess to love.

You will figure it out. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

Diane

wallan

wow. Thanks Diane. I appreciate your support.

I too feel there is something wrong with me being the sole breadwinner and him driving a school bus PT. Especially since I am recovering from my second BC bout and it hasn't even been two years yet, and I feel like crap from Arimidex SE. We have been discussing this more now. He does not realize the impact of BC. He thinks I am fine, cured. He says he thought my Arimidex was for cancer prevention and optional medicine that he does not understand why I take it since it leaves me feeling so crappy. He brought this up despite us discussing this ad nauseum for months and his attendance at MO and her explanation. He really thinks it seems that BC will never happen again, especially now that I had bilateral mastectomies. So this is one factor in his thinking and I told him it hurt me that he is so unattuned to my health situation. He said he sees I feel crappy and its shitty I need to work. He says all I need is more exercise and I will feel better. And then he says he is doing his very best. He says he always knew I would make more money than him since I am better educated. And he says he has worked at times in our married life where he made more money so he does not get or won't admit that what he is doing is selfish. I too have known husbands who have retired early while their wives still worked FT. It has not gone well usually.

My DH says if I feel I must leave my job then he is okay with my quitting and we will survive somehow. My revengeful mind thinks I am going to tell him I quit (but don't) and see what he does. I am sure he would panic.

I am seeing the lawyer on Monday to see my financial options.

wallan

hapa

Not only do I think you should tell him you quit, I think you should take a week or two off work and really commit to the ruse.

Vslush

Great idea Hapa!