Emotions

finallyoverit

Just curious.. I know everyone is different but how long did it take after diagnosis for you not to cry or rage at the littlest thing? I'm on Ativan but still feel like my emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm feeling fine, the next I'm crying and the next I'm fuming mad about something.

I honestly don't know if it's dx, stage IV, residual symptoms from a spinal fusion, a job I'm not thrilled with or a combination of everything. I just feel stuck.

Can anyone relate?

bigbhome

Finally, it sure sounds like you have a lot going on! I hate that you are unhappy with your job. That would affect anyone negatively. Between the diagnosis, the surgery and the job, I would be an emotional mess too! You are being way to hard on yourself. I'm not sure what you mean by feeling stuck. Stuck in your job? Stuck with your diagnosis? Just stuck in a bad place by all of it? I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug! You really need one!

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to make it all better! What are the chances that you could get a different job? Or can you pinpoint what about your job that is causing so much angst? If so, is it something that you can change? Just wondering.

I can tell you that with this diagnosis, I have a much harder time dealing with any stress. Simple, everyday stressors can make me cry. I am not a cryer, but I sure have done a lot of it in the past 5 1/2years. Also, grieving for your past life takes time. Each and every one of us is different and we all take whatever time we need. Please keep venting here. It is a great outlet, and more people will pop up in support for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Claudia

DivineMrsM

finallyoverit, that's a really good question. For me, it took about a year. I take buspar, which is antianxiety medicine. But, with such a dramatic event as being diagnosed with mbc, many/most of us begin to reassess where our life is at and make changes in different areas of our life. Somethng in our core being has been altered, and our life on the outside changes over time, too.

I stopped doing what I felt I was doing out of obligation. I stopped worrying if I didnt do this or that was it going to hurt someone's feelings, or was someone not gonna like me. I began allowing my own feelings to come out in front and guide me. I couldnt believe how much I had shoved my own wants and needs down to take care of everyone else.

I began adding more fun to my life. I planned a trip, I got concert tickets, I played a fun game on my ipad and tuned everything out. I tried something new at least once a month. It is about getting out of our comfort zone and pushing the boundaries, giving your mind a break from all things mbc and thinking about something else. It is about giving yourself current fun experiences to have something to think about rather than the trauma of that shitty thing that came into your life.

As time has gone on, I found ways to simplify lots of things and thats helped a lot. I decluttered the house over many months. This Christmas I did less decorating and still had a nice holiday, simplified gift buying and bought cookies instead of baking them. I only wish I'd been this smart a long time ago!

Keeping a journal really helps. Try to write three pages every day and dont censor yourself. Write whatever comes to mind. It can be on anything at all. It is very cathartic, and can help you sort out feelings and figure out troubles.

Ask yourself what is working and not working in your life. I learned to stay away from toxic people. It also makes me feel better to be with small groups of people, two or three, rather than constant, hectic big gatherings. I look for meaningful interactions and learned I like quality over quantity. I'm okay with spending more quiet time to myself or dh and yet I don't feel isolated.

I always was one to assess my life frm time to time, and now I notice whats not working for me a lot sooner and cut it from my life.

finallyoverit

Thanks ladies. I have a lot of soul searching to do. Only about 4 close family members know about my diagnosis which makes things both easier and harder.. No one at work knows.. I just couldn't stomach the looks of pity I was sure to get. Sure, some would be supportive but I just couldn't stand those "looks" so I've told no one. I feel sort of in limbo.. stuck between fear and really not knowing what I want out of people when/if they aware. I know I now qualify for SSDI (lucky me) but I'm no where near Medicare age and can't bankroll the 2 year waiting period. I honestly feel stuck.. maybe out of fear, possibly of something else, but I feel stuck. This whole freaking disease sucks monkey balls.

Cure-ious

finally- I freaked out and anti-anxiety/anti-depressants didn't really do much more for me than masking the pain/problem, so eventually I dropped them. For me, what took all of that away was reading about the recent work in cancer therapies, and understanding how promising some of these new approaches are, and how much more is in the pipeline than even my doctors knew about, and especially that it was not a given that immunotherapy could not work, that it just needed to be presented in the right combination, there was no inherent reason that breast cancer should be able to resist to eradication by our immune system. That calmed me down to the extent that my life is as normal as it was before, and I haven't gone back (at least yet) since I reached a stable situation, and then for "maintenance" I just come on hear to find out what everyone is doing and thinking and process it all.

