Does your doctor hug you?

inkster

I'm thinking about switching MOs. At first he was pretty gruff (and a little scary). The breast surgeon who runs the cancer center told me he is a brilliant clinician, which I took to mean that yeah, his bedside manner is rough but he knows what he's doing. Gradually he thawed and we joke around a bit. About a year ago he started doing breast exams in his office. Okay - everyone else has poked at 'em, so why not? He's never been anything but professional in this regard except that he does it without a nurse present (which is a huge risk for him). However, he's hugged me hello/goodbye the last couple visits, which is slightly freaking me out. I've never had any doctor do that, not even my pcp and I've been seeing her for ages. He's from the Midwest and maybe it's more common there? Dunno, so I turn to you. Have you ever had a doctor hug you? And does your MO do breast exams?

sheila888

Yes my MO does breast exam without a nurse.....

I had a BMX second time around but he checks it the scars

My B S always hugs me and I I hug her back..for me it's comforting...

But if it's making you uncomfortable when it's happening back yourself..

I don't know what else to say.

Good luck

Sheila 💚

EastcoastTS

I hugged my PS recently -- three times in one visit because it'll be the last for a while. But she's a woman!

But if anything makes you uncomfortable (gut feeling)...

Legomaster225

I'm from the Midwest. I love my doctors but the only one that has ever hugged me was my PCP when I first went in after confirmation of my cancer. To be fair I broke down in the exam room, my husband was with me and we have been going to him for 20 years so we've have a long history. It was comforting to me. My MO has not given me a breast exam yet but I've only seen him once since radiation finished. I'd be ok with a quick hug or a hand hold when I'm distraught in the office (or if he had really, really good news :-)but not on a regular basis. I'm not that demonstrative though. Some of my girlfriends are big huggers. I think everyone is different but if you're not comfortable back away so he gets the message or change doctors if you need to. You know what feels right to you.

runor

I told my MO that I thought I had a lump in my breast and he said, "I deal in drugs, not breasts, I wouldn't know a breast lump if one bit me, so you should have that looked at by someone who does it regularly and that is not me." Which I thought was honest. MOs are not front line medical doctors, at least not around here they aren't. By the time you see an MO here, the lump in your breast has been removed unless you need chemo before hand. Here the MO operates on the information provided from other sources and his feeling my breast has zero bearing on the treatment. That's what my MO told me.

I recently switched to a new doc and he was asking me how I am managing in the year since my diagnosis (the ONLY doc who has ever asked that question!) and I was sitting there with a blue paper sheet held against my chest because he had just felt the monster lump in my good boob. I said frankly the last year had been lousy and I feel like all hope and all my future had been stolen away from me. And he was silent for a moment with a truly stricken look on his face then he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big hug. Then he said, no, it is not so hopeless.

It took me by surprise and I wondered if I should feel creeped out by it. No. It seemed genuine and spontaneous. It was not calculated, at least it didn't feel that way. He is known to be very compassionate and kind. I think if your gut tells you this is wrong, go with your gut. If you have a good working relationship with this guy and can joke around and talk frankly, that is valuable. But your inner voice is the one to listen to.

Sara536

I don't consider my breasts particularly titillating anymore so I wouldn't associate a breast exam with lechery. Only one MO (female) I've seen gave me a breast exam. I read somewhere on this site that someone's MO insists on doing it every visit. If they don't, it seems a lost opportunity to get an exam by someone who knows what they're doing. (If they know what they're doing, Runor's doctor admitted he didn't.) Even good radiologists sometimes miss things on mammograms, and manual exams can miss something too. I say, the more poking - the better.

I recently ran across a discussion about hugging among doctors (I think it was on Medscape). If you don't like it, just say you're not a “huggy" person with a smile. That should get the message across that you're not comfortable with it. So much can be read into a hug. Is it genuine? Is it patronizing? Is it pity? Is it welcome or unwelcome...does the doctor need it more than you? Did either you or the doctor just get a divorce? Or... is it “trending” 🙄?

