Knowing that you are the reason for stress

pianolady

My DH and DS have never gotten along very well. My son is 24 with autism, and my husband has never accepted that he can't control some of his behaviors. I have always been the buffer. Now that I am tired and sick much of the time (battling thrush right now, ugh) they argue constantly about mundane things like laundry, dishes, etc. it adds so much to my stress to listen to them and to know that this disease is the cause of all this fighting. I have talked to them both but nothing seems to help. Feeling frustrated and afraid for the future.

Debbie

cive

Debbie, it sounds like you think you are all powerful.  I don't know why you think your cancer is the cause of the stress, although it certainly doesn't contribute to your overall well being.  You husband, sister, and to a lesser degree your son are responsible for the stress that is between them, not you or your cancer because it is something you CAN NOT control.  They are the only ones that can improve their relationships.  It is not possible for you to control others and their angst, just your own.  Perhaps their bickering is just the way they connect to each other, who knows?  But you are not responsible for it and are only responsible for alleviating your own stress which is something you can control but not them.  Perhaps you need earplugs when they get to bickering.

blainejennifer

PianoLady,

I am completely ignorant of how you might be working with your son's ASD. Is it possible that your son would benefit from some structured activities that would get him out of the house on a daily basis? He's 24, and I'm sure he's aching to explore (even with Autism). Your husband might be suffering from a subconscious desire to have you to himself more, especially now that you are ill. I know it's like ripping your heart out and stomping on it, but have you looked into group living for your son?

My cousin, Carl (non-verbal ASD), blossomed in a group living environment. He made friends, and started enjoying life in a way that we had not thought possible. My Aunt and Uncle report that they love him more than ever, now that they get some distance. He has week-ends at home, but is very eager to get back to his gang Sunday nights.

I can tell that your son is your heart, and that you are gutted that this disease is interrupting his life path. Do your husband and son know how their behaviors are affecting you?

I re-read what I wrote, and none of it seems to be what I really mean to say, which is that I live your life too, and it sucks sometimes. You are the buffer, and this disease is forcing you to take some of that energy and apply it to yourself, just to get through the day. So there you are, tired, achy, and the dynamic duo are at it again. I don't know how to fix it. In our house, I just fire up the headphones and pray that they'll sort it out. It seems to be working, or maybe I've just got the volume set so high that I can't hear them.

pianolady

Thank you blainejennifer. Our son is very high-functioning, works 30 hours per week, and goes to habilitation 2 days per week. So he's not here all the time. My husband still works; he would like to retire but that would leave me with no insurance. So I do get time away, although as a piano teacher I'm usually involved with that. Also my son is a great help with the yard work, etc.

It's just that my husband doesn't handle any kind of stress well, and for better or worse he has been shielded from it. By me, of course! I just dont have the energy and they are driving me crazy. i guess I need to spend more time in the garden...

Debbie

blainejennifer

Pianolady,

I'll hit the garden with you! I have three flats of annuals that I've had for two weeks now. It's a race to see if I get them in before they get completely root bound.

I wish my kid could help with the yard - every time I send him out there to work, he gets upper respiratory distress and stays sick for about a day. He's not keen on the scratch test (needles!), so it's just me for now. My husband still has scary flashbacks from my reaction when he "weeded" all my milkweed. Can I borrow your son?

I feel for your husband (and you, of course). He must be breaking inside with his worry about you. There's no good way to fix that, is there?

About three years ago, I decided to step back from Husband/Son quarrels. I'm not Judge Judy, and I needed a break. They have their ebbs and flows, and it took them about a year to realize that I wasn't going to step in. I'm not going to say it's great - I looked over last month and they were wrestling over a keyboard like toddlers - but it is better. And, I really recommend some good noise cancelling headphones. Audiobooks + knitting = peace.

BTW: Being an ASD mom is hard. Salutations.

Heidihill

I hear you about the stress. DD and DH are also driving me crazy. Hopefully the newly weds upstairs are too busy to notice the background noise. (They just moved in this month, when DH was mostly away.) I hope there is some way for you to relieve your stress.

In my case, I have decided to leave the house and go to a cafe the next time they start fighting. This is about Quality of Life and I am willing to spend my retirement funds on decaf coffee if need be.