My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

runor

BooBoo!  You turd!  You gave me a frickin heart failure!  I'm all freaked out, oh my god, I can never post again because every time I say something I say it wrong and like Shetland said, manage to shoot an arrow into my own ass. You got me good!!  I hope you are feeling better but if you were to grow a big, red pimple on the end of your nose for like a week, I'd think you kind of deserved it! 

It's after 1 in the morning. I am eating a bun with peanut butter. I always think I can eat in my computer room and it's okay, I won't make a mess. Then when I have to disassemble the keyboard and wash it in the kitchen sink - yes, you heard me, wash it in the kitchen sink - I blame Hub for getting a gooey mess on my keyboard. The man has been accused of many peanut butter muck ups that I'm pretty sure are my fault. I am a closet peanut butter junkie. 

I don't know if I believe in god. I don't know if I'm an atheist. I don't know. It changes.   I worry that after death it will be an endless, silent, solitary blackness. A blackness in which I am aware of only myself. That, to me, would be hell. Eternity alone with nothing but my own thoughts. I had a dream once, and here under the cover of anonymity I will say that it felt like an out-of-body experience or one of those whackadoo astral projection thingys more than a dream. But it was blackness. Utter, eternal, impenetrable, cold, swirling blackness. I was in it and I was utterly alone. Just silent, senseless black. I 'came to' with a gasp and full body lurch. Even woke Hub. It was not like waking from a dream but more like being slammed back into my body.  I was so messed up I couldn't even begin to explain it.  I forget most of my dreams. I have never forgotten that or the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that lingered for days after. I can't explain it. But if there's a hell, I think I visited its suburb. 

My big thing is missing out on what's going on. Not being included. Life rolling on without me. I want to be included in the daily lives of my peeps. Being dead is the ultimate sideline. The ref taps you out and you stay out...forever. I have so much I don't want to miss. I am too interested. Too aware.  Maybe when life gets too dull, too hard to follow, too tiring to pay attention to, maybe if I reach that point death won't be so bad. I hope. Again, I don't know. 

booboo1

Runor,

You won’t believe it, but this giant pimple appeared this morning out of nowhere…yup, end of my nose. I look like a bald witch! Ok, not really, but I do deserve one.


Hope you have a good day all.

Big hugs from FL.

Sunshine99

runor, the image of you shooting an arrow into your own ass cracked me up. Someone needs to draw a cartoon of that one!

mara51506

Tanya, how relaxing it must have been to have your DH rubbing your feet during the MRI. I wish I had someone do that so I could fall asleep faster in there myself.

Lovely day today. Walked this morning and picked up some burger patties at my burger joint, no buns. Trying out giving up white bread most often and using the lower glycemic carbs in the beans and beefless ground. Planning to grind up some beans and burgers together for a couple of meals and combine with some of the meatless. Partly, I need to use up a ton of gift cards I bought through surveys for said burger joint.

I also was invited to take part in a zoom focus group in one of my surveys yesterday. It was about an hour long and there were 8 of us and the moderator. Was really interesting because it was talking about addictive behaviour and how we feel our local, federal and provincial government handles it. I liked giving my perspective on it but the best part was that it paid 75.00 all for one hour of my time. Hope I can take part in more focus groups.

Anonymous

Its pouring rain here tonight and the heat will be breaking for tomorrow for a good ten days, thank god. Other Half was not feeling great today, I felt kinda woozy Monday, and a work friend called in sick yesterday after almost fainting twice and having upset stomach. We drink a lot of water and eat in a balanced way, but it can get to be a slog with day after day of soupy heat.

If we are talking religion and dreams and what happens in the beyond, I will share that a few weeks ago I had a very vivid dream - one of those you get when you go back to sleep for an hour or so after waking early. In my dream Alex Trebek was holding my hand and I asked him "is it bad?" and he said "no, its not bad at all". Then I asked if he would let me know when it was time, and he said not to worry, that he would come back and tell me but right now wasn't it. I asked him to promise, and he did, squeezed my hand and I woke up. Pretty sure it was my subconscious processing stuff after doing a lot of therapy lately, but I had the greatest sense of peace after that dream and its carried through since.

Would have been nice for it to have been oh i dont know, a dead beloved relative rather than a gameshow host, but hey ill take what I can get!

booboo1

Sondra,

I’m not sure who will greet me at the gates, but I’m hoping for Charleton Heston (he’s a bit older, but who cares?) or some other handsome character. Isn’t the mind an awesome thing though? I wonder how often God visits us in our sleep? I know he uses dreams to communicate because there are many examples in the Bible.

