Parent with dementia-should I tell her?

Leatherette

I have not yet told my mother in law, who hasn't been out of bed since September, sleeps about 90% of the time, and remembers very little, that I have cancer. She doesn't remember that she has cancer (pancreatic). I have just felt that if she does remember, she will worry and not be able to do anything about it, and if she forgets, would I keep telling her? A friend of the family brought up a good point-she will notice when my hair is gone. She notices when people cut or color their hair.

So, should I tell her, or just wear a wig for visits and let it go?

pupmom

Why on earth would you do that to her???

peaches1

Hi- I've worked with dementia patients for 30+ years, and even if you tell her she won't remember. Since she has dementia and pancreatic cancer I assume that she is in hospice, and she won't be around much longer. You have another 10 days before your chemo starts, and probably at least another 12 days after that before your hair starts falling out. If she is still alive then, I would just wear a hat, unless you were planning on buying a wig anyway, and more than likely she will not notice anything, and if she does you can just tell her that you did not have time to dry your hair, and just decided to cover it up with the hat.

Speaking from personal experience, I would advise you to get your hair cut short before it starts falling out, because then you do not have to deal with it falling out all at once. I was told that my hair would fall out in 18 days, and I postponed getting it cut. On the 13th day it started falling out while I was cooking. I just touched my hair, and a big wad of it ended up in my hand, and I finally took a pair of scissors and cut most of the rest of it off. This was after dealing with clumps of hair falling out for over an hour. Once it came out I covered my head most of the time when I went out so people would not freak out. I still had lots of people ask me if I was going through chemo, or what was going on that knew me. It took about five months before I had enough hair grown back to feel comfortable without the hat. I did not get my hair cut for 11 months. I have gotten more complements about my hair since it has started growing back in. It was semi straight before, and now it is kind of wavy. Hope this helps.

Leatherette

Thank you, Peaches! And yes, I am getting my hair, which is already pretty short, cut soon

Pupdog, my reaction, too, but I was wrestling with showing respect for her as a person that I know cares about me and not wanting to assume she couldn't handle something

Janetanned

I never told my father or aunt when I was diagnosed. My father was 96, living in a assisted living facility at the time. He was not suffering from dementia and was in good health considering his age. He lost my mother 30 years before to breast cancer and I could not put him through the stress of loosing me. As suggested above, I had my hair cut short and bought a wig to match. He never knew. He passed 2 years later and I never regretted my decision. I didn't tell my aunt either (my mom's sister) at the request of her children. She eventually learned about it, but I was out of the woods and on the road to recovery by then. I couldn't put either one through the worry and stress.

I would say that it probably makes little sense to tell your mother in law.

Denise-G

I was my aunt's guardian - she was in a Dementia Nursing Home - when I was diagnosed and going through treatment.  I did almost tell her once in a weak moment when she commented on how cute my hair was (a wig), but decided against it.  It was not in her best interest for me to tell her.  She has since passed, and I am always grateful I never tried to tell her. 

Lastthingiexpected

My mother has dementia . I told her and she cried. Then she asked me another daywhy I had not been to see her and I told her I had breast cancer and had surgery. She cried again. So I never spoke of it again. I realized it was cruel as she was hearing it for the first time every time .

edwards750

I agree with pupmom and peaches. My MIL had Alzheimer's. She wouldn't have remembered either. Make up something if she asks. I seriously doubt she will be suspicious.

Diane

Artista928

As someone who hasn't even told her fam (except my bro), no way would I tell someone that ill about it. My friend's mom is 90 and is in assisted living, also in and out of hospital a lot. She has mild dementia. Her dau my friend told her about me when I was dx'd. Sometimes she remembers and it makes her very depressed and upset because how can someone so young and so nice be stricken with this. Sometimes now it's hard for her to see me. Not what I wanted because I want to keep visiting her. It certainly doesn't help her emotional/mental well being, what's left of it, to know about me. It makes no difference how many times I tell her I'm fine now. She's upset. So I highly advise you don't clue her in.

Leatherette

Thank you all for helping me feel right about my decision to not tell her