Easily overwhelmed after being matriarch and juggler-in-chief

LisaCharlene

I've been so thankful for all of the information, experiences, and advice/tips that I've found here. I've been a quiet observer until now, but need to hear from some sister-warriors today as I am at a loss.

I'm done with chemo and looking forward to getting through the radiation to follow, but am at rock-bottom energy levels. In the past I've always been the matriarch, taking care of everything and everyone, and was proud of the fact that I could keep all of the balls in the air and still be the cruise director for our social group. I'm out of gas and every little thing seems to overwhelm me now.

I have so much that needs to get done and I simply, physically and emotionally, can't seem to get it done. Part of me says I'm just feeling sorry for myself and the other part of me says get off your lazy butt and get going. Then there's the part of me who just wants to lay her head down in Mom's lap and cry and Mom's been gone since I was 12.

Has anyone out there experienced this dysfunctional state and would you have any advice for getting past it? Should I see a therapist or start drinking Red Bull? LOL!!

If anyone can walk me through this, I'd appreciate it. We have 2 big events at the end of May and I need to get organized, asap.

Praying for and end to the energy crisis!

MTwoman

Oh my goodness, YES we've been through it! Bless your heart, you are typically the support for everyone else. Let me ask you this: if you had a very dear friend, who was going through this, what would you advise her to do? soldier on? I'd bet not. You'd ask her how you could help, you'd rally the troops around her, you'd move heaven and earth to make sure she could just take care of herself (for a change). Wouldn't you?

So here is your challenge (and a challenge it will be): it is time to say yes to those who want to help (and I know there have been folks asking). When I was going through treatment, I complained to my therapist that everyone was asking me what they could do to help. (lol) She asked me what I told them. I said I didn't really want to bother anyone, so I didn't tell them really anything (I'm fine, but thanks). She encouraged me to make a list of things that would be helpful, some small, some larger, whatever would be helpful. And the next time someone asked, to pull out my list and say, "well, now that you've asked . . ." and let them pick something that they felt they would like to do from my list. It felt awkward at first, but it got easier and let me tell you, it felt good to people who cared about me to be able to do something to support me. It let them in. I know how good it feels to be able to help people I care about, and it seemed to feel as good for them to be able to help me. And if you get comfortable saying, "yes, thanks, here's what you can do", then you can graduate to actually asking people who didn't volunteer.

So I would recommend a therapist (having had one and actually being one myself), but not everyone enjoys the same types of support. I also worked with a nurse navigator that was amazingly helpful. Stay away from Red Bull (there is scientific evidence that even one can increase your risk of having a cardiovascular event) and start prioritizing yourself. You deserve it after all the time and energy you've devoted to others AND it is what you need to heal. You need to learn to slow down a bit, delegate a bit more, and put yourself first. (please take this with the support and well wishes it is intended to convey) ((hugs))

LisaCharlene

Thanks MTwoman! And yes, family and friends do offer, constantly. And yes, my typically answer is 'thanks, but I got it'.

I like the list idea, going to do that now and try it. If I can't shake this funk I think visit to a therapist may be in order. Thanks, and hope you're doing well and staying healthy!!

MTwoman

LisaCharlene, Good for you!! Make a list and see how great others get to feel when they can finally help you for a change Set up your support system and take some time for good self-care. Mani/Pedi? massage? spa day? hair done? bubble bath? whatever sounds good!

I am doing well, thanks! Beautiful spring weather and a nice long hike on Saturday (the Japanese call it Forrest bathing?) and a home 'spa' pedi Sunday night - hits the spot for me!

DeltaLady

I have been caregiver to my husband who has had stage IV metastatic pancreatic cancer since March 2014.He also has fronto-temporal deterioration and finds it difficult to speak. He's been off any form of treatment since Jan. 2016 and his disease is progressing. There's a chance he can try a new chemo drug but we are waiting to see if he is "approved," and even if he is, he has to decide if it's worth the time and effort for a supposed extra 4 months of life.

In 2015 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy & radiation. Been on Tamoxifen for about 20 months with terrible side effects.

I find myself increasingly burned out, fatigued, weepy, unable to sleep, and the joint pain and hot flushes from Tamoxifen aren't helping. So my question is, have any of you tried antidepressants, specifically Effexor? Knowing the worst is yet to come I don't know if i can do it any more without some form of chemical help.

mustlovepoodles

I definitely feel more vulnerable now, almost 2yrs post-diagnosis. I have always been the keeper and decision-maker of all things healthcare, because I'm a nurse. Well, maybe I don't wanna do that any more. Maybe, after a 40yr career, maybe I don't wanna BE a nurse anymore. I'm 60yrs old and I'm ready to move on to the next phase, ya know?

Thankfully, my DH is thoroughly supportive. He is disabled and he really gets my feelings. So, we're at least on the same page. When my anxiety is on high alert, he helps ground me. If that doesn't work, there's Mr Xanax, LOL.

MTwoman

DeltaLady,

Oh bless your heart, you have your hands more than full. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and that both you and your own treatment is potentially taking a backseat (even though this is certainly understandable). Please do talk to your provider about antidepressants. They can be very helpful! here is a link that discusses antidepressants and tamox interactions: https://csn.cancer.org/node/245913

Also, is there any support for you from a local cancer support community? I would encourage you to reach out for help, it sounds like you might be able to use some?? Sending you light and ((hugs))

DeltaLady

Thank you for your supportive words, MT woman.

Just posting seems to have helped a little, as did lunch with my girlfriend. I've looked at your helpful link. I've also had 2 nights without pain, (for some inexplicable reason), which was wonderul. I see the Doc on the 31st and will get a prescriptionfor the antidepressant with the fewest side effects. Hug right back at you.

MTwoman

Oh that's good to hear! Sometimes letting things out can be really helpful, not to mention connecting with friends! Please keep talking to us here if it helps. There are women who've gone through pretty much every kind of treatment, from every walk of life, and you'll find no judgment here; only support. ((hugs))

DeltaLady

I can't believe it's August already. Pretty smoky here in the Okanagan, and hot! I started low dose Effexor and Clonidine in June. There have been zero side effects, after all my fears, except even worse constipation. Hot flushes have been cut in half but I do have these facial heat waves that leave me dripping. Not giving up coffee yet though! In 6 months I will have to decide whether to switch from Tamoxifen to an AI.

Husband's fronto-temporal degeneration is much worse, but I just found a very helpful forum. He tried the new chemotherapy protocol for 2 cycles, then quit. The main side effect (unstoppable diarrhea) was making him sicker. I certainly had to agree with his decision. All his tumours are growing and he now has lymph node involvement, but he still looks so well that they almost laughed us out of ER when I had to take him for IV fluids due to dehydration. Why don't they listen to us caregivers???

My moods have stabilized and I haven't had a crying jag for 3 months. and I am able to tolerate his bizarre behaviour pretty well. The latest is stealth. This formerly noisy man now creeps up on me without a sound and scares the heck out of me. His speech and "executive" abilities are diminishing daily, yet he manages to kibbitz with friends. Probably because it doesn't involve any thinking and intelligent speech. For everything else he relies on or defers people to me.