70yr old mother refused to see MD for years, now breast cancer?

MTwoman

ShariP, the sensations that you describe (feet on fire) sounds very similar to neuropathy, which is nerve pain and can be very unpleasant. It is also a side effect that should be reported, see this link:

http://www.rxlist.com/fragmin-side-effects-drug-center.htm

So very sorry you are continuing to struggle with your Mother's choices and their consequences. It is so hard to watch people we love making self-destructive choices. Have you thought of getting some support for yourself? (like a therapist) Having someone you can talk to about your own feelings regarding your mother and her choices may be of some use to you.

Big gentle ((hugs))

MinusTwo

Sheri - does you step father have her health care Power of Attorney? Do you? Most hospitals will not do surgery w/o that on file. It seems to me it's way past the point of just sitting by or talking about it. I understand she's resistant, but maybe some mood elevators? It may come to the point that you have to take the health care decisions away from her, or watch her go down hill. I don't remember you mentioning her age. Perhaps you can get her in a rehab place for awhile to get things turned around?

MinusTwo

BTW - found the age. I'm just over 70. I had a mastectomy & two years later a recurrence. I did chemo, more surgery, more chemo, rads, herceptin for a year. I'm fine right now (or NED as we say - no evidence of disease). But it's unlikely I'll go into heavy treatment if I have another recurrence. Maybe you should talk to her about hospice since it's likely she's made a decision to die.

Kicks

It is very hard to deal with parents who will not allow us to give support to them and to get them to seek/do what is logically called for.

It is so hard for us as their daughter to have to watch their decline and not be able to do anything about it. They are adults and have the right to live (or not live) as they choose - just as we have to make our own decisions. That is, of course, unless the person has been ajudged incompetent and have a Court Appointed Guardian.

I went through a similar situation with my Mom as far as having to watch her slowly kill herself. No, she didn't have BC (or any cancer) and she did see MANY Drs. She was a long term Aneortic and legal/prescription drug abuser - high functioning abuser and there were basically none who suspected. Basically, it was her self starvation along with the drug abuse that there was nothing any of us could do anything about. Daddy and I did try, but every time we could get one of her Drs to start listening to us - she'd change Drs. It was her choice to do/live as she did. What makes me the 'maddest' (can't think of a better word at this minute) is not that she made her choices but what her choices did to Daddy and even my Husband (we'd been married 3 1/2 yrs when she passed at 57).

When I was DXd IBC, basically Hubby said - you'll beat it. Unfortunately, on neoadjuvant A/C, I lost all appetite - just never thought about eating. That threw him back to remembering Mom. He called me several times a day to remind me to eat something - it wasn't the cancer that scared him - it was what he had seen of what not eating does. Almost 8 yrs later, he still worries about me possibly not eating more than a possible re-occurence or mets. Those can be fought a lot easier than aneorixia.

I know what I dealt with with Mom is not the same as you are with your Mom. Just thought it might give you something to think about - she will do what she wants to or not do what she doesn't want to. As hard as it is, you can not change that either way but accept her choices

Do not 'blame' yourself for her choices - they are hers and hers alone. Be there for her and do what you can to cherish every minute you are granted with her.

Talk with the BC Nurse Navigator at her Facility to see if there isn't a Therapist/Counselor that you can talk to. Take care of yourself (and yours).

Bye-the-bye - I'm 70 (71 later this month), was 63 when DXd. IF, 'something' should come up again - I'm ready for the fight again. Still plan on living actively til at least 96.

Thoughts and prayers for all of you.

ShariP

Thank you all for comments and suggestions, and most of all, your support. This has been my 'therapy', this board, and interacting with you, so thank you.

