I Miss My Casual Relationship with Food

Jojobird

Before Cancer

I always ate pretty healthy: fruits, vegetables, organic, fish. I made pasta with pesto, but added garlic and basil leaves, and a salad, with salmon. Sometimes I threw in some cake or a Coke. Rarely, a drink, but there was that, too. And an occasional Lindt chocolate milk ball. In the scheme of things, you might call me healthy. You might have rated my diet a 7-8.

And I ran. I worked out. I lifted weights and walked. All of this was done with the sure-footed satisfaction of no disease, knowing I was doing everything (or most things) "right." It was a happy bliss.

I miss it.

I miss not worrying about antioxidants, about chemicals in my water supply, about washing the apple a third (again!) time. I miss trying new soda types, buttercream frosting, a piece of candy when the whim suited me. I miss maple syrup and heaping pancakes eaten in a rush of warm pleasure, and garlic french fries, and fried chicken skins. I never ate these often, but now it's never. I miss Coke and diet Coke. I miss bacon, oh Lord do I miss bacon. Crisp the cut, pop it in your mouth bacon. I miss not worrying if I have a bite of a maple bar, that my cancer will return. I know that's not rational, of courses a single maple bar bite won't cause it, but once cancer invades there's not much reasoning with fear. I miss draft beer at the pub, with the underpinning "yes" of sausage if I felt like it. Or chips, fear-free.

I miss my loose mouth after 3-4 mojitos on a mom's night out, thank you friend for driving me home. Now it's 1 drink nursed for hours while everyone yuks it up, designated driver equals yours truly. I curse when my kid's not home, and there's no excuse for sex jokes. (I still tell them.With friends.)

I am tired of cruciferous vegetables. Can I say that? Sick to effing hell. I know, I know: they're good for you all that. But broccoli sprouts, kale, brussels sprouts and broccoli itself can pack up in the back of the station wagon and drive off the cliff. I will escort them, supply them with a driver. Buh-bye. They are fine, fine, of course, but day after day the company gets old.

The constant chopping. The constant produce shopping. Recipes and no-more-commercial-dressing hunting. Someone irritating will tell me to make this into a "positive journey" and I will want to show them the finger. *You* try it, miss cheer-up.

Oh, I'm glad to be alive of course. Aren't we all? But there's a threshold crossed here, one I didn't want and have the right to poke at. We're now in the house of "Everything Matters," and "Preventing Recurrence," and "Watch it, Watch it." The rooms are filled with angles and dark corners, and the only knowns are a few steps ahead. A few bites ahead.

My sisters, I know this house is familiar. I'm just tired of living here today. Thanks for reading my rant.

exbrnxgrl

jojobird,

It is commendable that you are doing things that you feel will cut down on your chances of recurrances. Good nutrition is something that benefits all of us. However, if maintaining a restrictive diet is causing you stress or making you unhappy, it may be time to relax and enjoy one of life's great pleasures; food!

Now, I'm not suggesting that you live on cheeseburgers and Doritos, l'm a firm believer in moderation and embracing the joy of food as well as the important social contacts that sharing food, and drink, with friends and family brings. Remember if diet was the key to preventing recurrances, most of us would jump on board and few would recur. Since diet is only one component in a list of behaviors that may, MAY, hold off recurrance don't make it into something that causes stress and unhappiness. I just let it go. Don't misunderstand. I eat very little meat, buy organic when I can and eat lots of fruit and veggies, but... If I want a drink, I have one (never was a good drinker). Bacon, sweets ? In moderation, why not? But whatever "forbidden" foods I occasionally eat, I eat with great relish and joy. There is so much to stress with breast cancer that food should not add to the stress.

As you look at my signature line, you may think, Hey, she's stage IV. Perhaps she should have maintained a restrictive diet. Like you, I ate well and lived a healthy lifestyle, most of the time, prior to my dx. At first, I was a bit compulsive about what I ate/drank. And like you, I was stressed and unhappy about the things I was depriving myself of. I got into huge arguments with my dd who felt she had to help me by monitoring my diet. Food became a potential enemy, not a source of joy and satisfaction

I have absolutely no idea if my approach to food contributed to 5+ years of NED, nor would I ever claim it did. I just know that the stress of always eating "right" was detracting from my QOL so now I eat well most of the time but don't deprive myself pleasures of food and the social connections of sharing meals. I wish you the best but don't let food and eating cause you stress

Bounce

Jojobird- thank you for expressing so eloquently what I too feel.

