How can I help my mom?

RayneLanie

My mom was diagnosed with stage 2a tnbc February 2016 with a 4.5 tumour and no lymph nodes.

After her surgery, before she started chemo she had a routine petscan and found one 1cm tumour on her left lung, which was then taken out via surgery. But during her surgery, the surgeon found extensive small mets on her left lung. (the biggest one was about 4mm)

Her MO gave her x6 FEC in 21 day cycles, and after 3 she got to NED. Her chemo ended on September 2016. She didn't have any other symptoms for 6 months, so they just checked her bloodwork, and they always came back clean. (which apparently didn't work for her.)

This April during her 6 months scan, we found out the mets on her lungs were back, 3 of them around 1cm, others micro. She started 24 cycles weekly Taxol/Carbo combo.

I know the prognosis, I know the next possible drugs etc. My only concern is that she is extremely depressed.

She keeps saying she will only be around for a couple of years at most, she has lost all hope.

I don't want to see her in an unrealisticly optimistic mind either, but she just sits around all day doing nothing (which is mostly taxol's fatigue's fault, but still...) and just thinking negatively.

Whenever I talk to her, she is on the verge of crying. Keeps repeating she won't make it.

I'm aware that her situation is not easy to accept, but I also know that she is stronger than she thinks.

I just want to know what I can do to make her feel better? How can I make her smile and laugh? Because even if I say "hi" she gets upset at me. (She is taking anti-depression meds too, but it doesn't seem to help all that much.)

So, for the women that are in her shoes,

What would make you feel better? How can I give her strength? How can I give her hope while being honest, but without giving her a bubbly false imagination?

My mom and I are really really close and I usually know how to make her laugh and smile, but this is a situation where I seem like I don't help at all.

I am giving her space too, but I can't see her dive even deeper to depression and do nothing.

Please help me.

Thank you so much for reading.

Sjacobs146

is your mom seeing a therapist? She may benefit from counseling and perhaps anti depressants. I have a friend who recently died from Pancreatic cancer and the therapy and medshelped significantly.

ShetlandPony

RayneLanie, it is so hard to watch someone we love in the throes of depression. Such a helpless feeling. We can't solve it all. I do have a few suggestions. First, it can take some trial and error to find the right anti-depressant, so I hope your mom will talk to her psychiatrist about this soon. Second, something that helped me a lot in the beginning, besides having a good therapist to help me adjust to the diagnosis, was to attend an in-person stage iv cancer support group. There I met many people who were doing well and living with the diagnosis, and had been for quite a while. It gave me hope. Then I continued getting and giving support here on BCO. It may take some searching to find such a group. Finally, you and your mom might want to read the thread "Tips for fighting the dark clouds".

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/...

Artista928

I agree that getting her to a doc who can rx her depression and anxiety meds would really help her. Being in that despair you really need to be on meds to help cope. Many of us are on meds so there is nothing wrong with it.