How did you find your tribe?

berkeleygirl

Hello, I've been a lurker for years since being first diagnosed with Stage IIIA (HR+/PR+/HER2-) in 2014 and now I am newly diagnosed with bone mets as of July, 2017. Besides the usual shock, sadness, fear, etc. that accompanies this new twist in my life, I have been reading the wonderful ways in which women have continued to live their lives, on their terms and with a great deal of success. It inspires me and I cannot thank these fabulous women enough for their engaging and uplifting posts. It really gives me hope that I can live a good life for whatever years years God and good medical science will give me. Being a metster is NOT all doom and gloom .

However, I mostly see how people make the best of their lives with the support of a wonderful partner, family, friends, coworkers, etc. I hate to sound like a troll but are there any out there that do not have a strong support system and still find/meet people that help to make their lives meaningful and happy? I have family that live far away and come to the rescue when I have heavy chemo or a surgery but they are very busy with their families and carry on with their lives after they leave. I frequently feel like the odd person out. Also, I have several relatives (and a few friends) that are terrified of death and now keep a very safe distance from me; makes me feel like the grim reaper but I understand and love them all the same.

I'm not partnered and suppose with the diagnosis that it will not likely be an option. But I'm a nice person, make friends easily, go to meet up groups, plays, hiking and anything else that brings fun and happiness to my life. But I lack close relationship(s) with people, especially since this diagnosis, and sometimes it would be so nice to have coffee with a friend that wasn't scared or depressed by what I am going through.

Any one out there that found their support/tribe after getting a Stage IV diagnosis? Thanks!

blainejennifer

BGirl,

I did find some new friends after my stage 4 dx, but it was at the dog park. I'd just gotten a 6 month old poodle, gotten diagnosed, thrown on to weekly Taxol, and the dog park was the best option to get my young dog the exercise she needed.

So, bald me would show up there every day, meet people, and let my dog run her zooms off. My BF from the park has pretty severe MS, so we are pathetic together.

That doesn't fit your situation, as you don't have a dog. Not that I'm pushing it, but having a pet is a blessing on the super crappy days.

Do you have to stay where you are because of a job? I have to be honest with you, if I could, I would race back to be near family. It's just DH, DS, and I here in upstate NY. I miss terribly being near family. I understand how you've been dropped by those who are afraid of cancer/death/fear. It's happened to all of us here.

I'm babbling, and it's not helping you. Here's to hoping other wiser women answer your questions. You sound fabulous - if you were near, I'd coffee it up with you in a heartbeat.

artistatheart

berkeley, sometimes the most unlikely people pop out of the woodwork. I ended up bonding with a girl from my workplace because she gets debilitating migraines and has been through all the medical mazes and meds, so we get each other.

The other was just a random acquaintance with a huge friendly heart who has taken me under her wing. I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who is nothing but compassionate and supportive. But I don't like dumping everything on him. I still need friends outside of my home.

So I guess my message is to take heart, keep doing what you are doing and someone will come along when you least expect it. hopefully sooner than later.

berkeleygirl

Yes - I wish we lived closer too. It would be nice to grab a cuppa with someone that just gets it. I have fur baby cats and I had them before my diagnosis but they have actually been a great support team! Nothing better than a purring kitty on your lap to take away a bad moment. I'm embarrassed that I did not mention them before. Moving closer to family isn't possible right now but I may get more motivated as time moves forward.

I'm so glad you found a fellow passenger in life at the dog park. Who knows? Maybe a dog could be in my future.....

berkeleygirl

Artist, Thanks for your kind words. Your're right - you never know when someone will come along and it will be up to me to be open to meeting them.

Bestbird

I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, but am glad you find a sense of community here, as so many of us do!

No words of wisdom, other than to say that I know several people with mbc who fell in love and got married after their diagnosis and are very happy! I hope you will find friends and someone very special!

Snowfall

My circumstances are not identical to yours, but I find I have made a couple of good new friends since the metastatic cancer diagnosis. With the necessary absence from work, I decided to be public with colleagues about my diagnosis. Several people have stepped forward, saying they always thought someday we would find time for coffee and Sunday night dinners, and the diagnosis makes them realize that now is better than someday. Getting to know them better has really lightened the emotional experience of dealing with this diagnosis. It certainly wasn't an intentional strategy, but I am happy with how it has worked out.

JFL

I have been in your position in the past - diagnosed with cancer, single, across the country from my family, in a new city, new job, with no close friends yet. It is hard and can take time, and can go up and down, when people move in and out of your circle (if they say, move cross country). In circumstances like that, one needs to cobble together his/her own "family" - based on who is around you at the time and is interested in being a part of your life, no matter how big or small. Not everyone needs to be a close friend or family member. Your "family" can be made up of acquaintances, neighbors, coworkers, people from your meet up groups, people who step in and step up even though you aren't very close, friends of friends, people you meet at your hospital, on these boards or at MBC conferences. If you have a psychologist or sociologist at your cancer center mention that you are interested in meeting up with people in similar circumstances to yours. Don't think you need a traditional support system. Having someone to do fun things with in your meet up group is just as valuable as having someone to take you to chemo. You don't need to share any or all of your details with everyone in your "family". The key is that they enrich your life in some way, whether or not related to cancer. It can feel sad not to have a traditional support system but they do come with their own set of troubles and issues which sometimes is more anxiety that the support they provide is worth. I have been on both sides of the equation and they each have different drawbacks and benefits. I also know others who have married, met boyfriends/girlfriends or dated after Stage 4 dx.

Zillsnot4me

I found supportive "sisters" at Livestrong and support groups that I see once a month or so. Have a couple of friends from work that know I live in cancerland. We get together and do normal stuff. Plus the online relationships I've made here.

I don't feel like I have a close gf nearby. DH will soon be an ex. While I am terrified of being alone thru the scary parts, not sure a man is the answer. Looking for a dog:)

intothewoods

berkeleygirl,

I agree with blainejennifer that you sound like a person I would hang with. Also about the power of creating relationships around dog ownership. I know so so many neighbors. But also not pushing the dog thing be they are A LOT of work.

Zillsnot4me you should definitely get a dog. Not that I'm trying to overwork you- they are also the absolute best emotional nurse maids.

I don't know if you live in Berkeley or attended university but there is a Cancer Support Community in Walnut Creek which may not be close enough. I attend groups at the LA location and they are wonderful.Lots of good thoughts from allHere's a link to the Walnut Creek location: http://cancersupport.net/

Lisa

Anonymous

Snowfall, that is really nice how your colleagues stepped up to be closer to knowing you.

Snowfall

I am lucky. I read about some of the difficulties that people have with their employers and colleagues, and it makes me want to scream. Having to worry about breast cancer and about work at the same time is too much. My employer and colleagues have taken very good care of me, and I am very thankful.