EastcoastTS

Oh, I should add that any MO I have seen (3 at various times) HAS done a breast exam. I don't see my BS anymore, so I want the exam. My gyno also does an exam.

Jujube43

My MO hugs me sometimes or puts his arm around my shoulder when he walks me down the hall for my port flush. He's young and I am not. I am his star patient and he's proud of how far I've come. He also does not have a nurse in the exam room. I find him to be lovely man and sometimes a hug is just a hug...After 4/12 years I've developed an affection for him. He's always been honest and encouraging and I appreciate him.

Peacetoallcuzweneedit

My MO gave me a breast exam at both appts - before my BMX and after. Do I hug my docs and do they hug me????? Um....my BS no - she is all business, but she does the gentle touch on your shoulder. My gyno - yes - especially after I was diagnosed, but we do not have a customary greet with a hug. My PS -yes he has hugged me. I've high fived my docs, and shaken hands, and hugged all the nurses and two radiologists that spent about 30min with me when I was diagnosed and then had to return for another biopsy. My nurses at the hospital - yes hugged- they went in for the hug first actually. Most of the huggers have been women, and the males have been high fivers...I'm not one to care about a nurse being in the room during exams, BUT I just heard a story from one other BC sister that experienced something she felt inappropriate with an MO and she reported it...

ksusan

My MO is my main doc--I no longer see my BS. She does a breast exam every time, and if she didn't, I'd ask her to, My male BS hugged me at our last visit. My female MO, GYN, and PCP all hug me, but I can tell they are watching me for a cue about whether I want that.

NotVeryBrave

I don't think I've ever had a doctor hug me. Not that I'm necessarily opposed - it just hasn't happened. All the doctors that gave me the bad news really didn't know me or have a relationship with me.

As far as breast exams - yeah, that kind of bothers me with the MO. He did an exam the first time I met him, before any treatment had been decided on. A nurse was present for that. He did at least one during chemo and one afterwards. He was against the BMX and wanted to check the scars the first time I saw him after surgery. I think he's done two exams since then. Everything since surgery has been without a nurse present.

IDK. I personally don't feel like he knows what he's doing. He's not a GYN or breast cancer specialist. I don't feel much in my breasts so that's doesn't bother me. Maybe he's curious or feels like he's supposed to do it. However - when I asked about a lump behind my nipple - he blew it off as nothing to worry about. When I saw the BS, she wondered why he didn't send me for imaging.

BellasMomToo

My PCP (female) hugged me at my first visit after I finished chemo. My MO (female) hugged me after my first office visit with her -- it was the visit where she explained my treatment plan. I had that 'deer in the headlights' look so I probably looked like I needed a hug. She also hugged me at the first follow up visit after finishing chemo. My GYN (male) hugged me at my first visit after I finished chemo -- he's been my GYN for over 25 years so he knows me pretty well.

My MO does give me breast exams. I had a UMX so she also checks that area too.

ShetlandPony

When I had a male MO, he did a breast exam the first visit, with my husband present. I got the idea this was sort of required protocol with a new patient. Then he said it was my choice whether he do a breast exam every few months, or let my female radiation oncologist do them since she also wanted follow-up visits. I chose her. Same institution. My current onc is female and always does a quick exam, and that is fine with me.

As far as hugging, I agree that you should go with what feels comfortable for you. One option is to step back and put out your hand for a handshake. If the hug feels wrong or off as in creepy, then change docs; you don't necessarily have to say why.

Hmm, I get hugs from the social workers who lead the support group, but I don't think I have had a doctor hug. My surgeon hand my held once as he was reassuring me, very sweet. You know, he was so comfortable and professional that he could be talking about and pointing at my breast and I did not feel uncomfortable about it. I think it really really depends on the people and the intentions.

feliciascintillation

Hi inkster~ Now I am sitting here thinking why hasn't my MO hugged me?! LOL. Me, I AM a hugger. My MO is NOT a hugger, ar least not with me. I believe every visit he has done a breast exam w/o a nurse present-my husband has been present a few times. I never feel uncomfortable and am happy that someone else is on the subject so to speak. I think only you can gauge how you feel and the whole vibe. Go with your instinct and if you are uncomfortable let him know.