NotVeryBrave

I'm simply refusing to jump on the restrictive lifestyle bandwagon for life. I'm definitely an "everything (pretty much) in moderation" kind of person. It seems to me that for every report on something being great for you - there's another one saying it's not!

I just try to avoid things that are known to be bad for anyone. And I do try to eat a relatively healthy diet. And I know that I'm failing miserably on exercise!

In the end - what is life worth is there is no joy in it? How many people do everything "right" and still end up with a recurrence? I can't live my life that way. There's enough worry to this diagnosis to begin with.

exbrnxgrl

notverybrave,

Exactly and good for you

Myldy

I agree NotveryBrave!. The only thing I cut down on is my chocolate intake...because I hear everywhere that cancer loves sugar. I don't usually eat added sugar, but I do indulge when the craving hits otherwise I eat everything I can to try to satisfy the sugar crave. I am not going to deprive myself after 9 yrs of being cancer free. I was a junk food junky before cancer and now I eat better and need to work on the exercise but that's coming. Positive thinking no matter what!!!

Moderators

Beautifully written, jojobird. Thank you for being so candid about your feelings. We know you're not alone in your feelings, as you can already see. Hopefully our lovely members will help you find a comfortable balance in living life and enjoying it, too.

((((Big Hugs))))

--The Mods

Rosamond

Everything that I've read about cancer recurrence points to one thing being the MOST important: exercise. A healthy diet that reduces exposure to antioxidants and toxins most certainly would help, but the exercise is the one thing that seems to be a non-negotiable for the health of our body and mind. It is also a dementia preventative! Here's a recent article that highlights the most important factor being exercise and keeping the weight down.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/315970.ph...

For me, it's a struggle with menopause approaching and tamoxifen not cooperating, but I try to eat a mostly plant-based diet, organic, and limit sugar as much as possible. Less than 3 glasses of wine per week. But life is short, and cancer was a wake-up call for that realization! So, I enjoy meals and socializing and the occasional little uptick in my weight. The importance of keeping the BMI on the low side has to do with fat storing estrogen (and my tumor was well over 90% reactive to it). Also, my breast surgeon explained to me that breaking a sweat on a daily basis helps us to metabolize the estrogen in our systems.

For the longest time, I was afraid to veer off the strict "anti-cancer diet," but I now try and focus on that exercise part and just do my best to eat well for me and the planet.

All the best to all!

Tappermom383

That's a great article, Rosamund. I'm anxious to get back to my mat Pilates and strength training classes. I need to lose 20 pounds and worry about gaining weight through my treatment plan (which I don't have yet). Does anyone have suggestions as to an appropriate diet plan for a breast cancer patient? My surgeon has told me I'll be having radiation.

Thanks.

MJ

Jojobird

Thanks, all. I'm really not so curmudgeonly in real life, but, well....cancer.

I am actually headed on a plane trip with my tween this weekend, and am looking forward to some off-task chomping.

Love out, love this community. A giant unstressedchocolate kiss to you all.

ShetlandPony

Good writing, Jojo. There are going to be a lot of responses to your post, I think.

Have you considered that food-induced stress and unhappiness might be just as bad for you as that maple bar you are craving?

When I was diagnosed the first time, my friends said, "What, you?" Because I had a rep for clean living, good diet, etc. But when I thought about all the lifestyle factors that might possibly be involved with cancer, I realized that although my pre-diagnosis my diet had been pretty darn good, I had not been taking care of myself as far as exercise and stress. So I improved those things and all the other lifestyle factors I could, and made my good diet a near-perfect one. I lived in the house of Preventing Recurrence and Watch It, Watch It. Yet here I am again. Why? Because so much of cancer is not in our control.

Cancer is multi-factorial, You may have seen the recent article about research that attempts to quantify these factors. Because ' "DNA copying errors.... contribute to a large fraction of cancer, Vogelstein says that people with cancer who have avoided known risk factors should be comforted by their findings. "It's not your fault," says Vogelstein. "Nothing you did or didn't do was responsible for your illness." ' This is not to say that we shouldn't do what we can. At the very least, healthy food and other lifestyle things ought to help us withstand treatment and may indeed help prevent recurrence or prolong our lives. It's just that we have to accept one of the hardest truths about cancer: Much of it is not in our control.

