people saying how are you

rubyredslippers

I've just returned to work after 5 weeks of radiation thanks to a recurrence in a lymph node. I'm sliding into a massive depression, dealing with the anger, saddness, frustration confusion etc we all feel.

Any tips on how to deal with people who flippantly say "how's things", or "whats wrong" when you respond with low enthusiasm, as though nothings happened ?

I realise people are self involved. I also realise most say these things out of habit but how do you respond to this and how do yoy cope with it emotionally?

I feel like it adds to my anger being asked how I am like nothing has happened or like Im expected to be brimming with happiness.

Please help as this is really bothering me. I'd be grateful for some helpful advice

Spookiesmom

I just say hanging in there, or Good! How about you. You don’t need to say more if you don’t want to. If they are persistent just walk away.

Your feelings are normal, don’t let some do gooder tell you otherwise. But you may want to mention your feelings to MO or nurse navigator if you have one.

hopefour

When people ask how you are it just floods you with all the emotions and trauma of BC. They most likely don't realize it. I am one to give little info out as I don't want to see their faces of shock or pity. I would say fine and walk on and have a little word of encouragement tucked away in your mind to say to yourself such as There is Hope, This too shall pass, or I am getting stronger each day. Hopefully soon people will refrain from asking when after awhile the realize you would rather not talk about your health.

rubyredslippers

it's not how are you in terms of health, its the standard how are you when you answer the phone kind. The society says to say this kind. I don't know how to answer tjis anymore. It especially screws with my head when someone says it who is fully aware of what has happened. I feel like screaming at them, well how do you think I am!

LisaAlissa

Hi redrubyslippers,

You're exactly right that the same words are being used for two different things:

1. genuine inquiry about your health and/or emotional state. It's how almost every encounter with a medical professional begins. And those medical professionals want a real response--generally with details. Over the course of our treatment, we become trained by our various caregivers that this is what's being asked by the words "how are you" (or any of the many similar phrases).

But this isn't what is usually meant in the work environment. (Unless you're discussing things like any accommodations you need as you return to work, or your return to full-time status.)

Your anger (and all of the rest of the perfectly understandable negative emotions) is in response to your sense that your co-workers are asking you inappropriate questions or not acknowledging the very real health problems you've been dealing with.

2. social acknowledgement--I'm here and I see you. Do you see me too? Do you need anything from me? For this, no one is really asking about your health/emotional state. So feel free to say "fine, and you?" In this context, unless you have an immediate need (for instance, you've just dropped the files you're carrying or tripped over a threshhold and need help rising from the ground) or are going to miss a deadline that's going to affect them, or need something from they can help with that affects your work, just blurt out the usual social acknowledgement. If they aren't really inquiring about your health, they will just move on with their day, or discuss any work-related concern they have.

If you respond with something other that the expected reciprocal acknowledgement, their "what's wrong" response is not asking about your health. They're asking about your situational state (with respect to your relationship). As in, why isn't it "fine." They're looking for info about their own work life. Are you going to make their project late by not coming through with your part of it? Are you going to miss a meeting? Whatever it is.

If someone responds with something like, "no, really, how are you?" they're disclaiming the social acknowledgement meaning and really asking about your health/emotional state. You get to decide (or course) how much you are willing to tell, to whom you are willing to tell it and where/when you disclose whatever you choose to share.

Me, I try to keep those things out of the office situation. So...something like "let's have lunch, and I'll tell you about it..." or "let's take a walk instead of a coffee break...and I'll tell you what I've been doing."

But mostly, in the work environment, you should assume that they are asking in the social acknowledgment sense. Most of your co-workers will be focused on the work of the day or their own concerns. Unless it impinges on them, they are unlikely to be thinking about the traumatic events you've been dealing with. So don't take it as a slam.

Instead, consider using the work environment as a place where you can step away from BC as much as possible. A place where neither you nor they will focus on your BC and it's treatment. Bring BC into your work life only to the extent that it will affect your work performance or require an accommodation to perform your work.

HTH,

LisaAlissa

chronicpain

LisaAllen gave an excellent reply. I say "doing ok" unless one of the things Lisa mentions applies, and try and change the subject to work projects or other things etc.

Also note that when a colleague gets cancer, coworkers get nervous as they quietly start thinking about their own mortality, so a nervous "how are you?" may reflect a desire to hear you are bouncing back i.e., "not dead yet" , so they then feel more secure themselves, or they just do not know what else to say.

I have also used the "how are you" opportunity to reply to some women, after saying "hanging in there," about how important it is to stay up to date on mammograms, and say I am glad I did a screenig mammo or my cancer would have been missed, as I had no symptoms. Who knows, you could save a life if someone listens.

rubyredslippers

thank you all, some very helpful replies, LisaAlissa, wow, thanks for that detailed reply. The support and assistance I get from this forum is invaluable. It's always a relief to talk to other women who get it.