EastcoastTS

I should say that I'm a hugger, so maybe I'm the one moving in for the hugs! Now I recall that I hugged my BS at one point. Maybe it was me!!! LOL (I have an all female team.)

VL22

I am not a hugger - only my husband, kids and my parents. The first BS I went to was very soft spoken and was a touchy huggy kind of guy. Very nice, but definitely not for me. I am awkward with that type of interaction

Snickersmom

I had my husband in the room with me for the visits with my BS before my surgery. He is a very warm and caring guy (early 50's, I think) who takes my hand(s) and squeezes them or puts his arm around me and gives me a hug when I'm leaving. I also get warm hugs from his PA and nurses. I didn't meet my MO until right after my surgery. He's quite a bit younger than I am and I wasn't sure if I would like him, but I loved him as soon as I met him. He is very understanding and doesn't care how long I sit there asking questions, crying, being scared, etc. He examines my chest/scars every 3 months when I see him and most times his nurse is in the room.

I'm only 5 feet tall and he is easily 6 feet, so a hug would probably be kind of awkward. But he is very warm and does put his arm around my shoulders when I'm leaving his office. I just don't have a problem with it and neither of them is at all inappropriate.

Tonir24

My MO is a hugger and so many ladies have said to me “I just love his hugs” and commented that they look forward to the visits for the hugs. He’s been not weird about it , I just think he’s a hugger. As far as breastbone exams, he didn’t them at every visit prior to chemo, but hasn’t done one since I started chemo

jo6359

I've only seen my Mo once. He did a breast exam as well as felt underneath both armpits.

Vitazza

Well my PCP hugged me when I came in for a visit after diagnosis.

My Surgeon is compassionate but NO.

My Oncologist (two) touch your shoulder. Hold your hand. I had an anxiety fed cry in one office and they brought in a colleague got me a consult and sat for a moment and just put their hand on my shoulder.

Next visit two weeks later I had a warm hug and how are you really doing ....

My Radiologist is a toucher and her Lead RN is a toucher.

I know that this particular institution stresses that the ckinical staff must make each patient feel like they are the only patient. I am very please with my care.

ruthbru

I'm a person initiates hugs if it seems warranted; very good news, very bad news, last day of a treatment, a doctor's retirement (I've outlasted two of them by now) etc. etc.. (I did a few dance steps with the surgeon who did my hysterectomy..... we are both dancers and he was impressed that I was out walking the hall so soon after surgery). Otherwise it is a warm handshake. I always ask medical personal questions about themselves, their families etc. and try to develop a personal relationship with them (both because I am interested and because it will make me more of a person and less of a statistic in their eyes......which, I figure, works in my best interests!). I don't feel the need for a nurse in the room for exams (and the more they want to poke around, the better chance there is that anything amiss would be caught early). I would say if you aren't comfortable with anything, speak up. Stick your hand out for a handshake right away.....before they come in for a hug. If you feel you would like a nurse in the room during an exam, ask for one.

Sammy3

Yes my MO hugs me all the time. Has from the first time I met him - and now 2 years later still does. He also does breast exams. I don't find it weird at all, but maybe its because that is how he was from the start. Honestly in the past I have never really liked the touchy/feely doctors. I think I prefer the ones who are pretty cut & dry and tell me how it is. But in his case, he is brilliant and I trust him so much, so the hugs are just an added bonus.

Luckynumber47

My female BS always hugs me. That hug she gave me after my first visit was so comforting. I saw her NPs at my last 2 visits. The first NP was wonderful and we really clicked. The second one was very professional and she gave me a very thorough exam but there was no friendliness and I really missed that. In fact I complained to my husband the whole ride home how I felt cheated. I kind of feel like my visits are mini celebrations - yay, 6 months farther away from diagnosis - so I guess I was disappointed that this visit didn't feel like a celebration.

