Work/Life. Mostly OK, But Sometimes "Ugh."

Jojobird

I have a wonderful boss. The best coworkers ever - seriously. They've helped me heal.

But some days I'm just not into it. Some days I wake up and the alarm is a barking dog, I want to turn it off, can not *deal* with the whole routine. I just want to curl up and stay in the house alone. Want my coffee, my cat, a book -- want to turn off the world.

I'm not sure if it's cancer or a shift in priorities, or both/and. The sense of urgency I had about getting tasks done, about career ambition - they aren't there anymore. I'm conscientious and do my job well, but I'm not as.....invested, I think. The question that often lurks in my mind: If I had one year left (high risk of recurrence, high risk of recurrence) would I want to be doing this? Would this matter? And I need to fess up that my retirement, while basic, isn't what it should be because I'm saving up for some travel, and I'm spending more on healthy, organic foods.

Will I even get to retirement? Should I buy clothes?

So much is knocked off the wheel, isn't it? How far ahead do we plan? Should I bother with a remodel? Do I apply for a promotion, when everyone knows about the cancer? Do I even want it?

Before cancer, I had a sure road ahead. The innocence of being able to anticipate tomorrow, next year, another 5 - 10 years down was a wide open field, a panorama paid for with hard work and hope. That's changed now.

In this new forest, it's tree by tree. Stone by stone. Not seeing the lay of it, not knowing home.

mustlovepoodles

Jojo, I feel the same way. I got so bogged down with my cancer, my DHs cancer , and my mother's cancer (and death in June) that I threw in the towel: in July I retired and we're selling the house. Future plans? Our only plan for now is to move our camper to Florida for the winter, then to the north Georgia mountains in the spring. Will i work again? Not as a nurse--40yrs is long enough.

DH and I just returned from Seattle where we visited my beloved sister for two weeks. How nice it was to be surrounded by mountains and water! So refreshing.

I am determined to put my energies only toward things that i love: Volunteering with underprivileged families, sewing, watching movies, walking my dog, travelling as much as we are able. I will take care of my health . I refuse to do things out of old habits or obligation, or things I "should" do for the sake of appearances. If what I do isn't bringing me peace, joy, or satisfaction, it's simply going to be off the table.

We'll see how it goes. So far, so good.

Falconer

Jojbird, whenever you post, I'm always inclined to respond, as we seem to be coming from a similar mindset, right? Today, I'm outside planting peonies that I ordered from John Scheppers beautiful gardens. Peonies are a long term investment, often lasting beyond the homeowner's time in the home. We bought the house we are in five years ago, with another twenty in our imagination, until after we retire and downsize, etc. So as I'm working out there, I'm wondering the same; who will see the fruits of my labor? Will I? Or will this be a legacy for my children?

TwoHobbies

We can all relate. There is such a balance between "what if life is short" and "what if it isn't". I believe we all need to live and enjoy our life now. Take that trip to the mountains, plant those peonies because you will see them next summer. I have definitely moved more and more that way. But I can't get over completely the obligation of planning financially for my future, my son's. My job is not part of my happiness and I know that, but I cope by throwing myself into hobbies and friends and plan travel. Still, as I see the days whittle away, I'm not sure its sufficient and I wish I could chuck it all and believe that the future will work out somehow.

Have you heard of the Kon Mari method? It has to do with stuff in your house - in short, if it doesn't bring you joy you don't keep it. I'm trying to apply that to all things in my life. So does buying clothes bring you joy? Then do it, but only those that bring you joy. Does getting a promotion bring you joy? Then do it.

Mustlove, I could have written your last paragraph myself.

fishingal68

I found my soul sisters! Thank you for putting into words what I have been carrying in my head. Although I hate this path for any of us, I am so glad I do not have to walk it alone, and that we have each other to lean on for strength and understanding. Love to you all!

illimae

I hear ya! I was planning to work another 15 years until I was diagnosed stage IV from the get go last year. Initially, I thought I had a year or two left and didn't buy anything but I've learned to ignore stats and live by how I feel, which is great. I work for the State and will able to medically retire after 2/1/18. I do the majority of the work, am admittedly a little bit of a control freak and perfectionist but the effort just isn't as important lately. DH and I bought some mountaintop property, built a cabin and will retire there next summer. I've been making sure people follow procedure for so long it's difficult to just hope they stand up or watch them them fail but I can't get sucked into my old ways of trying to do it all. Now, I go to work late if I want, buy what I want (within reason) and am counting down the days to enjoying an awesome view and working in my greenhouse, no crowds, no traffic, no regrets

Jojobird

mustlovepoodles, I am so sorry about the cancers that have circled you. I love that you are packing up the camper and headed to Florida and Georgia, and wish you luck in health and all endeavors.