Herculesmulligan

I have learned to answer the "how are you?" Question differently based on who's asking it. If it's just a casual acquaintance or anyone who has told me how lucky I am to have caught my cancer relatively early, they just get the "fine, and you?" Response. This is polite but signals that you're not discussing this with them. They'll be relieved most likely.

If the asker is someone who matters to me, though, I will be more honest. I won't go through my whole list of complaints with the world, but I might say, "I'm feeling ok. Some days I'm overwhelmed or angry or sorry for myself and some days I feel pretty ok". Or I might address a specific symptom that's bothering me that day.

Honestly I don't think people ask how you're doing to torment us. They are trying to be polite, or in some cases may genuinely want to know more about you.

shelabela

hi Ladies!

I have really grown to hate that question. I hear it 2 different ways.

1. How are YOU? Personal friends

2. How ARE you? Nosy ass people

You can hear this difference. My general response to #1 is honest if I'm feeling bad i tell them, if I'm tired i let them know, if i need help with something i bring it up then. I have never been one to ask for help but i have learned to accept it.

My answer to #2 is usually very short and to the point. A very clipped "perfectly fine! Thanks for asking!" Then turn around.

I have actually encountered a few people in a professional setting staring at me, when i look at back them they ask " how long do you have to live?" Really ??????

Honestly some of the things I've heard since being diagnosed is nuts.

WorryWartSuzie

I understand how you feel. Sometimes when people ask me and are all serious, "So, how ARE you doing?" that gets me because of trying to stay positive about this whole thing.

My Dad had a great, dry sense of humor and was a lawyer for over 50 years. When people used to say, "How are you, Carmen? ' He'd say, "Lousy, but thanks for asking." - He said that the reason he said it was because he didn't think people were truly listening to his response - He was also a cynic. It became his trademark. When he died in 2010, we were devastated, as we adored him. My sister gave the eulogy and said, "If you ask us how we're doing with our loss," all of the lawyers from the Bar Association that were there responded, "Lousy, but thanks for asking!"

I hope that cheers you up a little. Bottom line, you're right. People just say it to say it as a courtesy. Those who really know us, don't have to ask. they know how we're doing and how scared we are all of the time. It will get better. I am sorry you recurred, too. I'd be mad. Feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to chat.

rubyredslippers

I'm so angry I want to explode. I don't know how to deal with this anger

Siciliana

For some reason, it REALLY bothers me when people ask me, "So, how ARE you doing?", usually in a tone that sounds like they figure I'm on death's doorstep. I usually respond "Good." and change the subject or find an excuse to leave. I even hate it when my own mother asks me, "So how are you, REALLY? Have you lost weight?" Maybe I just like to pretend that I don't have this disease and when people ask me about it, I have to think about it again. Sometimes I just would like to go a day without thinking about breast cancer.

rubyredslippers

for me it's the tone that suggests that nothing has happened. And then the surprise and "what's wrong" when I am not brimming with happiness. Like nothing has happened. Like I'm suppised to have finished treatment and that's that. Let's move on and pretend nothings happened. I'm depressed and angry. I've been completely traumatized yet, I'm supposed to be "good". It just seems like such a stupid thoughtless thing to say.

StubbornDog

I read somewhere that if someone is grieving or going through a tough time, one should never ask the big open-ended, “how are you?" but rather, “how are you today?" which is easier to answer honestly if one wishes, and, who knows, the person being asked may be having a good or better day amongst a sea of bad. And even if not, it is easier to answer honestly if one wishes. It is certainly what I'd rather be asked. Now how to train people to ask that? I'm new here by the way. Last day of work is today before surgery Friday. I've been drafting in my head my email to coworkers explaining my leave and figuring out the best way to head off nosy questions from the get-go. (I haven't yet figured out how to make the signature you all use.)

By the way, rubyred, I like your avatar and screen name. It's from my all time favorite movie.

Anonymous

Bottom line-- cancer in any part of our bodies sucks!!! I had no problem replying "how would you feel" (if they had BC). I had some friends before DX, but they quickly dropped contact with me after DX and I've never looked back. They weren't worth the effort and weren't what I'd call genuine. I understand depression all too well. Am coming up on one year since my husband died on Christmas Day from lung cancer. I'm still trying to find my balance but thankfully, my daughter and little grandson moved in with me and have been a great comfort.

Sometimes even my best friends make me sad when they want to keep telling me they're worried about me. But usually they're referring to my depression and not the possibility of a recurrence. Remember to stay clear of the ones that tell you about someone near to them that has passed away from cancer or, a great response would be "I'm sorry you've lost them -- how does this make me feel better"?

Merry Xmas all !

Shelly