My mother is trying to influence my decision

Paco

My mom is trying to talk me into a treatment option that seems to suit her. I haven't even been to the BS yet (appointment is on Monday) but she keeps pressuring me to do what her BC friends have done in the past. I don't understand why it's so important to her (she's 73 and has never had any significant health issues) but it is making it hard for me to talk to her. I don't even want to consider what happens when I don't take her advice and choose a different treatment path. Is this unusual or have others had this experience with their family members?

wallan

Hi Kellyoc519:

Hugs to you and sorry for your diagnosis. Its a stressful time.

My husband tried to influence my treatment decision. I was presented with the option to enter a clinical trial or take the standard Canadian treatment at the time. I opted for the clinical trial. I am glad I did because I have not had a recurrance for 14 years now. My husband acted hurt and it was hard to talk with him at the time, but he accepted it and we moved on.

My opinion is when people who love you are scared and afraid they will lose you, they want some control to feel like they are doing something. Some people, (like our mothers especially) think they know whats best.

I followed my gut and I don't regret it. I realized I needed to do what is right for me because it is my life afterall, not my husbands or mothers. I am the one going thru treatment and facing cancer in my body. I also benefited from pampering, taking care of myself and focussing on myself. If other people (like my husband) did not support that, I can't help them. I need me.

Good luck to you and another hug! These boards are amazing for support.

wallan

Peacetoallcuzweneedit

Oh my -lol- yes my mother tried to get me to come to Atlanta for my surgeries like daily ( I live in Los Angeles - was raised in Atlanta). She then tried to tell me to consider a LX vs the BMX I wanted like every hour. She then ( and in her defense because cancer has screwed up our family royally - my sister passed at 34 from cancer, my father passed of it, grandfather passed of it, all of my uncles on both sides passed of it (4), cousin passed of it, 1 of 4 aunt passed of it, 1 of 4 aunt fighting it, and my other sister has spots in both breasts that they are "watching" every 6mos) just acted like everything was ok and that I would attend the "family" vacation 3 days before my BMX. Because of our family history, I give her a break to live in denial and do what she needs to do...but we had to have "a come to Jesus" conversation about how my cancer would be handled and where it would be handled and how it would be handled...and she could get on board or not, but that I needed to have positive support now. She got in the game....but it took a while....I am 47yo btw - but your mom is your mom, and as she states quite frequently - "I am your mother I can say what I want."

Paco

Thanks for your replies Peacetoallcuzweneedit and wallan !

I am 48 and I have three kids (aged 23, 21 and 16) and my mom still doesn't seem to trust my judgement on anything! She even asked me to discuss with my husband (I have and will continue to) in case he is opposed to my desire to have a BMX (he's not but whose body is it anyway?). I was probably a little hard on my mom but I replied that I don't need to have permission from my husband to get the treatment that is the most comfortable to ME.

I think there is a little bit of denial there, yes, and a little bit of ignorance (God bless her). We have no cancer anywhere in my family history and I have a lot of female aunts and cousins, so I'm the first to blaze this particular trail. Sigh.

Peacetoallcuzweneedit

kellyoc519 I am always a little taken aback by the "check with the male in your life about their input" comment....I have no children but have been with the same man for 7yrs....he knew better than to ask me to have an opinion about MY choice with MY breasts. (He and I did have many conversations about my health, recurrence, best outcome for health- but I took my close female friends to appointments because and as he stated "I don't have breasts. Women do. I just want you healthy. Your friends there will have a better idea to help you with this decision")...however many people said to me - "well how does Jxxx feel?" "would he prefer a LX vs BMX??" In my mind, "I was like what the hell is wrong with you to ask that???" Because it was coming from a place of how would he be satisfied with the outcome vs a true conversation about my health outcomes...when I was choosing my size for implants - again these comments came (like they just rolled out of people's mouth without thinking, which that is human nature)....and at that point - I bit back and let people know, kind but very firm, about how I felt about those kinds of comments. I was correct about the source of the comments - meaning that some of the feedback I got was "well size is important and that if you are going to do it, you should let him have a say in size." I gave up at a certain point with any conversation because it was MY decision and pretty much took a "screw the rest of you" stance...

MelissaDallas

Her BC friends may have had a different kind of breast cancer, in which case their treatment options may be entirely inappropriate for you.

Spookiesmom

You’re big girl now. You can let mom rattle on about what she thinks, if you can stand it. Listen to YOUR gut and do what you think is best for you.

Sometimes moms think we're still toddlers and have to mind mom. My DD is 46, I still have to bite my tongue sometimes 🤪.

Meow13

Mom's don't stop telling you what to do while they are still breathing. Mine still tries to influence all my decision making and I am 59. I am sure my 2 boys think the same thing of me.

Denise-G

You know, I involved my mom in my treatment by mostly explaining what I needed so I could survive. I tried to calm her fears which were great since my dad died of pancreatic cancer. I took her to many of my medical appointments and chemo infusions. She was in her late 70s at the time.

Two years later, my mom was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer and by this time, she really trusted my

medical team who took her as a patient. Then 1 year later, her other child, my sister, was diagnosed with BC.

Unfortunately, we are now all experts. It was a great team effort that brought us all much closer.

My advice - make your own treatment decisions, but be understanding with your moms.

edwards750

I agree with wallan about the fear and need to control the situation somehow by others.

My husband never asked much less questioned my decision about treatment but we did talk about it. He knew I would make the call and he was supportive of whatever I decided. I didn’t have implants but I can’t imagine consulting him on that either. Likewise if he asks my opinion when warranted but the ultimate final decision ishis.

I think your mom means well after all she’s your mother and she loves you. My mother is no longer living but if she was I would probably say thanks Mom for caring but I’ve decided to do....my mother wouldn’t be mad. She was like that.

Diane

Meow13

I just smile at my mother. It is their job and duty to speak up they think they know better. In one ear out the other, on occasion I do take her advice.

Paco

edwards750

You hit a nerve there. My mom is still living so I guess that in itself should be treasured. She has backed off a bit and says she'll support any decision I make. So that's a win!

Linda19152

it is possible your mother is concerned about

you and believes that her experience was successful

have you considered that idea?

ksusan

It's also possible that other people can be overly intrusive and dismiss your decisions about your own body. It's something each person has to balance and determine on her own.

Amyadipose

my mother is deeply opposed to traditional treatments, I plan on combining natural with traditional. I can't even tell her about it yet. She will go ballistic. I'll have to preface my announcement with "I'm an adult, you've taught me well, trust me".

L-O-R-I

I just didn't tell my mom.  My husband and my one sister are the only people I told.  I see my mom all the time and she has no idea.  Way less stressful for me and there is nothing that I would do differently if she did add her 2 cents.  The last thing I would want to do is worry about her calling me every night crying and also talking to all of her friends about me.  Hopefully I will never have to tell her!    Lori

Jack-Bear

Dear Paco,

My mother is very similar to a few I have read about in response to your question. I have had surgery in the past and didn't tell her. She shares horrible outcomes of nearly every illness that you could imagine. She has attempted to send me a device that she was convinced would cure every & all illnesses or bodily defects.

I empathize with each of you with similar situations. I do not have to share any details with any family or friend that I choose not to. I have a good helpmate and he has cleaned and dressed more than one post-surgical site. I will choose him♥️

'Jack'