Tell young children....Help

Lucyred

I have a 10 yr daughter that I have to eventually tell her what is going on. We've been able to get away with the "mom has a dr appt" excuse for too long now. She's starting to know something is not right with me but hasn't come out and really asked yet.

Husband and I are meting with the oncologist tomorrow after work (my mom is watching her again) then the radiation oncologist the day after Christmas and the surgeon on 1/5. We are hoping to have more of an idea of what my treatment will be after these next two appts.

How did you tell your young children? How do I reassure them that I will be ok and our family will be fine?

Moderators

Hi Lucy,

This is for sure a very tough situation, and one many of our members have faced. You're sure to get some great practical advice here soon. In the meantime, you may be interested in checking out the main Breastcancer.org site's pages on Talking to Friends and Family About Breast Cancer, specifically, the pages on Talking to Young Children and Talking to Older Children and Teens.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

Lula73

My DH & I waited to tell anyone til we had a treatment plan in place. Was it hard not to say anything? Yes. Was it hard to hide the obvious biopsy spot and bruising? Yes. But it was much more reassuring for them (and easier to tell the news for us) having all the pieces of the diagnosis and treatment puzzle put in place. The reassurance is what your daughter will need the most when you tell her. Having as few "open ended" questions that you can't answer at that moment is important to helping her feel secure, so waiting til after the surgeon appointment is probably the best idea (and it will let her your daughter have a worry free holiday season).And be positive and confident in your responses and when you give the news-they pick up quickly on our worry or when we're fibbing a little. If she asks if she can do a specific thing that she thinks will help, give her permission to do it as it will help her feel more in control in a situation where there is little (ie my 12 year old son asked if he could ask for prayers for me at prayer circle for School the following morning...we hadn't told anyone obviously and it wasn't how we planned on our parent friends to find out but it made our son feel more in control so we said yes and he did it. I did call the parents i was closest to and gave them the heads up that morning.) The question that absolutely will come up in some fashion will be about dying. My advice? Remind them that we will all die one day-it's part of life after all. But that you have no intention of going anytime soon. Ad-lib that based on your needs. Good luck to you!

Lucyred

Thank you moderator that articles are great and pretty much how I want to handle it. It's just so hard.

Lula73 thank you for your advice about waiting. Your are probably right to say we should wait until we have a more clear picture of what will be happening.

NotVeryBrave

My children were 15, 13, and 10 when I found the lump and started the process. I was planning to wait until I knew for sure before I said anything at all, but one of them saw an ice pack from the biopsy and I couldn't come up with a quick lie. I brushed it off as probably nothing because we were heading out the door and I didn't want to get into a big discussion.

I met with the BS the day after I got the biopsy results. She laid out the most likely scenario along with possible options. I called my parents that afternoon. That was hard. And I told the kids after dinner that night. About equal to telling my parents in difficulty. I couldn't help it and cried even though we were hopeful.

I think it depends on your kids and how observant they are - how much they sense stuff. I knew that I couldn't keep a secret for long and that my kids would know something was wrong and worry.

Most of all - be open and honest as much as you can and answer them truthfully. My kids did great over the last year and it's challenges!

Spookiesmom

my grandson was about 8 when I had tx. One day he asked why I didn’t have any hair. I said I was sick, and the medicine I had to take made it fall out. I didn’t see him every day, didn’t want extra germs brought in. But he accepted that. He never saw me at my absolute worst. Your kids will know you don’t feel well, let them help as much as they can, given their age. And if friends offer to help to get them to their activities say yes!! Don’t try to be superwoman.

EastcoastTS

My son was 9 at my diagnosis (10 now), and I only told him that mommy was having surgery and the general area it was in so he knew why he had to be careful with hugs, etc. I finally told him more a few months later -- but cancer is such a scary word -- Idk. I've never gone into great detail about it. Maybe I was a chicken...but we just made it a "no biggie" with him. And he was young enough for me to escape the real drama in this way.

However, there are great books that address this on their level. My nurse navigator recommended a few. But my son is a boy/boy and seemed to accept without a huge emotional response. Honestly, I don't think he can grasp the enormity and perhaps that is good! Might be more emotional with a girl. Not sure. You'll know in your gut how to handle, I bet.

Good luck. {hugs}

Rrobin0200

same here, eastcoast. But, my treatment just consisted of surgery, so I know that it must be a completely different ballgame with chemo and radiation being the treatments, as those come with more side effects.

I was upfront and honest with my two, who were 9 and 11 at the time. I told them my diagnosis, and replayed with them step by step what was ahead.

EastcoastTS

That's a great point. I did not have chemo or radiation --- but I believe I discussed the possibility of mommy losing hair or something before I was sure. Ugh. It's hard for me to recall how I handled it now!!! I"m almost a year since diagnosis.

ps0705

I'm sorry you are going through this and this is such a tough time because you have so many unanswered questions yourself.

I was worried to tell my children too and began a similar thread around Thanksgiving https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/5/topics/...

What worked best for us was to wait until we had a surgery date then tell them about 2 1/2 weeks prior so they could acclimate to the surgery.

At first they seemed ok, then over the next couple of weeks our 12 year old daughter completely checked out. She stopped doing homework, turned from National Jr. Honor Society to failing out with 20% total grade in some classes. She became secluded at school and home and we ended us getting her counseling and anti-depressants. She previously took good care of her school, I never even knew when she had homework or test, yet she was all A's and in accelerated classes. We are still working to get her back on track. It just hit her so hard.

Our 19 year old son appears to be handling it better with moments of tearfulness and some extra irritability over little things, but overall is carrying on and very supportive.

Best wishes for you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

Lucyred

We told our daughter last night. It went as well as can be expected. Lots of tears and concerns that I am not going to be ok. I just kept trying to reassure her that I will be ok and that I will be around every day with her just that some days I won't be feeling well. After awhile she seemed better but we explained that if she has any question she can come to either us or any of the people that know what is going one then we told her what adults know.

I also asked her to help me make sure that I eat healthy and make sure that I drink enough water. I told her that I need to drink 3 of the certain size water bottles we have every day. I think she liked feeling like she's helping with this,

This morning she gave me a big hug and asked me how I was so I think she'll be ok. Just a huge adjustment we need to make.

mountainmama406

My kids are 4 and 2. After my surgical biopsy my 4 yo noticed the stitches and we talked about what those were and how they go away. I started telling her what some of my appointments were (ie, follow up “the doctor just wants to see that my stitches are gone and that I feel better” and “mommy is getting an fancy X-ray”). She’s been more fascinated with those things than thinking something’s wrong..

I’m now going back in 2 weeks for double mastectomy/reconstruction. My mom sent her a book called “what does super Jonny do when mommy gets sick” that she’s liked reading. She’s big on wanting to be a helper. I’ve mentioned that I need more stitches and they’ll be bigger this time. She’s most excited that my parents are going to be here

For all the other questions (why are your nipples gone?) I’m waiting until afterwards so she can see that I’m okay

Cpeachymom

mountainmom- sounds like it’s going well with your little ones. Small children are extremely adaptable! My youngest is almost 2, and I never thought her vocabulary would include “mama’s hot flashing” or that she would hand me my foob and tell me I need to put it on my chest. I find it amusing and a little sad, but it is what it is. She even reminds me to do my stretches

mountainmama406

Cpeachymom — my 2 yo is going to be a hot mess with all this. When it comes to sleeping lately, I am his person. Husband has tried to be the one going in at the middle of the night to soothe him back to sleep and it’s no no no no. Hoping my mom has better luck!