Waiting & wondering where the strength will come from this time

PhoebeLee

My stats are below, and my motto has been (so far) that I'm damn lucky. What is not listed below is what has happened since this first mastectomy two years ago: an appendectomy with necessary colon resection in summer of 2016 (endometriosis stuck my appendix to my intestine but it was another cancer scare until I found this out), and another primary cancer, uterine cancer with total hysterectomy (stage 1A again) in May 2017, just 5 months ago. Fast forward to today and I've been called back from my 2 yr anniversary mammogram for a diagnostic, re. "more views" mammogram on my remaining breast, and THIS is where I seem to be losing "it". By it I mean, my reserve, hope, any optimism, and ability to cope with the latest, I don't know if I can take it any more. I want a mastectomy on the remaining breast TODAY. Then I feel bad because there are women in much more difficult circumstances than myself. I see a shrink but the positive reinforcement that worked on cancers one and two are now calling my bluff. I have PTSD and am crying all the time. My luck has to run out and I'm so scared. I'm taking Arimidex now that I'm menopausal, was taking Tamoxifen. If this is cancer isn't it more likely that it's not my ER+ kind? And how likely is it that this is another primary? Should demand genetic testing this time?(My onc thought it didn't warrant this after the uterine cancer since the only cancer in my family was my brother's recent brain cancer). I have since learned that I had an aunt on my Dad's side who had breast cancer. My first diagnosis was at age 56.

GreenEyes81

We all have our own book, a best seller! If they where all written the same, they would be boring and not be that best seller. Your story is NO LESS and NO MORE than the next person. Your heart, tears and courage are your story and one to be proud of!

Emotionally, I am there too. Were do we find peace? Somedays I think I have it figured out and then more often I feel like I am in a fog. I am 100% positive my cancer was genetic yet the testing came back negitive. Thus I think the mental war feels greater then the war against cancer.

My MO also feels its genetic, they just don't know what "gene mutation" caused it yet. He said in 5 or 10 years you might find out. lol Thanks. If getting tested might bring you comfort or help you make the best choices for you, then push for it!

When do you go back in?

PhoebeLee

Thank you for your kind response GreenEyes. Yesterday I saw my MO and she is onboard with genetic testing once we figure out what's up with the "micro calcifications" in this remaining breast. There may be all kinds of genetic mutations as of yet undiscovered- I know my case doesn't seem typical. With this frequency of occurences I would at least like some more intensive monitoring, that is my hope- my luck may not hold much longer it feels like.

Then, today was the diagnostic mammogram with extra views and a talk with the doctor who looks at the images. I finally mustered the strength to look at the images (it's been a bad week) and there was my boob, three times the size in real life, and there were about 4-5 teeny tiny white specks together in an area no bigger than half my pinky nail. Those calcifications could be nothing, or they might be DCIS and now I have to get a stereotactic biopsy in 1-2 weeks of course . Even though DCIS is still cancer (stage 0) I'll take it over the scenarios I had playing in my mind. I still want a mastectomy on the remaining breast, whether it is called for or prophylactic. And I want genetic testing. It just doesn't make sense in my case, with only one case of breast cancer in my family tree (one aunt) going back generations.

Green Eyes, have you had cancer more than one time?

GreenEyes81

Hi Phoebe, I am glad to hear they are moving right along and you are not stuck waiting still. I have not had a recurrence so far. However, I just went through having a tumor found on my foot which led to an MRI, biopsy and now surgery. Thankfully it is b9.

I am looking at having my remaining breast removed in January just for peace of mind and to hopfully have a even starting surface on both side for recon.

PhoebeLee

Green Eyes, Glad to hear your foot tumor was benign. When issues pile up it can be so difficult, huh? I'm going through a stage where I only want to surround myself with people who have had medical hardships. I almost feel like I speak a different language now, understood only by other survivors. I imagine now that some don't believe me, or they feel sorry for me, or don't want to be caught in that "what should I say" situation. I imagine a lot of things, and as my shrink says maybe they are instead thinking "what a strong woman." My book IS a best seller, but I'm doing everything I can to keep it out of the Tragedy/Horror section

Yes, I'm moving along at what seems like a snail's pace. The earliest they could get for my biopsy appt. is Halloween; then results three days later. I'm trying to simply be grateful that this technology exists. Now that I've become an expert in handling all that has come my way I can feel myself transition from first denial, to abject fear, to sadness & depression and now to planning the next fight. The juicer just came out again The thing is, I haven't even had the biopsy but I cannot do nothing right now.

Thanks for your support.

GreenEyes81

My book IS a best seller, but I'm doing everything I can to keep it out of the Tragedy/Horror section--- LOVE IT!

I bought kefir for the first time a week later...ya nasty stuff! lol