Both my BS and MO examine my chest area looking for recurrance at each 6 month visit and I've never had a nurse in the room. Geez, at this point I've had so many people look at me I almost feel like we could do the exam in the hall.

octogirl

My MO does breast exams, as does his NP when I see her, no nurse/other nurse present in either case. He has never hugged me, neither did my BS, nor does my PCP. I think it would make me a little uncomfortable if MO did hug me, but that might be because it would be out of character. OTOH, he always seems a bit sad when I see him (which I attribute more to his overall professional duties, and don't take personally, since I am doing quite well)...and I do feel that he could use a hug!

I'd speak up, or put out your hand for a preemptive shake, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, before switching MOs, assuming you are happy with the care you are getting otherwise.

inkster

Hugging almost sounds like part of treatment. At any rate, it seems he isn't doing anything unusual so all is well.

Thank you all!

rdeesides

All my doctora hug me, but I have an all female team. I would be more freaked out by exams with no one present. But I’m sure all is well and he is just being warm and friendly.

farmerlucy

I've hugged my BS, onco, and ps. Generally after a very important appointment or if I won't see them for a while. I'm a hugger. I'm also originally from the Midwest - but displaced to OK. Now you want to talk about huggers . . .

AgathaNYC

Inkster - If you are at all freaked out that really is all that matters. If you're comfortable using body language to cut off the possibility of a hug maybe just do that? Otherwise I'd straight out tell him you're not a hugger in professional circumstances. Also you have every right to ask for a female nurse or PA to be present when he examines you.

My MO gives me a physical exam every two weeks when I go in the day of my chemo treatment. I'm doing neoadjuvant chemo before surgery so she is really my main doctor since I've been diagnosed. We have developed a very warm relationship but she's never hugged me. She calls me funny, cute nicknames, or complements my lipstick, things that could be seen as crossing into the "personal" realm - but no physical contact. Same with the members of her staff. I feel incredibly supported and reassured, but it's all non-physical.

I've only seen 2 male doctors since I started treatment and both had a female nurse present when examining me. Again, very kind and reassuring, but no hugs.

The hugging could be a hospital policy thing, or local culture. Don't know - it would freak me out I think, and I'm a hugger in my personal life.

I hope you resolve it in a way where you feel comfortable with your treatment team's behavior. You deserve that and it's your right.

Beatmon

My MO hugs me coming in and leaving. He usually examines my non feeling breasts, my heart, lungs, checks for edema....listens to me, asks me how I am, what I need. I don’t put on a gown, don’t wear a bra, my chest is easy to get to. He feels my clavicle, neck , back and arm pits.

I’m very at ease and confident in his care. In fact I would miss his hugs. But, like my friend farmer Lucy, I’m in Oklahoma.

But, the Big BUT, if you are not comfortable that is the important thing. You could always call the practice manager for the group and ask her advice on what to say to the Doc. I bet she will take care of it. ...and you will never have to say a word

Sadiesservant

It's funny that I noticed this thread today as I'm trying to figure out how I feel about a naturopathic oncologist that I saw for the first time yesterday.

First, I want to say that both my MO and my RO gave me breast exams throughout my years of follow up. I never saw this as unusual - just part of the process, particularly as I was part of a clinical trial with my RO. Now, given my situation, it is not really something anyone does. That horse is well and truly out of the barn!

With regards to hugging, my MO has never hugged me (nor has my PCP). When I reached the 10 year survival mark, my RO asked me if it was okay if he gave me a hug. I found it quite endearing and absolutely said yes. But yesterday I met a naturopathic oncologist for the first time. There were a number of issues during the appointment that made me take pause but, I must admit, I was shocked that at the end of the consultation he asked if he could "give me a squeeze". I found this completely inappropriate despite the fact that there was someone else in the room. It just felt weird to me for someone to do that who I had known for a nanosecond. Ultimately, it will likely factor into my decision as to how best to move forward. While naturopathic medicine may not be off the table, that guy likely is!

Denise-G

I'm from the Midwest and am a hugger. I initiated all the hugging with my MO, NP, BS...now they hug me.

After 6 years and my mom and sister both with BC as their patients, they are like family to me.

My RO used to ask if I wanted a nurse present.

I would just be blunt and say that you are not a hugger and would prefer not to hug.