Therefore, free yourself from the tyranny of trying to be perfect. Perfection is not sustainable. And stress and unhappiness are not good for us. It is easy to focus on food because that is within our grasp, and for some of us, it is easier to focus on food than to go out and exercise or take time to de-stress through mind-body approaches (e.g. yoga, meditation). Even more importantly, it is easier to maintain a strict diet than to admit that with cancer we have encountered a problem we can't solve even with great effort, determination, intelligence, and self-discipline. I grew up believing I could solve any problem I put my mind to. Letting go of that belief gets me closer to peace and serenity. Yes, I do every health-promoting thing I can, but I do them living in the house of Enjoy Life.

My own approach to food is to follow the best possible diet -- 90% of the time. I loosen up if I am going to eat at a restaurant or friend's house. Or if I just want to enjoy something, like the ice cream bar I got this week after my monthly blood draw, doctor appointment, and Faslodex shots. I had earned that little reward. DH and I thoroughly enjoyed our ice creams while walking across the hospital campus on a lovely day. One of my doctors shared how after his heart attack, he missed food so much, that he decided to toe the line six days a week, and eat what he wanted on the seventh day. That works for him. Well-being encompasses more than just food.

Lol on the cruciferae. If the station wagon loaded with broccoli and kale goes off the cliff, maybe you would like to try pho (the Vietnamese soup) loaded with bok choy, grilled portobello mushrooms on watercress salad, a turkey burger with huge handfuls of arugula on it (sweet potato fries on the side), or roasted cauliflower with kalamata olives. Or if you don't feel like cooking, go to the whole foods store and get some ready-made cole-slaw and frozen side dishes and dinners that contain cruciferae prepared in an interesting way. Or not! Take a break from those veggies if they are tormenting you.

Sending hugs and thanks for your great post, Jojobird.

CanadianMichele22

Well I hear your rant. I did everything you are doing for 19.5 years. Just was diagnosed with metastatic recurrence.

RELAX AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. EAT ICE CREAM DRINK MOJITOS

AIN'T NO GUARANTEES

Your sister

Michele

Moderators

Hi again all! This is definitely an important and valuable point of view and one we are sure many of our members can relate to. Would you be comfortable if we scan this thread and future posts on this thread for any quotes we can use in an upcoming blog?

We'd really appreciate it!

--The Mods

Jojobird

Moderators, ok by me.

BellasMomToo

I ate a balanced diet with occasional treats. I exercised regularly (ran 13 miles a week and walked 6 miles a week) for many years. Yet I got BC at age 56.

My mother-in-law is 87 years old. She has been overweight all her life. She never exercised. She eats mostly junk food and deep-fried food. Hates vegetables and refuses to eat anything she doesn't like, i.e, anything healthy. Yet, (FORTUNATELY) she is healthy!

I will continue with my balanced diet with the occasional treats. I will resume my exercise program once my BS gives me the go ahead. I will live my life and hope I don't have a recurrence. Life just isn't fair, but it's the only one I have.

BarredOwl

Me too.

NotVeryBrave

Yep!

Falconer

Jojo,
Your writing is so good I can taste it. I'm with you on the pancakes and the jaw loosening hip loosening body loosening fun night of drinking- especially out with my DH-

Before BC I was healthy with a BMI of 18 an organic veggie garden w plenty of kale (I like it I do) no refined sugar and exercise- I'm a yoga teacher and distance runner.

Roll the dice and know that 1 in 8 women will be with us.

What I miss now, to borrow language from your writing, is sex when the kids are not home- that panty dripping soul satisfying zesty session- I can almost remember how it felt- Before it got numbed, cut off, removed, muted by BC treatment.

Don't let BC make you believe you're a sinner because you enjoy food, sex, alcohol, and most importantly, life.

Jojobird

Omg Falconer that is it.

We are not sinners because we enjoy life. We are not sinners because we eat sugar and drink and live.

That is my new prayer, Falconer. Thank you.

Jojobird

And for the record, my daughter and I had virgin pina coladas last night, with whipped cream, and I ate two huge shrimp tacos and some Swedish fish for dessert. Can you tell it's spring break? I am watching her in the ocean waters. We are somewhere warm, gorging on life, and not sinning, not sinning. Love out.

MinusTwo

Jobird - love your essay.

I was at the absolute pinnacle of health when BC decided it was my turn. So yes, I've started exercising again because I feel better, but not as much as I was. And I firmly believe in only one food & drink rule - MODERATION. That means I can eat anything, just not too much or too often. So no chocolate cake every day, but if I don't eat lots of other desserts during the week, I can have a piece on the weekend. Salads 3-4 days a week, but the other days I can relax. One glass of wine w/dinner, but not more.

