Emotionally supporting one with a less serious illness.

singlemom1

I find myself struggling with how to support others emotionally with less serious medical concerns and am wondering how others feel about this.I find myself feeling resentful and feel bad about having this reaction. I have no problem offering concrete support such as encouraging one to see a doctor, driving them to appointments, bringing over a meal, or following up and checking in on how they are doing. It is when I sense or "feel" like they want me to emotionally support or help them with their feelings on it. I think to be honest, I am jealous. I want to scream at them that I would do anything to have their medical problem over mine and how could they possibly look to me for emotional support on this. I have no problem supporting others emotionally on any otherproblem they may be having. Does anyone else have similiar feelings?

Lynnwood1960

Absolutely! I'm a nurse and to be perfectly honest, some times I feel like screaming " I'm sicker then you and you don't even know it"! When people complain about their various aches and pains it drives me crazy. If it's a coworker, I just say " I'm really not the one to say this to". I'm better with this when its a friend, I'm blessed that my friends completely get it. I saw 2 of my friends through their Cancer treatments last year, went to appointments, tests, chemo with them. Sadly they both passed, one from lung cancer and one from ovarian cancer. I had tons of patience with them, I guess because through them I could see my future. Thanks for your honesty in bringing this up.

Sadiesservant

Oh my. Thank you for putting into words what I am feeling. I know part of the problem is that I am still coming to grips with my diagnosis but I find I have little patience for this and come across as cold and uncaring. What makes matters worse is that my mother, who will be 86 in a couple of weeks, is the biggest culprit. She complains constantly about her aches, her pains, her bladder, etc. You get the picture. I know done of this is age related but I am finding it hard to be the good daughter and am getting a bit snappy with her. I think I need therapy...

singlemom1

Lynnwood, I am so very sorry about your friends passing. That must of been very difficult for you. It sounds like you were right by their side and I am sure that provided them with a great deal of comfort. Please accept my deepest condolences

Regarding the resentment, it is nice to know I am not the only one!! I imagine it could be very difficult being a nurse! I like that statement " I really am not the one to say this to". However, I know it will be difficult for me and I will start to feel guilty. I am just going to have to get over that feeling! I have a mixed bag with my friends. Some totally get it and others not so much or just don't think.......... it is weird sometimes I swear it seems like they feel "entitled" or "expect" to receive emotional support from me about minor health issues as they "have had to listen and support me with my health issues."

wintersocks

yes, I have this too. with friends, but mostly with 1 of my bosses who is always complaining that she is 'ill'. Last seen with a wheat bag on her neck and didn't everyone know about it! Meanwhile I was in work less than a week after an uplift and reduction and fat transfer.

It;s very hard to understand why they do this in front of me. I have had cellulitis needing IV anti biotics in hospital. UTI that I got seriously ill with (hospital for 7 days) and numerous other health problems, oh and cancer!

I actually have people tell me how awful life is with a cold!

What to do?

singlemom1

Sadie- I don't blame you, it is hard to be the "good daughter" under those curcumstances!! Though it may be age related, i am sure that it is very difficult coming from your mom.No matter how old we are, we still want our moms to care and nuture us. My mother's friend (80 years old)has sighed to me on 3 different occasions over the past 6 months that " it is not easy getting old". She usually says it after telling me her health problems. The first two times, i just responded with empathy but by the third time it took some restraint not to tell her that I only hope and pray that I can grow old and watch my daughter grow up, get married and meet my grandchildren.

artistatheart

yes for sure singlemom! I admire your restraint! I get the same at work. People who know my situation and still come up moaning about getting their toenail removed or something. Sometimes I hardly even realize I am looking at them like they are aliens....

singlemom1

I wonder if these people are trying to relate in their own way...........kinda like saying we have concerns over are health also??? I don't know, but it sure feels insensitive.

Kessala

I'm very private with my health. I don't make small talk with other patients in the waiting room. I don't want to hear their medical histories any more than I want to tell them about mine.

Obviously we're all at the clinic because of cancer. No one just stops by to rest and read magazines in the Cancer Clinic Outpatient Facility just for fun!

I've been Stage IV for eleven years. My recent PET scan shows progression to my liver, my treatment has to be changed and Oncologist also ordered an MRI of my brain.

