How did you tell your children about your cancer?

Anonymous

How did you tell your children about your cancer?

Brneyegrl6608

Looking for advice. I recently found out I have TN IDC grade II in my left breast. I have four daughters (20, 14, 13, 10). I have a MRI on Monday that should give me a better idea of what the treatment plan will be (surgery first or chemo) and a better idea of the stage. My initial thoughts are to tell my oldest first, separate from the other girls. My 10 y/o is going on a class camping trip Tuesday and will be back Thursday. I thought I would tell the two middle ones Wednesday when I have a clearer picture and the 10 year old when she gets back. Maybe separating them would make it less overwhelming? Thoughts? Advice

Nel138281

MY children were 12 (daughter) and 17 (son)   I told them together and had my ex husband there as well   I wanted them to both hear the same thing at the same time and I wanted to know their dad was aware.  I put it off until I have a treatment plan in place and until they could both be home at the same time. My son was in boarding school in NH.  That was a long few weeks, knowing and acting like all was OK. I also did not tell them my DX, inflammatory breast cancer, or stage 3B.  They were both old enough to google and the stats were horrible.   I just wanted them to know I had BC, had a treatment plan and what that would be and how it might impact us all.    That we were going to move forward and keep all as typical as possible.    That is what my son remembers - that we kept everything moving forward, I had good days and not so good days, but we kept moving forward.  

You know your kids and how best to do this. You will know what is right for your family.

5.5 years later I am here, continuing to do well with a spread, so stage 4.  My kids are aware, but it is not the focus of our lives. They know the days I go for treatment, the days I am fatigued.  They have been for the most part with a few bumps in the road, able to move forward in their lives. Those bumps may have been their with or without my cancer DX. 

Be well

Nel

Brneyegrl6608

Thank you very much for your response. I'm still trying to get use to saying the word "cancer" out loud and thinking about having these conversations with my children, family, friends, etc is a little overwhelming. I'm a big list person so figuring out how to let people know is on my to-do list after the MRI

runnergirl26

I would agree you know your family best and the age of your children also impacts ones decisions. There is no one right or wrong way. Hang in there.

LisaAlissa

I don't have children, but my cancer center had a patient library that had lots of resources for parents discussing cancer with their children in age-appropriate ways. Including both books for the parent and books for children of various ages.

In addition, one of the friends I went through treatment with said that her nurse navigator referred her to a family-life specialist/social worker who was a good resource (in addition to the library) in planning how she was going to tell her children.

Best wishes!

LisaAlissa

molliefish

be careful on the iPad and pc. My 13 yo daughter found out accidentally after hitting on a web search I had done. Ironically I had searched 'how to tell your 13 year old you have breast cancer'. Not the way I wanted that conversation to start.

LilacBlue

I was in the same position in having to tell our then 13 year old son. This is what is available to women in the UK by Breast Cancer Care: https://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/talking-children-about-breast-cancer What I did do was sit him down and told him that breast cancer was extremely responsive to treatment and there was no reason for him to assume anything other than recovery (which I fully have had). And that's the truth. He was totally cool with it, yet the most disturbing thought for him was the loss of my long, over-processed hightlighted hair. I assured him that if that happened hair grows back and I'd get a wig as close to what I had. With having a mx, I did not require chemo, so that worry of his did not come to fruition. I also notified the secondary school (middle and high school combined) my son attends, and they have pastoral care in place, that liaised with all his teachers, keeping an eye on his grades and regular support/guidance talks with the school counselor when I was in active treatment. I know it's different with having to tell a daughter, particularly with projection, their own fears of it happening to them. Life is strange and a year and half after my own bc diagnosis, my husband was diagnosed with stage 2 throat cancer. Our son was 15 when told of that and he rose to the occasion beautifully - very positive his father would have full recovery (now three years into remission). My best gentle thoughts to you and your family in navigating through this difficult time of life.

bevin

hi there, I was in a different position. I didn't need chemo, so only a lumpectomy and radiation. My daughter was only 8 when I was diagnosed. I'm a big believer that children do not need adult problems and worry ; so I elected not to tell her. When she is old enough and an adult, I'll tell her.  I spoke w a therapist at Roswell before making the decision to see how to tell and what to tell and they advise IF you decide to say anything it should be age appropriate information.  If you haven't already sought guidance from your centers sociologist or psychologist I am sure they can help you find the right words . good luck. I am almost 7 years out , doing well and feel my not telling was the best decision for me.

Brneyegrl6608

Thank you for all of the responses. Lilac I looked at the link you provided - thank you very much. I will go to the cancer center Monday after my MRI (since it's in the same building) and get some pamphlets and talk to my nurse navigator to find a counselor to get advice as well. I also feel they don't need to know every detail but I want them prepared for the chemo and loss of hair and thatI will have surgery. Thanks again

edwards750

There is no easy way to tell them but I totally agree it should be age appropriate. My youngest son was living at home when I was DX in 2011. I kept my game face on but of course he was still scared.

Fast forwarding to now I am 6 years out in August. My oncologist took me off Tamoxifen and while there are no guarantees she does believe the chances of a recurrence do diminish after 5 years so I'm curious BosumBlues why you are so pessimistic about the 5 year milestone.

I had IDC, Stage 1b, Grade 1 BC. I had a lumpectomy and 33 radiation treatments. I took Arimidex for the first year and then my MO switched me to Tamoxifen. My Oncotype score was 11. I feel pretty good about my chances.

Diane

NotVeryBrave

My children were 15, 13, and 10 when I learned I had cancer. My husband and I told them at the table after dinner one night. It was after we had met with the BS to go over the biopsy results that same day. I had told both of my parents by phone earlier that day.

It's a hard conversation. But I knew my kids would sense something was going on and didn't want them to be feeling stressed about an unknown situation. I would say that they all were kind of shocked and worried, of course. We tried to be as positive as possible, however.

The good thing is that lots of kids don't have the same cancer "back story" that we have. They are generally much more hopeful. I've tried to be pretty matter of fact about stuff with them without scaring them.

I did contact the guidance counselors at each school. They were able to tell all the teachers for me which kept me from having to rehash things. And they've been able to keep an eye (from afar) on them. My kids know that they can talk to them if they want to, but it's not necessary.

You ultimately know your own children best. It will go better than you think. You're all in it together!