Trying to move forward how to deal with regret

LoveLau

I am trying very hard to get my life back. I was on anestrozole for 1 year had depression everyday. Now on leitazole seems the same,I need ativan to get out of bed. Still very anxious. I cant let go of the fear but I am trying to. I have two main worries,

1) will it come back and how will I know, and the other is 2) did I do the right treatments. I was so anxious at the decision making that I just went along with the no chemo decision but I did have a bmx so it would not come back.

Maybe I am worried that I should have taken the chemo. The doctor said it won't help but she would " give to me if I wanted." I could not decide so I asked her for her to recommend chemo and she said no. I asked he if she ever recommended chemo and she said yes for her+ and something else. So why didn't she recommend it for me. Only thing was she asked me "if I ever heard that over 4 lymph nodes you need chemo". But my pathology report said I had only one lymph node the sentinal one. I sent email to ask about that but she said she would talk to me in person or on the phone but when 1 saw her and asked the question she evaded the answer. So could that be the problem. My path report said stage 1b but the 2nd opinion guy at sloan said 2a. I dont know if it is a new classification of 1b/2a or what. Could she be calling the tumor a lymph node and i didnt understand? The sloan guy said he didnt see the full path report. The dr told me the tumor was 1.3cm, then she said there was another behind it at 1 cm and a smaller one behind that not measurable lobular. but she said you don't add them you just take the biggest. The sloan guy said you add them. He said there was only one lymph node. So that's the problem. I keep thinking that I made the wrong decision and screwed myself up.

I want to find a way to accept myself and my decisions but I am sitting here spinning my wheels letting my life pass on by. I want to live my life, if I have 10 years or 10 days. I need help, if you can help me to see my way out let me know. I guess there are others with similar thoughts, how to move forward beyond this, I dont know. Maybe only by taking anti anxiety pills. I hate to take any pills now I take many. I am seeing psychiatrist and was seeing therapist but she didn't help. I think the Ai's are part of the problem but my decision is also part of it. If I had chemo I probably would feel the same. Many of you have figured out how to live with this. I have tried many things but nothing helps. I know I need to grow up and face life and my decisions but so far I have not been able to do so. Those of you who did the chemo can feel good that they did everything.

edwards750

I understand your fear factor. We all do but don’t be so hard on yourself. Your anxiety is normal. The fact your doctors have different opinions would be a concern but I’m sure there are a number of ladies who have had to take sides.

I have a friend who wanted a double MX. Her BS(coincidentally mine too) advised a lumpectomy. She said no and took her case to the director of a cancer center here. It’s not like they can tell you what to do - they can only advise you. Its your body and your life and by the way doctors are only human - not gods. This friend is a RN at St. Jude so she is very familiar with cancer and it’s effects. She had the MX.

Did you have an Oncotype test? I did. I had a micromet in the SN. Path report showed it. BS was surprised. My MO ordered the Oncotype test for me. She was undecided about treatment. My BS said it would get me chemo. Not his call. My score came back at 11 so I dodged chemo.

My Stage was changed too. BS had me as a 2a. MO said it should be 1b due to the size of my tumor. My Grade was 1.

Look there is no foolproof decision no matter what. You made yours so don’t second guess yourself or look back. You will drive yourself crazy.

Pills help but maybe you could join a support group. I did through my church. They are great. Such support for each other. We compare notes and doctors, etc. It helps to talk with people who know exactly how you feel. They can be such a comfort.

So try and relax, keep busy and find a support group. This website is great it has been my lifeline.

Btw I’m 6 years out last August.

Diane