How to deal with cancer and life crises?

SSInUK

Next week I have my terrifying 6 month PET scan that repeatedly confronts me with 'high risk of recurrence' status 1.5yrs out from TX. It fills me with terror every time, never less than facing a firing squad who may or may not shoot. But this time, I'm in the midst of my beloved dad dying in heart breaking circumstances with only a few weeks to go, trying to wrangle pain relief and hospice care for him and be there through daily hospital struggles - while also with his dying becoming responsible for the care of my mother who is living in the horror of dementia. I adore them and am so overwhelmed with their suffering and needs, I am paralysed with fear that a bad scan would destroy what's left of me emotionally - and make me wholky unable to help them. Meanwhile my 8 yr old is picking up my fear and stress and has become clingy needy and distressed (I'm a single parent) - while the company i run is facing crisis from my lack of attention. Breast cancer macerated me in ways I know you understand - but how can we possibly do life crises and grief and tragic family responsibility as well? Has anyone coped with this

sbelizabeth

Oh, SSinUK, I'm so sorry you're wrestling with all of this. Would it help to try to compartmentalize all the dishes that are spinning for you? Pet scan...Grieving and caring for your dad...Supporting and caring for your mom...reassuring and loving on your son...finding strength to direct attention to your business... This is all overwhelming.

It sounds to me like you need some help. Family members, neighbors, friends to help with the care of mom and dad and give you a respite time? A special time alone with your son? Right now it's all on your shoulders, and you're just one person with big needs of your own.

Gentle hugs!

xxyzed

My order of life crisis was different to yours but heaped on none the less. I had difficult pregnancy, followed by hard work children, followed by husband with cancer, then dad with cancer, then relapse husband, relapse dad, rinse and repeat a few times, then death of husband and death of dad and now finally the stage 3c Breast cancer for which I am 18 months into treatment.

I can’t say I do any of it particularly well. When I compartmentalise I can see most compartments aren’t working out. Both the kids and I struggle emotionally, my jobs not really working out and while I have some good family support and friends most people have run for the hills. I just wasn’t able to carry on with normal life. All I can suggest is put one foot in front of the other, hold your family close, outsource what you can and worry about picking up the pieces later. Sometimes it’s all you can do to put out the immediate fire before you move on to the next.

Good luck with the scan. Yes it will be terrifying and emotional but hopefully you get the all clear and it will be another thing to put behind you for another 6 months.

lkc

scanxiety is very real, and I think we all experience it. Esp. In the early days... I know my anxiety Was always off the charts come scan time.

You have my sincere prayers and good wishes for your father and mother during this Time. I know it is hard, but you will get though this difficult time and you will be ok.
It's always the fear that gets to us.
Gentle hugs and comforting thoughts.

katykaty

Hi SSinUK - life feels so overwhelming at times. I was diagnosed in early December 2016 and am still in treatment (Herceptin only now til March). On this day 1 year ago my youngest brother was diagnosed with a Stage 4 Brain cancer and we lost him on August 7 2017. I was in the early throes of chemo at his diagnosis and then daily radiation at the time he was admitted in his final stages and it was devastating to not be able to be there as much for him as I would have been able to be had I been healthy. I visited him as much as I could and made meals to encourage him to eat but it wasn't what I could have done had I not been in the midst of treatment. Our parents have not been supportive at all for me but were for him and I'm thankful he passed knowing we were all around him. I also run my own business which has been a challenge to keep afloat during this time.

I have three children (now 23, 20 and 18) and when my middle one was 2 he was diagnosed with leukaemia. The other two were 5 and 5 months at the time. In those days I was terrified with worry and Tom went through 2 years of chemo. I used to compartmentalise as sbelizabeth recommended and allowed myself a certain time period a day to feel the fear and worry - and then not allow it again for the rest of the day. For the rest of the day I had to focus on the beautiful things the kids were doing, their little milestones and achievements, or on the work I was doing. I also made myself think of 5 beautiful things that had happened in the day as I was in bed in each night to re-frame the day from the horror of fear into gratitude for the present.

I've tried that again now but it doesn't seem to work as well as it did - or maybe I have just forgotten how hard it is to be that mentally strong. It's a fine line to work out how to be kind to yourself but tough at the same time. I draw strength from some beautiful friends who have weathered all my storms with me and from everyone here who has gone before me in the breast cancer journey.

I hope your tests come back clear and you can slot that worry away. And that you find some peace in each day to reflect on the love and beauty around you and that your family bring you.

SSInUK

Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding, am reading all your replies but a little overwhelmed to reply coherently. I can’t muster grace and wisdom, i so appreciate you let me borrow yours

7of9

SS - My father died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack 10 days after my double mastectomy. It was hell. The only people who can relate are first responders and war vets it seems to me. Reading some of the biographies my husband reads helped, about war heros and war documentaries. Seriously - seeing how these courageous men and women coped gave me strength and courage. The Ghost Army is an excellent documentary as is one on (I'm going to mess this up) Korengal Valley? A group of guys that were stationed in some valley in Afghanistan for a year. I didn't do well, don't relate to many of the other survivor stories - but the ones told from these guys that looked back with a sad sense of (not humor...humanity?) That, planning my next vacation, a quiet walk in the woods (and I mean quiet...not my husband, my son, my friend...me and my dog quiet) or a vigorous walk on the treadmill burns stress BIGTIME. Sending you hugs. I'd send an Attivan but it's not legal and I'm greedy. love and understanding....

Newnorm

Hi SSInUK

Wow, you are sure drawing the short straw, as are many in this thread. Those scans make the anxiety soar. I get it. I’ve used meditation since my diagnosis and it’s really quite helpful. In fact my anxious 12 yr old daughter now uses and it has helped her too. My 7yr old son often asks for a sleep meditation when he goes to bed.

There is a free app called Insight timer

It’s excellent and has different topics to choose from. There is whole section for kids and teens.

Hugs from afar. We are near in thought. Xxxx

SSInUK

Thank you all so much. Just to say my scan was clear - but as my father is a few days from death it was more relief than celebration. The idea of soldiers in war ploughing forward with death all around made huge sense to me and was a comfort - humans do this. hank you

waytooanxiousmommy

So sorry. Love and hugs to you. I am not sure why there are times when we get more in life than we are prepared to deal with but I hope you have lots of loving people around you and most of all that you are able to love and forgive yourself for your humanness, the fear and how difficult it can be to be there for your kids in the way you want to be even though you are trying your very best