I’m reading a really good book called “Imagine Heaven” (author John Burke). It’s about people who have had near-death experiences. I’ve only started it, but it’s hard to put down.

runor

SondraF -  Alex Trebek!!  Well. If anyone in life more portrayed a steady, sensible, trustworthy person, I don't know who. I think when your soul is seeking assurance and the universe hands you Alex Trebek, you have solved your issue. Be thou not afraid. Alex says so. For the win!

BooBoo - karma, Baby! Karma!

illimae

Hi all, my appointment with my brain rads onc isn’t until next week but my MO reviewed Tuesdays MRI and said it’s stable with nothing new. I’ll take it and since radiation was only last month, I wasn’t expecting any significant tumor shrinking.

moth

yay, stable is good!

candy-678

Mae- Good news !!!!! I am glad.

SeeQ

Mae - great news as we get ready to roll into the weekend! I'm sure it makes it a little easier to relax.

runor

Hooray Mae!  

Kittykat9876

Great news Mae.

booboo1

Mae, awesome news. So happy for you.

GoldensRBest

Mae - great news on stable! Enjoy your weekend

GoldensRBest

Taking hubs back for another cardio version today. Doc wants to make sure heart is set back onto correct pathways following his ablation 2 weeks ago. Something tells me this is his albatross like MBC is ours

Micmel

that’s wonderful news Mae. Right into the weekend with. Sending you good thoughts from a far. Whhhhhhhooooooo hooooooo!

Micmel

goldens. Pocket duty for your DH!

GoKale4320

Congratulations, Mae! Great news!!

Micmel

I put away some laundry and sprayed a toilet. I broke out in a sweat. I’m so lame !

SeeQ

Mel- you crack me up! lol

mara51506

I have sweat doing much less than that.

Mae, good news on the stable.

Goldens, throw me in DH pocket as well.

I am waiting for Amazon to deliver some stuff for the cats, food and some Urine Destroyer enzyme cleaner. I like to dilute it to a spray bottle and use it on clothes that don't need washing, when dry they just smell clean and of course spray down the litterbox so my apartment stays fresh. I also use it in my microfiber mop to refresh the floors. I am also walking indoors as it was raining quite a bit this morning. Once it clears up and I get my deliveries, I will head to the grocery store for a couple of things. Kind of a boring day but a good one, playing my DVD copy of Star Wars a Musical Journey as I love the music by John Williams.

emac877

Oh my word, you guys crack me up. I think I was waiting for the drama to go down too but unlike Mae with the popcorn I'm more of the shrink back and hide in the blanket type. I'm popping in to say hello. Waiting on a call from a new manager. I applied to a different position in my hospital. I have had a horrific time this last run of shifts and am realizing that sometimes life just lets us know when we are ready to pivot and move in a new direction. I feel like I'm there. I will definitely fill in more details as I have them.

Frigging cancer though. Booboo1, like you, I don't think I am afraid of death. I've found that my thoughts are impulsive so I have my moments but I think the last three years I have come to a comfort zone with my faith and with death believing that death has ultimately lost, if not on this side of life then on the other side. I totally think dogs are in heaven! I've seen death come quietly and peacefully and I've seen those who go kicking and screaming to the very end. I'm not sure which one I'll be. I definitely plan to have some negotiations.

DodgersGirl

Illimae— congrats on stable!!!

RosieRed

My DH and I had the day off yesterday, so we took our boys to a quaint town that has a river walk. Took a picture of this blue heron that was waiting patiently to catch a fish.

Tanya_Djamila

Mae congrats on stable. Nice to hear good news.

Tany

candy-678

Tanya- Did you have your MRI? Any news?

Tanya_Djamila

Candy had MRI Tuesday. Onc appt this coming Tuesday. Thanks for asking. Always unsettled waiting.

Tany

booboo1

Hi Tanya, Candy, Rosie,

I hope this Saturday is treating you well. We are getting days and days of rain here. I feel like a duck. Anyway, Tanya, I hope all went well with your MRI.

illimae

In your pocket Tanya

Great pic Rosie

Hello to everyone, I hope you’re having a nice weekend. I’m good but wish one of my friends would have a pool party, sigh..