Scared to be happy

Manc

hi I'm new here based in UK and inspired by all on here. I was diagnosed last November with Grade 3 Idc in 2 nodes. I've found it so difficult my family are my life and I'm terrified of recurrence and finding it so hard to move on. I was Er 6 and had mastectomy lymph clearance chemo and ovary removal. I also have a six monthly bisphosphonate infusion . and take Anastrozole. I have been very badly effected by this in fact devastated and was so badly depressed. I have a low dose antidepressant which helps and am looking into counselling. How do you all cope afterwards and does time improve things. I even wondered if I could have Ptsd as the shock was horrendous no family history etc . I want and have to try to be happy for myself and family but I was so happy before and now I'm scared of being hurt again. Thanks ahead.

Peregrinelady

Hi Manc, being afraid to be happy again is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. I remember thinking that I was in such a good place in my life when I was diagnosed. Happy with career, family, and even exercising regularly and losing weight. I became so depressed that I wondered if I could ever laugh again. But now that I am over 2 years out, I relish my happiness and am amazed how heartily I laugh and enjoy life. Someone here said, if you have a recurrence, you can look back and say, wow, I really lived life or wow, I wish I hadn't wasted time worrying. It is difficult, but I am trying to be the first person. You will get there, too. Just take little steps every day and be kind to yourself. Best wishes.

Mandycat

I have fear of recurrence too. I just finished treatment in September. It causes me trouble sleeping some times. I am making new rules for myself to guide me through. I try not to think about breast cancer but some times I have to because I want to do research on what signs to look for or what to expect in the future. So anything like research or checking in here I do earlier in the day. Not before bed.

I want to make plans to do the things I've always wanted to do and not put things off. I'm trying to be supportive of my stepmother who is still going through treatment and has had more treatment than I required. I have a round of doctor appointments at the end of this month and will get a surveillance plan then. I can't take the anti-estrogen medication which is frightening but it was more frightening not being able to think. My primary care doctor doesn't even want me to try it again.

I plan to get married next summer and take a honeymoon in Europe. I want to fix up and clean up my house. I want to do more genealogy work for the next generations. I want to write stories and garden. Breast cancer runs heavy in my family and I have LCIS. I might opt to have mastectomy in a couple of years but even the women who got mastectomy in my family still died from breast cancer. I will just try to do as much as I can and enjoy life as long as I ca