Girlfriend won't talk to me after her stage 4 diagnosis

devastatednalone

Has anyone else been cast aside after someone they love is diagnosed with cancer? i took her to the hospital, to her appointments, and I was there during the biopsy. Now, over a month later, she barely speaks to me. When she does, it's only through text. When I call, she says she'll call back, but never does. She claims she's sick, but pictures of events that she's at show up on her facebook. She's out with family and friends, but I have not even seen her since she was told it's stage 4, and she'll be lucky to make it a few years. I'm reeling from the news and have nobody to talk to about it.

I don't know what I did to make her keep me at a distance. She always told me that I treated her really good. But now it seems as though I've been dumped from the relationship. We don't live that far apart. I'm not sure what, if anything I can do or should do at this point. Do I assume the relationship is over? Do I wait for some sign, that after 2 years, that she still wants me around? I HATE this. I don't think I did anything wrong, but I feel like I certainly don't deserve this lack of response. I'm hurt, devastated, abandoned, angry, and ready to give up. But if I give up, I don't want to be accused of running when things got hard... because I did not. I was abandoned at a time when her needs were most important, and my needs were considered non-existent. I don't know what to do... I've become desperate, and nearly suicidal over it all.

Am I the only one that's encountered this?

Lula73

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My bet is that she likely thinks it's not fair to you to be saddled with her since she is stage 4. It may be that in her mind she's setting you free to find someone who will be here for you long after she is gone from this world. Cancer isn't fair to anyone involved in so many ways. Those dealing with having it often try to protect the ones they live and put their (sometimes perceived) needs first. I don't know how to get her to talk to you livetime. The best I can offer is to continue texting and maybe drop by when you know she's home or going to be somewhere. Good luck to you both

devastatednalone

Thanks. I can't just stop by, she hates that. And I can't keep texting her because she's asked for time. I've told her that I'll be there to help her through this, and that I want to be there. I just keep getting rejected. I guess I'll have to just give up and wait to read the obituary in the newspaper. I'm so frustrated, because this also affects me and my kids too.

Tickety_boo

Maybe she would be willing to just have a conversation with you - maybe about the way the relationship is going. That seems like a reasonable thing to expect.

ksusan

"she's asked for time"--then give her time.

LisaAlissa

This is going to sound hokey...but how about love letters? She can open them at her leisure, and can read them as quickly (or as slowly) as she wants to. Be clear that you're not pressuring her, but want her to know you still care.

If you still love her, tell her that. Others may have ideas...mine is definitely not thought out. You don't want to come across as "stalker-ish." Perhaps talk with a couples therapist about how to write non-threatening, loving, letters?

Just an idea...

LisaAlissa

artistatheart

Lisa, I think the letters are an excellent idea. I agree that she is pushing you away to protect you. I know I have moments where I feel like I am nothing but a burden to my DH. I don't want someone sticking around out of pity when I am sick and look horrific. Most of the time I don't feel the way but some days I feel like he is getting gyped.

nihahi

You're likely not going to like my response.

You sound like a caring guy who wants to help, and I'm sorry you are feeling hurt, but... we only have your "side" of the relationship.

You say you have children and you're feeling suicidal...please talk to a counselor...talk to a pastor...talk to someone. Do NOT lay that on a woman dealing with cancer.

It could be that you are caught up in the collateral emotional damage that comes with a stage iv dx. It could be that she isn't as into the relationship as you are. It could be that she is trying to find her way into how she wants to find a new "normal" after such a devastating blow. It could be that that she needs time.

Whatever the reason that she has distanced herself from you...I hope you care enough to give her the time and space she's asked for. Write a letter, express your concerns, affection, willingness to help, and understanding that she's got some big things to sort out, and you're there if or when she wants to include you. Then show some respect for what she's dealing with, and step back for awhile, without judgement or anger. She's dealing with something much bigger than your wants and feelings.

How she handles her stage iv status AND the relationship between you is her decision to make...not yours to judge. Imho...being given a stage iv dx gives someone the unenviable right to choose what works for them.

wrenn

She has been given a life threatening diagnosis and very likely doesn't have the energy to take care of your needs. You are only talking about how this affects you and I am not hearing much understanding or compassion about what her experience is. Let her decide if she has the energy for the relationship and don't worry about how you will be perceived.

Maybe seeing a counsellor will help.

Wishing you peace

devastatednalone

Of course it's hers to decide. It's also mine too. And I am now dealing with my own health issue, that I have not been able to even mention because her concerns should be about herself. What I have left out of my original post, is that my health concern includes my own impending death. While I'd love to have some support for the last 2 years of my life (that's the timeframe I've been given), I should be allowed to be set free if she cannot talk to me more than a few sentences after more than a month. She's not been happy with me if she thinks I'm withholding any information from her about anything, so I try to openly discuss such things. So now she'll be angry if I wait much longer to give her the information.

We're both going through our own levels of hell. She has the support of a vast cancer community, family and friends. While I sit at a distance. Thanks everyone, but this is clearly not the place for me to get any support of any kind. Best wishes to all, I will just cancel this account. Take care.

ksusan

It seems to me that you got support, but also advice (which you asked for). We are strangers on the internet. I also think a counselor might be helpful for you, since you also have stuff going on.

Do please notice that you also just dumped a little load of crap on a group of people on a cancer message board when they took the time to be responsive to you.