Falconer, I feel you. I do think we are on the same trajectory, the same unknowns. And just today the hub and I were talking daffodils or hollyhocks or both...not the long-term investment that peonies are, but seeds for the future nonetheless.

Twohobbies, yes on the financial planning, big time. Despite the unknowns, I am saving for my kiddos college fund, and am continuing to save what I can. You never know, and if I live to be 90 I'd like some kind of cushion to fall back on. And thank you for the Kon Mari suggestions....decluttering is definitely on the list.

fishingal, welcome to this club! I wish you didn't have to join but am very glad you are here. What do you fish?

illimae, love that you are setting boundaries, and so admire the purchase of the mountainhouse.

Thank you all for your responses. So good to know that as we face Monday, and work again, and big fatigue (for me at least), we're not alone. To the mountains!

Love out.

J

Castigame

I have been extremely fortunate to have a female bosses boss who went thru BC. I even got prophylactic total hysterectomy out of the way. I have not worked  practically since Jan and officially since mid Feb.  Now financial strain of long term disability and dire need for health ins for the next maintenance period, I   have to go back to my old job.  I am dreading it.  I am really  afraid I  would bite my immediate boss's head off and get fired.  

I really wish me and my DH hit a small jackpot for Christmas that way we can buy a  hut somewhere to live off the grid.   I really think I can mend chickens and grow veggies w chicken poop. A true organic life !!!

wallan

i just started back to work. I was dx for a second BC in the other breast in January this years after 13 years NED. I had a mastectomy last time. Should have had both removed then. Oh well...

Since returning to work at beginning of October, I am exhausted I must admit. My coworkers and boss are very supportive. I have been easing in I guess. I too have that sense of is it worth it to have a career and strive for promotions, or other future achievements? Is it what I want?

When I had BC the first time, I had AC/T chemo, rads, tamoxifen, aromasin, hysterectomy/oophorectomy, mastectomy, lymph nodes removed. I was traumatized. I was off work for a whole year. When I returned that time, I was relieved because I believed it was behind me and I could get on with my life. I was 41 when I was dx the first time. I believed I had a normal life span in front of me still. The "gift of cancer" never hit me then. I was bitter, and depressed and scared, but still, I thought I had beat it after all those treatments.

When I was Dx the second time this year, it was very difficult for me emotionally. Now I thought to myself I will have this BC forever. It will be chronic. Its never going to be gone. I will die prematurely. I had another mastectomy and am now undergoing reconstruction for both sides. No chemo. No rads. Just Arimidex.

So when I returned to work this time, it was more of a chore than last time. I am more tired. I am less "invested". Plus, the side effects of Arimidex are kicking my butt.

On the other hand, I do have the "gift of cancer" this time. I appreciate each day and have more joy in my life now. I realize that cancer just rubs our nose in the fact the we all die. It is true that people are under the illusion they have years and years left to live when they are healthy and never had cancer etc. But they don't know when they could die. None of us do. Like I said, cancer just rubs your nose in it that you could die anytime. It wakes you up. It did me this time anyways. So even though I feel sad that I am not as "invested" in building a future career for myself, I am also grateful that I do know I could die anytime and weirdly enough, I enjoy my life more. I am less stressed and I let things go that I didn't a year ago. I get along better with people... more tolerant. Its not worth it to let it get to me. And I do more things that I want to do. I'm actually happier. Living for the day only is the best way to live and I kinda wish I had been doing this my whole life.

wallan

edwards750

BC truly is the gift that keeps on giving. I’m sorry you are dealing with the beast again but I admire your attitude. People do think if they don’t have cancer they are home free. Of course we would rather not have it but is what it is.

I’m not surprised you are more fatigued the second time around. It takes a lot out of you physically and emotionally. Sounds like you work in a compassionate and caring environment. That’s really good. You need support - again.

Stories like yours are disheartening for multiple reasons. Your stats show you had Stage 3 when you were DX so long ago. I know just because I was DX with Stage 1b, Grade 1 it doesn’t come with guarantees it won’t recur. I am 6 years out last August.Doctors simply do not know why we are the chosen ones nor why it recurs in some not in others. It does seem we are forever branded with the C word.

The good news is they have made progress in the detection and treatment options. I know that doesn’t make you feel better but it is encouraging.

You are a warrior and a survivor. Keep the faith.

Diane