My wife has stage 4, very depressed and angry but no pain now

husbandtotriplenegative

My wife was dx in 8/2016 and had chemo, lumpectomy and removal of positive lymph nodes by 4/2017. In 8/2017 TN had spread to her brain with single large tumor and to her lungs with half dozen small. She had radiation on brain and went on Keytruda trial. Radiation shrank brain tumor to manageable after leaving her in immense pain and hospitalization. They just removed her from trial yesterday since new small brain tumor has emerged along with larger tumors on lungs and new small ones on liver. None of this affecting her as far a physical discomfort or pain at this point. She is pain free now, but steroids and medication have left her impatient and angry at times aiming her displeasure at our daughters (8 and 10) and me at times. Our relationship has been severely strained as a result and usually, after one of her episodes of anger, she does apologize but then it recurs. Kids are coming to me for comfort and I have to console them often. I am fortunate that I have enough financial stability that I can stop working and have cut back to take care of my wife and kids when wife is not doing well. Additionally, my wife has vision issues at night due to brain tumor, so no driving at night for her.

They want surgery to remove small brain tumor and biopsy for best treatment option going forward. I expect this will happen next week. We do not know what to expect for recovery time on surgery yet.

I guess I am trying to understand what I can do to better communicate with my wife and make her feel better about herself. She is very down on herself and even offered to get a divorce so I can move on with my life, which is NOT something I asked for or agree with. Granted, this is wearing on me and makes my life quite lonely, but I will manage. Prognosis, as many of you know, is uncertain but she is convinced she will not be around at some point in the next year or so. Any kind of insight from someone who has been to this stage or further would be very helpful... and God bless you all!

AgathaNYC

Hello, husbandtotriplenegative - I am so sorry to hear about the recurrence of your wife's cancer. I can't even imagine fully what it is doing to her psyche, as well as that of you and your young daughters.

I would suggest that you post in the Stage IV forums. You'll find more people who are going through similar challenges: Stage IV Forum

Sending all the best wishes to your family.

stephaniebc

is she on any kind of antidepressant? if not, i think it might be the first order of business.

cive

HTTN, Roid Rage is a known side effect of steroids, also, incidentally, house cleaning.  Perhaps you and/or she can discuss this with her doctor. There are things that can alleviate it. 

She may also need a little time to adjust to her new normal.  If you check out the threads under Stage IV/Metastatic, you'll find lots of people in the same boat.

Lula73

HTTN- I second the anti-depressants if nothing else to counteract the roid (and housecleaning) rage. Perhaps some Xanax too to help with any breakthrough rage. That rage is a crazy thing- oftentimes you don’t know you’re doing it. During the times when you do realize it, it’s not something you can stop even though you want to. Absolutely crazy. For your wife it’s likely heartbreaking since she does realize it. Definitely talk with your girls about it and let them know it’s the medicine making mommy talk like that, mommy really doesn’t feel that way and isn’t mad/angry at them. I am so sorry your Family is having to go through this.

On another note-I hope you realize how much your wife loves you. Offering up divorce so you can move on with your life and not drag you down is an amazing sacrifice to even verbalize. She’s putting you before herself even though she needs you now more than ever. Cherish that and let her know you’re in it with her for better for worse, richer or poorer, through sleet, snow, driving rain and anything else life throws at you two. Always let her know you love her. Show her you love her too. It’s those little things that often get pushed to the side in times of crisis that sometimes matter the most. If you haven’t already read it, there’s a short but powerful book called the 5 love languages that can really help with showing/demonstrating your love for her the way she is emotionally wired to receive it and recognize it as a demonstration of love for her. You’d think that would be intuitive and the same for all but it isn’t. I wish you, your wife and family all the best.

illimae

I'm sure she's freaked out and likely feels like a burden. I told my husband he could get remarried too but I've since realized the end is not so near. I would try to have a conversation about what you and family can do to help make the emotional side effects easier, like trying to be quiet or cooking things she loves, avoiding or minimizing whatever is setting her off. Even without steroids, I can admit that estrogen suppression has made me a more aggressive driver, caused me to be impatient with my husband and bitchy at work. You sound like a very good man to be cool about and seek understanding, best of luck

husbandtotriplenegative

I thank you all for your thoughtful responses. She has been better since they cut her steroid dose in half and she is talking to her therapist. She will have surgery in two weeks and then start another treatment shortly afterwards once they biopsy the removed tumor to get a sense of best option. I cannot imagine what she is going through in her mind and so many of you may be also who are faced with terminal prognosis. All they will say is she has months, not years, so she is doing a great job of planning her passing and what thoughts she wants to leave behind for the kids. But, it is just devastating at the same time. I can only hope she remains thinking, as much as possible, of the good things she has had and will have in her time left here. Best to you all again.

Sara536

I am so very sorry for the pain your family is experiencing. Does your cancer center have group therapy sessions for children with a parent who has cancer? Or maybe a psychiatrist who practices "sand tray therapy"? A lot of mental anguish can be worked through without having to verbalize anything. Usually the therapist does not "interpret" but provides the sand tray, objects, and a safe place. Depending on where you live, this may be available for children, adults, or for the whole family together. In fact, it can be experienced as a time for your family to play and discover each other in a deep and positive way - rather than as a docter provided "treatment."

It is so important that your children understand that what is happening is not their fault in any way.

I wish you and your wife and your children the best outcome possible. Sara

StrategicOncologist

Hello! Irradiation + Keytruda = very effective method! I hope the analysis of a remote small tumor will establish a "pseudo-progression", which is often the case with immunotherapy. As the latest scientific data show, hormone therapy can help, not just chemotherapy. Hold on!

Micmel

I believe that. The doctors cannot know how long someone has. The stats are old and more and more treatments are coming forth. Take one day at a time. Hold her hand a lot. Tell her she's beautiful, kiss her neck. Sweet thingsmy DH does mean eveything. I am fighting to Love him and my sweet family, And so she will also. Love is the strongest thing to penetrate! Love always is the focus and so is family. Never give up. Ever. I am also stage four. But I have been in remission for a year and I feel great. I am tired yes. But i do what I can do and accept my new given body. Give her the rest she'll always need. But you are being patient. That is a wonderful gift and sacrifice of you all. Trust me she knows. She is scared. She's trying to be brave. While traveling down an unfamiliar road not knowing which direction to go. She doesn't want you or the kids to suffer. She's a brave beautiful person. My best to all! ~M~