Need to get the crazy out!

mommakat

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for this awesome community of strong women who have been through and continue to go through so much.

You could read my story in my early posts but to sum up: since June have been through mammos U/S and biopsies, that should 5cm area so far made up of lots of benign stuff. Results were discordant and I'm awaiting my surgical biopsy this week.

So looking forward to getting it done and moving ahead. It's mind boggling to me that some of you who joined here the same time as me have been screened, diagnosed and are already having treatments and surgery. I feel like im in purgatory!

Anyway. I just need to vent because I don't want to do it to the people in my offline world.

As rational as I have been and try to be, the crazy irrational side is trying to take hold!

2 weeks ago I was diagnosed with bronchitis which kicked my butt for a few days. I think I've only had this maybe 1x before in my life and I don't remember it feeling like this. The cough isn't productive or even overly bothersome, but I have this whistling sound or feeling every time I inhale or exhale. So without wanting to succumb, there's a nagging voice in my head telling me that it's cancer in my breast that has now spread.

I know that's probably statistically impossible that a CNB could not come back positive and now have spread but it's so hard to shut that voice off!!!!

I think it's just been so long and the waiting is wearing me down. I'm trying all distractions and honestly they've gotten me this far! Over 3 months! So I guess that's something. Just can't get it back today. I'm pretty in tune with my body and usually good at knowing when something is wrong. 2 years ago I developed a blood clot in my lung and totally knew it. The ER Dr couldn't be believe I wasn't so sure of it. But I knew. So that's not helping me shut this "negative Nancy" up!

Anyhow. That's for letting me get this off my chest. Everyone in my offline / real life support system is so sparkling positive and optimistic, so I don't want to share my darker side with them right now. We lost my mother in law 3 months ago to ovarian cancer and my sister in law at 41 (same age as me!) to BC a few years ago. I'm sure they all have a jittery worry too based on what we've been through with them, but no one wants to say it out loud.

So thats why you're all such an awesome support. And love the quote on the topic page about borrowing from tomorrow, and have been chanting it to myself as my daily mantra. As you all know, sometimes it's just not as easy.

Edited to add that I do take a daily anti anxiety med and Xanax as needed. Anxiety is my thing. Before all of this. Lol. Make me ill equipped sometimes.

Thanks for listening. And positivethoughts to all of you! Xoxo

MTwoman

Mommakat, So very sorry that you've been in limbo so long! I am glad that you'll get definitive answers soon after your excisional. If it is helpful at all, please do take a look at my thread on anxiety here:

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/83/topics...

We all know how hard it can be, and that our minds do sometimes play little tricks on us while we wait. Try your best to focus on what you know (i.e. I was diagnosed with bronchitis, that is why my lungs are making these strange sounds/feelings) not what you fear. You can do this, just keep moving forward!! Good luck for b9 results!

mommakat

thank you thank you MT! Already today is better. Maybe weekdays are better? Who knows! Wish I could go to sleep after the surgery and wake up with the results! One day at a time.

Thanks for your support

MTwoman

Fast forwarding would certainly be helpful, wouldn't it?! Glad today is better. Keep going!! We're here if you need us.

Kaso

Momakat my barking cough started a month pre diagnosis. It caused alarm to each doctor I saw, but no action was taken until the RO when looking at the simulation scan of the breast for radiotherapy saw a 7.5mm inflammation on the lung's outer lining. That led to a lung CT and some testing of the lungs. Testing ruled out copd but could not rule out asthma. Unfortunately the methocholine was not readied for my appointment so that was postponed til next week. I have spent 5 weeks in radiation preoccupied on this terribly nagging, draining and sleep depriving cough. I switched MO this week & immediately the new MO in the same cancer center looked at the CT scan and said I need a PET scan. I wish I could turn the calendar back 3 months. This screening should have occured. Now to keep my worry going while I wait. Please post how your situation resolves.