My mother has stopped all medication for her DVT and has refused all future treatment for her cancer. She says she will do this without 'chemicals' and therefore has gone back to taking 20, 30, 40 supplements a day (she has an entire kitchen cupboard, 3 shelves-worth, just for her bottles of vitamin and mineral supplements, plus there is overflow in the bathroom) plus a series of homeopathic remedies. She also had the IVC filter removed from her groin yesterday, so there is no longer a filter to prevent a potential embolism should a part of a clot break off and start to migrate towards the heart/lungs. We cannot use power of attorney to place her in a hospice or anything, because we cannot prove that she is mentally incompetent. She is still able to carry out daily tasks and take care of herself , like feeding herself, dressing herself, personal hygiene, etc. She has always had an addictive personality, in her younger years it was to pain killers and anti-depressants, for the past 25 years it has been 'natural remedies' that come in capsule, tablet or liquid form. Oh, and she is a heavy drinker too, and yes, she does drink while taking these supplements. So, she is on a self-destructive path and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is hope, and pray that the good Lord will keep from killing herself, and try to enjoy what time we have left with her.

MTwoman

Shari, there's not much I can say to provide comfort to you. She is making her own decisions, and clearly wants to live and/or die on her own terms using the methods that fit with her current value system. While her decisions don't reflect what you or I would do, and are quite frankly distressing, I do support her right to live the remainder of her years on her own terms. I am sending you warm ((hugs)) and hoping that you and she have many good years ahead.

wrenn

I agree that she is in charge of her own health whether you agree with her or not. i am glad you come here for support. It has to be very hard for you to watch her. Accepting that these are her choices and ignoring the details might make it easier. She might actually live longer with the strength she gets from feeling in control.

Hang in there

Kicks

Your Mom is doing (and has for years) what she wants to. That is her choice for the good or bad. She has made her decisions as she has the right to.

Seek help for yourself to accept (and understand) her choices. You mentioned "the good Lord" - perhaps seeking counsel from your/her Church may help you.

She has made her decisions - it is up to you (rather or not you agree with HER decisions) to help her 'enjoy' the time she (AND YOU) has.

Pallas

Hello there! You sound like a wonderful and loving daughter.

Your Mother's situation sounds similar to my own in many ways.

I was dx March 2016 with a 2.3 centimeter cancer in right breast. They reccomended lumpectomy & I agreed to it until I was told that lump was too big and I must have chemo first to shrink it. - after watching video detailing the effects of the 3 chemo drugs I was prescribed, plus learning that this barbaric nightmare Tx only gave me a 2-3% chance to live any longer than doing nothing. I declined the treatment. I read, researched, talked to many people on both sides of fence taking natural vs. Conventional tx's.

Your Mom sounds like she trusted an incompetent naturopath. There are many who could have helped her. There are several Naturo clinics who could still help her. My choice would have been Connor Clinic in Lake Elmo Minnesota- "IF" I could afford it at this point.

IN July 2016 I had a pet scan to see if cancer had spread to hip because I had severe pain and problems walking due to being rear ended while sitting at a red light. Results- the Cancer had not spread, and was no bigger - she was referring me back to previous clinic for treatment. I never called or went back.

During initial biopsy they told me they had attatched a metal clip to tumor to keep track of it???

I am allergic to most metals. I was unable to have hip replacement for injured right hip due to sensitivity and allergic reaction to the various metal parts necessary.

I found a great naturopath/ accupuncturist/ Oncologist. I could afford only 1 visit, as he takes no insurance.

I will be praying for your Mom, I do understand her motivations and her fears! If your family has the financial resources she could still have a free phone consultation from Dr Connor's clinic - or other's like it, and still be helped. It wouldn't hurt to talk to them. YOUR MOTHER COULD BE RIGHT- she just chose the wrong source for her natural care.

I was told by Dr at first clinic that I would be dead in 6 months (by Nov of 2016) without chemo.

I feel that my life has been over since my accident of August 2015, because of the escalating crippling hip damage and pain. The time I've had left has been so dismal. With natural tx on my own, the cancer didn't actually grow or even hurt until 9 months ago. I now have large fungated lump outside same breast. I Don't know my exact status. But I strongly suspect my status is precarious.

It is difficult to get help if you opt for natural care. One Onco surgeon refused to see me because I refused a Mamogram - my breast is engorged, inflamed, and a Mamo would be excruciating. I can barely stand to wear a bra or the pads to absorb drainage Im having now.

I will follow your Mom's progress here. praying all the time for divine intervention for the both of us.

