Preparing for chemo as a single mom

JennyRN

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October and my oncotype came back as intermittent risk. The specimen has been sent for mammaprint testing but I get the sense my surgical oncologist is thinking I'll need chemo. I am a single mother of an 8 year old little girl whose family is 1900 miles away. I have a strong friend support system and as a critical care nurse, many nurse friends to help as well. I imagine things will move quickly once they get the results back so I'm trying my best to be as prepared as possible. What help can I anticipate needing? Obviously everyone's response to chemo is very individual but is it reasonable to think I can parent her? Drive her to practices? Help with homework? Cook and do laundry? I'm having a hard time imagining someone in my place cooking and cleaning for me. Has anybody had to accept help but had a hard time doing so since they're typically very independent? Thank you for any support you can provide.

xxyzed

my kids were 9 and 11when diagnosed. I was very unwell during chemo. I could not shop or cook or clean or help the kids with homework or do laundry or drive them to practice. Each cycle I would be out of action for one week and then functioning the second week. I had friends drive the kids to their activities. All other tasks were left undone and caught up on in my good week. They ate a lot of cereal and learnt to do their own laundry

NicolaSue

I haven't needed help with my breast problem as it's not been too serious but a few years back I was on my own with several children and had just had a premature baby (my then partner ran off with a married colleague!) and I needed help as I had to have my thyroid removed for borderline cancer. It was a difficult time. I had to learn to get help as I couldn't have survived without. One friend hit the nail on the head. She said that what I would need week to week would vary so she would check in with me every few days and see what I could do and what I couldn't and then SHE would spend the time emailing everyone I knew seeing if anyone could offer help with the things I couldn't do that week. Probably the most useful of all was lifts for the kids and frozen meals being left on the doorstep by strangers! I managed most things in the house as laundry didn't have to be done to any particular standard and ironing just didn't need doing etc. We did get through but it was tough. When I had to go out to places I couldn't drive so I would just call the local taxi firm and ask if they would take me but NOT charge waiting time. They agreed.

Good luck - keep strong. Life sucks sometimes but us Mums are very resilient.

JennyRN

Thank you for taking the time to respond 💜 That’s excellent advice

JennyRN

Thank you for taking time to respond 💜 Knowing you got through it reassures me that I will too

RosieG

Hi Jenny,

I was talking to someone recently who gave some great advice for accepting help with the kids etc during treatment. She said the first thing you need to do when you're diagnosed is write lots of lists - like what your kid's routine is in the morning, with times and what they need to take to school, when and where football practice is, what foods they like to eat etc. She said she had a folder full of all these organised lists and timetables, and then when friends said 'What can I do to help?', she could just give them the folder and know that they had all the information they needed to do a pretty good job of helping.

I could see how that could help to keep things as normal as possible for kids, and for an independent person like me it would help me feel like I'm still in control of things if that makes sense. Of course if Mom is sick, things won't be 100% normal, but it seemed like really good advice to me - you might be knocked out for a while by the treatment and unable to 'physically parent' as much as you're used to, but by passing on all that information and organising people to help you, you're doing just as much parenting!

Wishing you all the best with treatment - kids are so adaptable and you might even find your daughter is more resilient than you expect while you're unwell. You can get through this together, supporting each other.

NicolaSue

It's also important to know what's really important to you and to never ever let go of that. I do not know why but I am obsessed with my kids having nice clothes to wear and all hanging neat in the cupboards. If I can't pick out their clothes for them each day this makes me feel very out of control. I think it probably goes back to growing up without a mum and literally having nothing to wear. So when I've had any help with the children the one thing I can't bear anyone to do is take over dressing them and laundry etc.

It's a daft example but you see the point. It's about working out what you will be able to do with limited energy . So I was happy with letting people help with food and cooking, but not clothes. I was also not fussed on people helping the kids with homework. You need to feel empowered so you need to be clear what it is you personally need to remain in charge of and try to get help with the rest.

Keep strong and keep posting. People will be here for you.