I've already had my recurrence - and the food I ate was not the culprit. I agree with those who said we have all have faced mortality. I want to live, but I want to enjoy my life or it's not worth it. So moderation is my watchword. (p.s. - except for my danger zone, bread) (p.s.s. - I actually love brussels sprouts)

Jojobird

oh, Minus, whatever is lost add twice to your post. Loved it.

And I love that you love Brussels sprouts!

Claire_in_Seattle

Jojobird!

First of all, I look to the lady who exemplified good eating and lived to a venerable age, despite having had breast cancer. Yes, I'm referring to Julia Child who never missed a good sauce or good tipple. I am personally unable to live without butter, cream, and a host of other tasty items. I use them to enhance the more sensible things I eat regularly.

Case in point. I may not survive the swoon-worthy aroma from the chicken I am poaching for tomorrow's soup. I have a potato in the oven and will roast asparagus. I have a roasted yam ready to go. I will be having Chris' Beer Brats (from my Methow Valley ski trip) as my main course for tonight. I ate chocolate and some chips earlier as didn't quite plan lunch and had a meeting. However, think I am just fine nutrition-wise.

I did a 5k run earlier and brought in my skis, putting them away for the season. From everything I read, the big one is exercise.

I will quote the best line in the play and book Auntie Mame: Life is a banquet, and most poor bastards are starving themselves!

I am pulling up a chair, and yes, I will make sure I feast tonight.

Good luck, and yes, I have discovered there are limits to the amount of kale I can consume. Bon appetit! - Claire

ChiSandy

Jojobird, your sig line says you’re triple-neg. Alcohol is considered a problem with ER+ bc because it supposedly interferes with the liver’s ability to process estrogen and remove it from the bloodstream and out to be excreted. (Of course, it also probably impairs the liver’s ability to make aromatase, so that’s the flip side). Have a real mojito!

MinusTwo

Claire - love the Auntie Mame quote.

As a side note, I NEVER gave up butter. In fact, sometimes I eat bread with my butter. I'm pleased and vindicated to see that butter is back & margarine is out. Sometimes I use 1/2 olive oil in my cooking now, but butter will always be my friend.

Janett2014

ShetlandPony wrote:

"My own approach to food is to follow the best possible diet -- 90% of the time. I loosen up if I am going to eat at a restaurant or friend's house."

I love this philosophy, and I think that's pretty much what I do. Well realistically my percentage might be closer to 80% than 90%!

Life is just too short to be "good" all the time when it comes to food. 🍔🥗

Daisy16

Minus Two , I also was super healthy at diagnosis ( at 47 ) worked out vigorously 4 times a week and had a super healthy diet . Who knows why we get this awful illness . For us her 2 ladies olive oil has been said to stop the her2 growth . I'm sure you have read this too. Xx

labelle

I too, miss my casual relationship with food, although I began following a Paleo diet several months prior to being diagnosed with BC. While I miss certain foods (cheese) what I really miss the most is being able to toss easy to prepare junk into my grocery cart. There's a lot of cooking from scratch with a Paleo diet. And I miss not worrying or thinking about whether or not a food is healthy and free from artificial anything, only whether it's tasty.

On the other hand, I don't miss my former ever expanding waistline-wearing size 6 again is nice-and I'm pretty sure if I'd continued my previous mindless eating habits I would be a bit of a blimp by now. My aging metabolism was definitely starting to show, but yeah...................the good old days!

gb2115

I used to be so worried about my weight and what foods I ate. I, like previous posters, ate so well that it makes you think how did this happen? I did everything "right," eating right and exercising daily without fail. I think it's a lesson in there being no guarantees in life. For me, if anything, I'm actually way less strict with my diet now. In fact, I did some emotional starburst eating this weekend (pink and lemon only of course), and that's ok. If there's no way to know what caused the cancer, there's really no way to know how to prevent it. I don't know.

Scout7

I miss the old happy go lucky me. The not tired able to run a 10k and fit in to my favorite clothes. BC and 20lbs later I am beginning to get a grip on food. eat plant based and non GMO, no hormone fish. I vow to start running again. Anyone have any favorite healthy foods they snack on?

candles1

I just came across this thread and I'm happy to bump it up. I so hear you jojobird! You expressed so well what so many of us are thinking about and going through - regardless of the stage of our diagnosis. It's such a universal experience.

You all have inspired me to kick my OCD "recurrence prevention diet" to the curb. I'm gonna loosen the belt a little. Life is too short.