I would encourage you not to discuss your medical condition with anyone who does not have a need to know. Our daily life is so different from what most people imagine it would be, and our prospects are so much better as well. The medical community want us to treat MBC as a chronic condition, and while way too many women are dying and suffering at this time for that to be reality, it is the future of this disease, and so if you wouldn't rush over to tell a co-worker or your boss or your staff that you got a diagnosis of diabetes or Parkinson's, then don't both telling them about this either. And what difference would it make?- nobody knows your fate regardless, neither you nor your doctors- really, a "terminal diagnosis" should be something one gets only when their life expectancy is under a year.

Lauriesh

while Ativan is good for anxiety, it does not help with depression. The agitation, the crying are signs of depression and going on an antidepressant could help. After diagnosis, I went on Wellbutrin and it helped tremendously.

DivineMrsM

I also get stressed out easily like bigbhome. That is why it helps me to keep things simple. And for over five years, only a few close family members knew of the stage iv dx. I was glad I kept that info close to the vest as I didnt want those pity looks either, and I didnt want the false acts of concern from those who merely wanted some latest gossip.

Like Lauriesh, After several years, I felt the need for antidepressant and went on Wellbutrin as well as the antianxiety medicineand it helped.

Soul searching is a good thing. It is a process. There is a quote out there about being patient with all that is unresolved in your heart and learning to be comfortable with the questions. I know some people hate calling this a journey, yet, in some respects, we do go thru different things now that we are in his new, unexplored territory. Best wishes to you, finallyoverit!

pajim

finallyoverit, you've been through a lot. The recovery from the fusion could certainly be still bugging you. It took me a year before I could physically do all the things as before. It made me frustrated. From your description, that's a lot of what you are feeling.

So don't be hard on yourself. Asking yourself some questions as DivineMrsM suggests might help.

I can tell you what helped me. I still work but I love my job. A few people there know I have MBC. Some knew and have since forgotten since it's been almost five years. Soon after diagnosis I read all the company's paperwork on STD and LTD. It comforted me that I wouldn't run out of money. Then I went in to see someone I trust in HR and told her. They had to know anyway because I was recovering from the fusion and there was all sorts of paperwork. We discussed my options and I felt like they had my back. In fact, her basic response was "what can we do for you now? What do you need?". I KNOW she hasn't told anyone else, even in HR, because it's obvious others don't know.

You need to think long term. If you don't like your job, hunt for another? It can be tough with this disease. It sounds like you don't think the current folks would be very supportive and I'm sorry about that. What do you want to be doing 5 years from now?

One other thought: If only four people know about this, do you have a support system? Someone who says "gee you look great" or "dang I'm sorry you're so tired" or "clean scans? YEAH!!" We on the boards can help with that but a few in-person people would be good. They can provide physical hugs.

Meantime I can offer some virtual hugs.

bigbhome

Finally, We all have to find our new normal. I too take an antidepressant medication and I have Ativan on hand for when life gets a little stressful. I try to be very careful not to start relying on it. I have been doing meditation, which I never did before. It really has helped. For me, it was a process. It took time to develop. But now, the deep breathing and meditation, make a lot of difference. You should be able to access a few of these services through your Mo. Ask about a social worker. They do more than financial help.

I have had 5 1/2years to learn all of these helpful techniques. I just found this group of wonderful people in April 2017, one of the best thing that had happened to me. I think if I had found them sooner, it would not have taken so long to get where I am today. This group will become like family and support you through the good, bad and ugly of this disease. You will find information on se's, that you won't get anywhere else.

Hugs and prayers,

Claudia

yangtan

okay, so I am not insane. Thank you for sharing and for being so frank. It’s has been over three years of ups and downs. I should have gotten used to this new normal but I still cry and feel so sorry for myself. I think melatonin to help sleep. At times I take cold tablets to knock me out.I think I should ask for anti depressants from my doctor.

cive

"sucks monkey balls"... not sure what they are but I'm sure they suck and I may steal that phrase.

artistatheart

LOL cive......

Lots of great advice here that I need to be reminded of periodically. I would also agree to not be too hard on yourself. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I still get "set off" here and there. Mostly before scans, results, or procedures. We are going through trial by for so we deserve to grieve occasionally. Otherwise, take one day at a time. You will be surprised how you learn to cope little by little.

finallyoverit

Thank you everyone for your input and suggestions. It really has given me a lot to think about. I think the overriding theme here is to be easier on myself and accept this as a process. There are going to be good days and not so good days. Thank you all for being there to remind me of that on those not so good days..

@clive - at the time it was the worst thing I could think of to describe stage iv breast cancer that was able to be put in print.

JFL

Monkey balls. Yes, that is a good one!