I must add this note. Both my former sister in law & her husband were dx with cancer within months of my dx. They chose conventional tx. They have suffered badly. Dotty has heart damage from chemo along with many other physical complications. At one point a priest was called for last rites, but she made it. Her husband began with prostate cancer- had radiation, then chemo. In remission for months then it returned- he then had bone marrow replacements - it didn't work - more chemo until he could not get out of bed. Their health and finances and their lives are destroyed. In the last 2 yrs. One of them has been hospitalized at least once per month. A few times both were hospitalized at the same time.

I have not been hospitalized at all. Bottom line we're all in terrible shape. Their conventional care had totalled more than a million dollars. My care has been minimal and my natural care has been 100% out of pocket, devastating my own finances and my life.

Natural care costs a fraction of conventional care- I wonder why Insurance will not cover a dime for this- but will pay 6- 7 figures for chemo & conventional tx. ???FACT- CHEMO has maintained a steady 2 - 3 % cure rate for the last 50 yrs. FACT- people who do no treatment live a bit longer than people who do chemo, and seemingly suffer much less physical damage.

May God be with your Mother and your family.

maryds

Hey, I am in the same boat. My mother had never seen a doctor for decades. She was a struggling single mother, and she worried about the financial cost of seeing a doctor.

I started working just two years ago and our situation improved. I was able to take her to a doctor two months ago, and they found two lumps in her left breast, and one growing lump under her armpit.

She had a very hard life, and now this. It's a very difficult time for our family.

I pray to God that we'll get through it, and so will your family. Hang in there.

Salamandra

I didn't understand a lot of the choices my mother me when she was dealing with Stage IV. I was just a bit too young (late teens) to have any perspective. I did see a therapist for a while. All these years later, I still remember one thing she told me (though not the exact words).

She said that usually people don't change because they are dying. Whoever they were before the illness, that's who they are during too. Sometimes even more so, because of the stress and the fear.

My mom was being who she was, already when she procrastinated getting a lump she had found checked by the doctor, and all the way through to when she died at age 54. She couldn't be anyone else, not even with all her strength and fierce love for us.

I sometimes have flashes of the 'if only-s'. I try to remind myself that it is beyond human knowing.

Over the last sixteen or so years, I was responsible for my co-mother as she wasted away from a cruel variant of dementia. One thing I had to do (for me) was really indoctrinate myself that no matter how sad or infuriating the present moment was, it was basically guaranteed to be better than all the following moments, and I should love her and be with her and enjoy our time together as best I could. It turned out that for me this retired suppressing most of my memories of her and our relationship from before she got sick. They are starting to come back now since she died last spring, and it is definitely both bitter and sweet.

These two parts go together.

In a way, it was easier with her than with my biological mother or your mother. Because of the nature of her illness, it was crystal clear that there was nothing either she nor I could do but love each other and endure, even though it took some doing for that actual fact to feel true.

In retrospect though, I think about my mom differently too, and suggest it to you for your mother of it seems potentially helpful. They cannot stop being who they are any more than my co-mother could stop the dementia by force of mind/will/persuasion. You certainly cannot stop them.

Yet mom must have plenty of wonderful qualities to have raised you and your sister to still be loving and close, to still have her ex willing to be there at the hospital for her, to have a new partner who loves her and tries to take care of her. Try to appreciate her for those qualities, love her, and enjoy your time with her as much as you can. Remember that a person's strengths and weaknesses tend to be two sides of the same coin. Do your best to treat her choices like the weather - an intractable fact. You can't change it, complaining tends to make it feel even worse, but you can change how you respond to it.

Hoping you and she are both doing all right.

Kkmay

Hi

My mother has refused to go to any MD doctor for years because she has an exterme fear of doctors, nevertheless, she encourages us to see a doctor when we (her kids) get the sightest flu. Recently, she was diagnosed with a huge tumor in her left breast. She prosocinated going to the doctor until I forced her to. Sometimes I blame myself for not forcing her earlier, but I cannot change the past. I do my best now so she can get the best treatment. I worry a lot, but I also pray a lot for her.