Where were you when I needed you?

GardenGirl11

I originally posted this in my original just diagnosed post but I moved it over here because I didn't realize there was a forum for family matters.

I ended up going to my first visit with my onocologist alone because my mom failed in her time management skills and couldn't make it on time. I guess I should've known from past experience that I could not rely on her to show up when she said she would be there for me. I was super disappointed and my husband was very angry because at my insistence he went on an important business trip that he would've cancelled.

Next came the drama of her showing up at my house later that evening and me having to tell her by text to go away because my son was there and he didn't know yet that I had cancer. I didn't want him to find out that way because I knew a lot of drama would ensue once I opened the door. I was astonished at her lack of thoughtlessness toward my feelings and my son's feelings over her own. She ended up leaving but not until I had asked several times and she realized I wasn't going to open the door. I was so glad he was playing a game and had on headphones because he didn't hear her knocking at the door. Thankfully, I was able to tell him the next day in a calm, straight-forward manner that focused on his feelings and ensured he was well informed of my dx and of the things that would happen in the near future. My mom managed an apology to me late the next day in a TEXT message which I still have not replied to yet.

My life had practically zero drama before my dx, and I surely don't want or need it now. I've been checking my heart rate and bp regularly for the past year and both have gone up since the day I had the diagnosis and panic attack. I'm trying to find a way to get back to my former zen self, but I'm not sure if I will get back there.

edwards750

Garden Girl - you will get back there. It will just take time. You are in the fog/shock phase but it's only temporary. We all know exactly how you feel.

As for your mother's response I can only say shame on her. Family and friends support is important at a time like this. I'm glad you were able to have a one on one with your son. I did the same with mine. I kept my game face on for him and my fears in check. He's not a baby so there was no way he wasn't going to be afraid but he certainly took his lead from me and my reaction. I've always been the strong one in our family so I shared my fears with friends in particular ones who had BC.

Keep the faith and keep us posted. Btw I had IDC, Stage 1, Grade 1 too. I am 6 years out last August. So far, so good.

Diane

EastcoastTS

Gardengirl:

I've seen a couple of your posts. FIRST, I'm so sorry you have joined this crappy club but what a great group you've found. I literally could not have survived the past 9 months without these people -- the advice/understanding/compassion/information-sharing, ETC.

I also have a young(ish) child (10) and realize how much harder this makes things. He's my major point of vulnerability. Hang in there.

Okay, with family. Aside from my mom (who is a BC survivor, so that helps with the understanding), my family has been pretty useless. Not including my hubby and son, who've been great. Actually, my two SILs (both divorced from my only sibling) have been great. My brother and his grown kids (who I was very close to) -- mostly are just not a part of my journey. It's really hurt my relationship with my brother, but you know, maybe that was coming anyway? I don't need anything, I'm capable, but it would be nice if people were just -- as you said -- thoughtful of what we're going through. He's all drama, messy life, spilling his business all over FB, etc. Just not my style. It's been a weight off my shoulders to kinda "dump" him right now. I hope this does not sound harsh -- but I think cancer proves how strong we are and how WEAK some around us are, too. Sad but true.

Awful that this is your mom, though. I agree with Edwards!!! Shame on her. It's her lose.

BTW, this gets better. I swear. It becomes a new normal with a plan in place but the panic subsides a bit. You'll hear this over and over but it's true (or certainly was for me).

HUGS!!!

GardenGirl11

Thank you for the encouragement and it's wonderful to hear that you are 6 years out, Diane!

Eastcoast, I've been surprised by who has been there for me and it's not who I thought would be there. My family seems pretty useless also. I really thought that I would receive more visits or phone calls but I communicate with them (mom, dad, and sister) as often as I did before, which wasn't much and I had to initiate it. I've a good friend who has been really great and calls me daily to check up on me. I ended up posting my diagnosis on Facebook and I was surprised at the amount of people who did contact me via text or phone and not just give me prayers. I really think I needed more support and I just wasn't getting that from my family. My husband has physically been there for me but emotionally he's just not that reliable. He has had a lot going on with work and his father being sick, and now me also. I was going to get therapy but since the Facebook post I don't feel like I need it anymore, weird.