Things to do with Mum before treatment starts

HoneySyd

Hi warriors,

This is my first post, I've been lurking for a few days, reading all your incredible stories.

Mum was diagnosed last Friday with breast cancer. 6cm tumour in her left breast, biopsies confirmed IDC, and also present in her left lymph nodes. We saw the breast surgeon yesterday, she confirmed it was stage 3 and ordered a PET/CT scan, which we'll have next week. Once those results come back she could confirm treatment plan, but at this stage, the breast surgeon advised it is likely it will be chemo first before surgery.

Apart from the waves of grief and anger that I'm experiencing, I really just want to be there for her. I'm not sure how she's taking it. I haven't seen her react emotionally at all, but I think she's trying to keep it together for my sister and I. We're grown now, we're both in our early 30s, but I know she's still trying to protect us.

I'm not sure if I've posted in the correct thread but just wanted to ask you amazing warriors, I'm unsure how to be there for her. I want to spend as much time with her, especially before the aggressive treatment starts. I'm grateful we all live in the same city so she's only 30 mins drive away. She is very close to my 2 young children, she sees them almost everyday and has been a huge help for my husband and I, picking up the kids from daycare, feeding them dinner and bathing them as we make our way home from the city. I'm already mourning the changes it will make in her routine, she adores her time with her grandchildren, and even during chemo, she may not be able to see them as often with her lowered immune system capacity it seems (my kids always seem to have runny noses thanks to daycare).

She works 5 days a week in the office, usual office hours, so I get to see her after work and weekends.

I don't know if this is a weird question, should I take some lovely pictures with all of us, while she still has her hair? Or plan some trips to the zoo or plan a family picnic?? I don't know. Is there anything you wished you did before chemo started? I know life will resume again and she'll be fighting fit once she recovers from her treatment, but knowing it will start soon, I do want to make the most of the time we do have.

Many thanks in advance,

HS

ChiSandy

Ask her if there’s anything she wants to do, visit or see while she still has the strength, immune system and the time. Set up Skype or FaceTime for virtual visits with the grandkids until chemo is done and her immune system rebounds. Do you already have photos of her? Sounds weird, but some people understandably don’t want to look at photos of themselves “before chemo.” Be there for her, even if you can’t actually be there.

Trishyla

Another thing you can do for your Mom, if not before treatment, definitely during, is to make her food, clean her house, run errands for her. Whatever it takes so she can focus on getting through her treatment. My girls did that for me, and it was such a help.

It sounds like your Mom is on her own. If she lives alone, it might be helpful for one of you to plan to spend a couple of days with her when she starts treatment. For me, one of the scariest things was not knowing how my body would react to chemo. I did fine, but I couldn't know that beforehand.

Good luck. I hope all goes well for your Mum.

Trish

Shellsatthebeach

One of the things I looked forward to during my chemo treatments was going on little adventures with my friends. It was low key things like picnics, dining out, movies...Each time they would ask me if they could come visit, I said, "Hell no, I want OUT of this HOUSE!" But each person is different and she may just want to relax at home. Just ask her. Chemo does not mean she will be home bound though. I was around children (my own) throughout chemo and the nuestra shot kept my white blood count to a safe level.

Jackster51

Super sweet of your considerations.. All good advice above.. Personally, if not taken the wrong way, I love the idea of a family photo. Also the food prep and cleaning house is great idea. Maybe your sister and you can make a schedule of going to her treatments with her, if possible for you. Find and go with her to wig and hat shops.. Make it fun. Much harder for her on her own. Skype with grand kids is brilliant. A nice day of mani-pedi. Clothes shopping - if she has a mastectomy, she'll need loose fitting and easy to get on shirts. I bought very loose button downs that I did not have to lift my arms to get into - which sometimes is difficult after surgery. Get her home ready with foods, books, magazines, crossword puzzles, movie videos, comfort foods. It sounds like she'll be in good hands with you and your sister close by. All the best!

BellasMomToo

Everyone has given great advice. My favorite was getting the house in order before my chemo started. As for food prep, you don't know what she would like/tolerate during chemo so that's kind of hard. She should eat all her favorite foods before chemo starts cause she may not be able to enjoy them for a while. Having button-front shirts for infusion days if she has a port in her chest. Good luck!

Italychick

I am a grandmother, with three very close grandchildren under 5 years old who come to my house 2 days a week. I also work. I changed nothing. They still came all through treatment, but my white blood count stayed high because of Neulasta. I went to Disneyland with them, Legoland, everywhere. What worked best for me was normal life, and not being treated any differently. I honestly feel my grandkids kept me out of my head and in normal day to day life, which is what it is all about for me. They came to my house sick, full of boogers, you name it, and I never got anything they had. But that will depend on how your moms white blood cell counts are. If she does Neulasta and they stay high, she should be fine to do normal stuff. So I say don't assume she will be a semi-invalid, just take things as they come. My brother even came out during chemo (I had round 5 while he was here)and stayed with me for 10 days with his two toddlers too.

Just ask her what she wants. For me, I wanted normal, and to see those little faces the same as I always have. It reinforced why I was doing all the treatment.

Hugs, and I hope everything goes well for your mom, and for your family.

muska

Honeysyd, you were given excellent advice by the posters above. You are not saying how old your Mom is but she probably is in her 50s. If she is generally healthy otherwise it is reasonable to expect she will do fine during chemo. If her job is not physically demanding she might be able to con tongue working and just take days off on infusion days if needed. I was mostly alone while I was in treatment, continued working and tried living as normal life as possible, including occasional trips and more. And I didn't get Neulasta shots, I was just careful, avoided large crowds and washed my hands very often.

Good luck to you and your Mom

NotVeryBrave

If I were you - I'd ask your mother. Maybe bring up these thoughts of plans and see how she feels. I know I was so busy before treatment started, with multiple doctors and tests, that I don't think I could have added anything extra.

I do remember thinking about doing a family portrait and kind of running out of time. I now wish I had made the time because I'm not happy about the way my new hair looks (although glad to have it) and know it will be a really long time before it's better. Meanwhile my kids keep growing like weeds!

You're a good daughter to consider the best way to help your mom. Just knowing she can depend on you will be enormous.