I feel so fearful once I start thinking about it.

Kimtt

Any little twinge or feeling in my breast makes my mind race and thoughts start to fill my head all over again. I'm so afraid it will come back, I am almost paralyzed- and don't want to do anything else. It's been almost two years and I can't stop myself and relax - once I get thinking. Anyone else?

farmerlucy

It takes time. Oh how I obsessed about it coming back that first year. I ran the numbers over and over and over. An antidepressant helps me a lot now. Also I've become really good at putting those dark thoughts (about anything) out of my head. I may sound a bit crazy, but if I feel myself "going there" I force myself to sing a song, verse by verse, in my mind. (John Denver's Berkeley Woman is one I use, I love ballads.) Seems my brain can only focus on one thing at a time. Another thing I do is force myself to list the types of trees I see as I pull into the driveway, again in my mind. It is better than a sleeping pill. I'm thinking it is a form of self-hypnosis. Anywho - it works for me.

Kimtt

Sometimes a distraction is hard to focus on because I feel that if I ignore what my body may (or may not) be telling me, I'll miss the early opportunity to treat myself. Although my "stats" are good, what if I'm that 1 or 2 percent. I have a hard time watching movies or tv shows with this topic, commercials or songs about sadness and C related stuff- I turn the channel. Being in a doctor waiting room even sends my mind there, and yes, being on this site kinda freaks me out a little. And forget about wearing the color pink . I feel a little silly saying that, but it's true. I can't get Mamogram's anymore so it's just self exams now. I'm kinda afraid to really probe the area- for fear I may feel something! Omg.

Lula73

yes! I feel paralyzed when it comes to making decisions about things that cost more than a couple hundred dollars (what if the cancer comes back and I can't work?), things like planning/taking a vacation (same concern as above with cost, and if it comes back I may not even be able to go on that vacation so just don't plan it), things that impact long term -we have plans to finish out upstairs, pave our 1,000 foot long driveway, maybe a pool (cost again with risk of not being able to work, what if I'm not here anymore and my husband and son are saddled with this unnecessary additional debt?). I would've worried some about cost before all this but I would've gotten over it and made the move forward. Right now I don't see being able to get past this. I'm hoping time will help.

We did go see a sports psychologist to help my son with football. He said something interesting that any of us can use when negative non-productive thoughts enter our head and keep us from doing things we want/need to do. He said visualize the thought as a slide in a slide show. Acknowledge it, then just say 'next' and move that thought out to be replaced by another thought. And if that one is negative too, say 'next' again. Keep doing it until the slide deck is clear (you've acknowledged the bad and the good or have run through all the worries) or you find the positive thought you're running with. My husband said it helped him get to sleep easier and quicker the last few nights. My son was a different person on the field yesterday (first time he got to try the technique on the field). Held himself different, moved quicker, 2 interceptions and a good tackle without an assist. I'm hopeful it will help me with the next project/purchase/vacation planning. I really need to tackle these fears and live again

mistyeyes

Yes! I know how you feel. Every thing I feel in my body I worry it is cancer. If my toe hurts I think it spread to my toe. Horrible way to live. It kept me up last night and this morning I think about how silly I am. I need to get myself together and live my life, and do what I can to be healthy and keep up with checkups. Also, it is hard to be here3 at work when I am so tired.

Kimtt

I have good days and not so good ones- like today. My doctors say all is well, live life, don't worry. I removed both of my breasts because in my mind that lessens the risk. But because I know that isn't necessarily true, I worry like I did in the beginning. When the docs offer me a MRI, I'm so afraid to do it! Afraid of the result and afraid that today may be good, but what about tomorrow?? I have nerve pain/ simptoms- or is it something else??! Not sure a professional would even help- unless they could relate.

Kimtt

going over it again and again- "what the onco said, what's the stats, was he smiling when he said all was good? Just the fact that I HAVE an oncologist disturbs me. Did u reconstruct? I can FEEL them in there. Hope nothing else is in there too. Oh Jeeeeze!! So sick of myself. I know I'm not the only one. :

Lucy55

Kmtt ..Yes ..I know how you feel ! Actually went to counseling after my diagnosis , and did help . I was encouraged to practice Mindful Thinking ..which does help .

Farmerlucy .. I LOVE your idea of singing a song ..I'm going to give it a try too :-)

ChiSandy

What drives me nuts is that every little twinge, sun exposure, gnat encounter, paper cut, kitty scratch, brushing past a bramble vine, minor kitchen burn makes me panic that not only will my lymphedema flare up but that I am destined to get cellulitis, be hooked up to massive I.V. antibiotics in a hospital room and maybe get sepsis. And now, courtesy of my AI, I have a trigger finger on that hand (had a trigger thumb last year)—so afraid that the next cortisone shot might be the last straw. I’m pretty calm about going to the MO or BS. But ever since my derm saw a small irregular mole on my back, biopsied it (twice, couldn’t get clear margins the first time), and though it was not melanoma the site got infected with MRSA, I’m so afraid that next time she’ll find a new mole and here we go again...

Kimtt

Thank you all for responding. I'm trying to stay positive, feel blessed and thankful - I am . But-- fear sneaks in and I can't seem to stop it from snowballing. I'm praying for all of us, complete healing. X

CIW

Mistyeyes--

Your post about your toe hurting and you thinking the cancer spread there made me laugh, because it's so true. I had a weird thing happen a couple weeks ago where part of my hand really hurt and got swollen and I was convinced I had a hand met...despite the fact that I am in the middle of chemotherapy. I was googling statistics of hand mets lol. Cancer is such a circus and the anxiety over every little symptom is so real.

runor

Had a dangerous tree remover come in and fall some huge pine trees. Today I was outside picking up all the limbs, burning them. What a mess! But I noticed how much more light got through with those big pine trees gone. I thought, next year I am really going to concentrate of developing some flower beds and landscaping this area. I was eager to get planting and immediately this was followed by the thought, I'll probably be dead this time next year.

What the hell?! This is such BULLSHIT! This poison of the mind, this theft of joy and hope and planning. As others have said, planning anything just seems so futile and stupid. Cause this cancer is just going to come back. Yes it is. Just my luck. One of those cancer predictor things said I had an 8% lifetime risk of getting cancer. Well I pooped all over that, didn't I? So I expect to make a liar out of everyone who tells me I'm going to live a good long life. I'd have to be living in a cave to believe that fairy-tale. These are my thoughts. Like I have a big, miserable asshole sitting on my shoulder, ruining all my joy and hope.

Worsening lymphedema is making my breast hurt more and more. I go to sleep in pain and wake up in pain. I probably should go get it checked. But part of me is terrified to walk through that doctor's door. Cause I know what happened last time I went there with a boob problem. So instead of getting things checked when I should, paranoia and fear have made me stupid.

I do not know what to tell anyone to help them with this. I resent it, this filth that clouds my life vision. I haven't found the answer yet. If I do, I'll let everyone know!