Hubby and I arrive at the Imaging Department for my MRI. A man riding a motorized scooter was right behind us. Hubby settled himself in the waiting room with coffee and sat near one of the magazine racks. I go back for my brain MRI.

I return after my scan to see scooter man had planted himself next to Hubby and I have no doubt he talked on and on about his problems. Hubby is way too much of a peacemaker to hurt the man's feelings and change the subject.

Hubby and I left the Imaging Department and walked down a long hall towards the exit when he says, "That poor man. He's been through so much!" All I said to Hubby was, "Is he dying?" Hubby immediately realized what he'd said to me. Scooter man might have multiple problems but he's NOT DYING.

Don't look to me for sympathy.

Kessala

ShetlandPony

I copied this from a post by our late friend longtermsurvivor (Stephanie):

...the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out. http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Somehow a lot of otherwise courteous people missed learning this rule. Basically, you are not to complain to people, or expect support from people, who are worse off than you are.

jackboo09

Hi everyone

I am also very private with my health which of course is exceptionally difficult with this disease. Everyone at work knows ai an off with a blood clot. One colleague had mentioned it to her tennis friend who had then messaged my husband to pass on best wishes. So now it will be all over the club- my husband and step son play on average once a week. It's highly likely that I'm about to start stage 4 cancer treatment so no doubt that will come out next.

I sound very mean but people treat you differently when you are ill and I feel resentful about that. I could only ever vent this on this forum- nobody else understands.

DivineMrsM

I had trouble listening to others complain about minor issues the first couple years after I was diagnosed. I learned to set boundaries for myself.

One thing I did was try to avoid those who wanted too much sympathy for the little aches and pains.

And another thing. I simply listened without getting all overly emotional about it. I am not required to "oh!" and "my goodness!" In reply to someone's medical issues. Because of my personal experience with disease, I could approach the conversations with a matter-of-fact approach. I don't have to be all touchy feely, let me commiserate with you. Then if these people want a more emotional response, they learn to go elsewhere. That is fine by me.

When I was dx, I didn't want the overly emotional responses anyway. They caused me anxiety. My family was terrible, they were all basket cases. The one person I could rely on to be calm but listen was my boss at the time, a middle aged woman. It isn't that I was even really friends or close with her. But she didn't wring her hands, offer advice or weep. She just accepted what I told her and nodded, and I found this incredibly helpful in the midst of turmoil, mine and everyone else's.

DivineMrsM

Another thing to keep in mind. Women tend to minimize what they are going thru. Don't do that to yourself. If someone else's medical troubles seem pale in comparison to yours, don't be fake and act like you have to gush all over them to make them somehow feel better. Do you ever see men do that to each other? Try to avoid falling into the roles that society thinks women should play. We do not have to be a universal caregiver to everyone. Think outside the box. Get rid of the guilt. Figure out some responses ahead of time so you are not trapped into hearing another's whole minor medical ordeals. Learn how to steer conversation into a different direction. If some old lady talks about aches and pains, I would say something like, "and yet you still manage to get around so good." Or "you look pretty good despite what you are dealing with."

I think one of my sisters was even a bit jealous that what I was dealing with gave me a certain amount of attention. (Ridiculous, but some people are like that). She joked for awhile that she wished she had a condition to doctor with so she could take some time off work. It was hard to take. Then she ended up getting some cardiovascular tests, which she went on and on about, and which revealed nothing. When the bills started sifting in for all the different procedures and doctors and whatnot, she began to realize it wasn't such a picnic, all those copays. She no longer jokes about wanting some kind of medcal problem.

cliff

I have a ham radio license, I go to charity bike rides, not to ride, but to help as a volunteer. for many years, I drove my pickup around the bike route watching for hurt, damaged, flat tires, and just plain tired riders. At a ride 4 years ago, . at supper after the ride, one of the riders make a snide remark about how I was tired and he had been riding. it is a bit difficult to not get huffy and explain that I hade just gotten out of the hospital with congestive heart failure. on the way home from a ride last year, it struck me as ironic that I was helping with a MS100 ride, for a potentially deadly disease, and I have 4 myself.

singlemom1

Great points Divine- very helpful!

Thank you for reposting Stephanie's post Shetland!

I agree, don't feel there is any other place for people to really get this but here. Glad to have a place to go with these feelings and thoughts.