Struggling with my diagnosis

Molls32

All things considered I am very lucky. I found out I have the BRCA 1 mutation last July and immediately started screenings. By February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The cancer didn't spread and was stage 1A. But I am struggling emotionally every day.

I feel like I'm still in shock - everything happened so quickly. I had a double mastectomy with expanders put in, and while I was healing from surgery I started medications for IVF so my husband and I could plan for a family. In a couple of weeks I'll do another round of egg extractions and then immediately after that I'll have 5 months of chemo and reconstructive surgery after that.

Even with my good prognosis, I feel totally cheated out of a happy life. My husband and I were trying for our first baby when I found out I had breast cancer. The hardest thing is knowing that I have to put our family on hold for another couple of years. On top of that there is the constant discomfort of my expanders, the anxiety of chemo and the fear that this thing might come back and kill me. I'm simplifying it - my mind goes to all sorts of dark places.

I know that having a positive attitude is essential to healing, but I can't do it. I'm too affected by this emotionally and I'm resentful that my friends are moving on with their lives while I'm struggling. I'm ashamed to admit that I resent my healthy and happy friends. This is the lowest I've ever felt. And I don't know how to get out of it.

Italychick

When I was initially diagnosed, somebody told me it is like a person dying, you go through the stages of grief. I was initially shocked, then sad, mourning my lost healthy body, then pissed off saying why me, and two and a half years later, I have reached acceptance that it is a part of my life I will have to deal with forever. Your feelings are totally understandable, especially since you are in your family planning years.

Don't feel bad about how you feel. Acknowledge the feelings as real and when you are able, put a plan in place to deal with them, therapy, antianxiety drugs, antidepression, whatever you need. I do feel the first six months were the hardest. Hugs, and I hope for the best outcome for you and that you get to have children in the future.

MinusTwo

Molls - I agree. You've been dealt a nasty hand. Sorry for all the problems. But yes, it does get easier. Just a quick tip - it is usually better if you post on one thread, then people can answer and know the back story. Also when you get a chance, to go to My Profile and add your diagnosis & treatment, and make it public. It helps with future responses. We'll be thinking of you as you navigate the latest hurdles.

runor

Molls

I read somewhere that it is NOT essential to recovery to be positive. In fact, the push to be positive, the guilt to be optimistic and smiley and bright, when you feel like you've been hit with a sack of flaming poop, is just one more cruelty heaped on women at a very bad time.

My mom said to me that I 'had to think positive'. I said, Really? Why? Why do I have to think positive? I was a pretty positive person and look how that turned out! I have cancer. No family history, don't smoke, don't go swimming in chemical filled lagoons ... here I am, breast cancer. And now I'm supposed to paint it with a thick coating of positive thinking? Like hell I will ! I am pissed off and scared to death, or more honestly, scared OF death and so, for now anyway, positive is off the table !

I am aiming now for calm resignation. I didn't want to have my boob cut up, twice, but I did. I am not a fan of scars, yet here they are. I hate needles and hospitals. I hate feeling sick and I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate being bald. Yet ... I have been sucked down that vortex so the best thing now is to keep my arms and legs inside the ride, hang on with both hands and have faith that I will get through. I will focus on getting through. Through the day, through the hour, the next minute. Putting one foot in front of the other is what is required and I can do that, and WILL do that, positive, negative, or something in between.

If you wake up one day and a glimmer of hope has shone through the dark clouds, if even for a moment you catch that rare ray of brightness, then see it. Admire it. Say how beautiful it is. If it comes to you more and more often, then you have found your positivity. But for some of us, it is an event that happens when we are not looking for it. But whether you are positive by nature or positive over a long time in small bits, do not make things worse by adding pressure. There is no passing or failing grade for how well you do cancer. You just need to show up. Toughness, grit, balls of steel, WAAAAYYY more helpful than a positive attitude. (in my opinion)

wrenn

What she said ^^^

I think "positive attitude" has been oversold. What is least stressful on your system is to feel what you feel. Bodies can't be tricked and it takes a lot of energy to force an 'attitude'. If you feel like crap sit with it. Acknowledge it. Accept all feelings. You've been dealt a shitty hand.

Google " in defense of sadness...cancer lynx". It helped me

ksusan

I found it helpful to use the waves of distress and anger as a reminder to breathe, drink some water, and shift my focus if I was beginning to ruminate. Those behaviors were the best I could do for "positive attitude" most of the time, and they did reduce my stress. Sometimes, though, you just need to break out 10 minutes to cry or scream into a pillow.