I see the way this is going to go now

GrammaSue

I probably should never have even thought my husband would change when I got my diagnosis. I've had my first chemo with the next one coming up soon. So today while I'm trying to get my head to stop spinning and looking for a distraction from the symptoms that have been bugging me most, my husband says "I'll take care of my own dinner. You can take care of yours". He has never seen past his own needs and wants. Why should he change now. I can see I'm going to be on my own through this storm. My feelings are hurt but it does me no good to get emotional over it because NOTHING will change. I'm trapped inside this disease and there is no way out that doesn't involve just simply dropping dead.

Sorry to everyone. I just had to let this out. 

Artista928

Surround yourself with people who care, friends family.. Screw him. You need to think of yourself first, and if you need help, get it from those who care. What an ass. Sorry to hear.

ksusan

Perhaps you should "take care of yours" in Paris. Or a 4-star restaurant at a resort.

Scwilly

I'm reminded of my hubbies reaction when I and our youngest son was stricken with a very severe sickness bug. He looked at me from the other side of the room and said - 'should J (our eldest) and I go and stay with my Mum (i.e. to be taken care of and out of harm of infection )! 'WTF - no thought of what he could do to feed, comfort, soothe or otherwidse take care of B and I. I was furious and told him so and that in no uncertain term he was going to stay put and take care of us. I think he was just trying to be practical (he's an engineer) to avoid them getting what we had and had no thought of what B and I might need. They remained unscathed and B & I got some substinance! I still bring this up from time to time, even in the company of others, as it was quite rediculous reaction. He's tried his best during my cancer journey, and I do genuinely believe he's started to understand that the first reaction might need to be emotional and not practical.

One similar funny story is my son Jon told me once when he was around 10, 'You know Mum, when I'm home ill from school I actually feel better when Dads home from work and not you, as he ignores me but you comfort me and that reminds me I feel unwell' he did admit though he also liked the comfort. Jon's very honest and I love that he could tell me this. We still laugh about this as a family. I don't know any more than what you have told us about your situation. I just wanted to let you know how much I understand how you feel about your DH reaction. I would advise to be brutally honest back how you feel and how it's your time to be looked after.

I've learnt over the years married to A. I can't take the engineer (he's a a supercomputer electronics type) out of the man It's real useful sometimes and can save a fortune when he applies his skills at home, but I can sure call him out for it and demand some TLC if needed.

Best wishes and a speedy recovery through your treatment. This is the place to rant!

Sarah

Meow13

You are so right things never change. It is odd how we continue to hold out hope things will be different. I never gave up on my father until his dying day. I kept thinking he will come around never did.

I wish I had something helpful to say, other than I understand the disease and the frustration. Maybe a little vacation somewhere really nice.

Freya244117

I'm so sorry Sue. When we are going about our normal daily lives, these things are easy to excuse or overlook. In times of need is when it comes into sharp focus. If you can tell him, step by step if necessary, exactly what help you need, he then doesn't have the excuse of not knowing. Honestly, some people are just clueless, not an excuse for him, but just a fact in some cases.

If he still doesn't step up, then he is an ass. In that case you need to make some plans to put your needs first. That might mean buying pre-prepared meals, making some to freeze when you are feeling ok, or asking friends or family to supply them. Organising someone to take you to chemo and drive you home etc. Work out what you need and plan around him not helping. Let him fend for himself.

His attitude must be so upsetting and disappointing for you, is there anyone you can talk to, a counsellor perhaps. Hugs and best wishes.

susan_02143

There is nothing more lonely than being with someone who doesn't seem to care how you are doing and does nothing to make your life better. You can certainly do your own thing– getting pre-made foods, having friends take you to treatments, but that won't make you feel loved and valued. I am so very sorry. You deserve more.

Freya244117

I totally agree Susan. I was married to a man who beat the crap out of me, I know how lonely and dangerous your own home can be.

Sue's husband has proved he is not reliable, so it pays to take him out of the picture and have practical plans in place as well. When he calls at the last minute and says he forgot or is too busy to take her to chemo, does not get her to her treatment. It just adds another level of stress.

Sue, you do deserve much better, and I am sorry you are not being shown this, especially now.

susan_02143

Freya, you deserve better as well. My heart breaks every time I learn that I woman who I care about has not been valued by her partner. Sometimes I feel that I have been very blessed even though my life will be shorter than I would like.

Micmel

I have just read that for the first time. My heart sunk💔And then broke in two. Like, no! I cannot imagine even hearing those words from anyone ,no less your own husband. You do deserve better and just the fact alone that cancer is involved makes me want to kick him in the shin. I think Karma will play apart in this persons future. May you kick cancer to the curb, and find your Prince Charming, because clearly this one is a freaking 🐸 frog!!! Prayers of strength and happiness for you grammasue
~M~

GAMomma

I've posted in other areas here.. I feel your pain and suffer with the same situation. I'm sorry Sue.. Just a friendly hug of "they suck".

Micmel

GAMomma~ It saddens me so much to think that anything like that could happen from someone who is supposed to love you. I wish that I had all the answers that people so desperately need. But with my diagnosis I have learned that along with cleaning out the clutter that has accumulated over my 46 years. I have also gotten rid of the people who just plain bring me down , or cause me stress that I just can't handle. So please be good to yourself and remember, you're so beautiful and kind. Don't ever forget that it's his problems that are the reasons he treats you bad, not your doings. I Am sending positive hugs and thoughts along with prayers for much needed clarity. ~M~

GAMomma

Thank you.. It's such a difficult situation. We have bad moments that are generally filled with hopeful ever afters. I'm a fixer by nature so I've spent 11 yrs being perpetual fixer. When in truth I have not fixed anyone except my acceptance. I have 5 kids,2 with my current husband. I attempted last year to be single. Bad things happened and it was not the right time to separate (our house that we owed was considered condemned by mold and water problems) . We opted to go back to counselling. This was November. Second session he found out he was working out of state for 5 months. I knew this was perfect timing. It gave "us" the break we needed. It was very helpful. He came back and it was good for a while. But then bad..then cancer happened. It's always something. It's exhausting..really.. he is a good provider but is a game addict. Phone,Xbox,kindle,computer.. it's not the game,it's the habit.

Micmel

GAMomma~I want you to kick this cancer just because it's clear you're quite strong already. I can relate to that with my x PlayStation,at that time. He was a child that never grew up. It always baffles me the things that people go through in life. But it also makes me so mad, that good people have to deal with such hard situations every day. Then throw in a cancer diagnosis, and it feels like your whole world is blown up. Sometimes I don't understand people's behavior, especially when a diagnosis like that happens. If anything we need more support not less. I guess sometimes people are just plain weak and cannot deal with the reality that goes along with it. I call those people the deniers . Make sure that you treat yourself good, take time out for yourself, pamper yourself whenever you can, and remember that you are a beautiful person and you don't have to let his behavior bring you down. I will keep you close in prayer. I hope that someday we all find the place we are looking for, that we can actually stop worrying for just one day.

~M~

wallan

Hey:

Sorry your partner is such an ass. I know what its like. Hugs to you. Be extra kind to yourself and get help from others who care. Ignore him. That is what I do in my situation. The first time I had BC i was devastated at my Dh attitude. The second time, I am more tolerant yet suprised that he has not changed from first time. I have asked him exactly what I need from him this time though. I mean exactly. I say "will you make me dinner - and tell him what I want" Or I say, "I need you to drive me to my surgeons appt at this time, sit with me and take notes when the doctor is talking" He does for the most part.

dlb823

I'm so sorry it sounds like your.hubby is missing a sensitivity chip, as Jennifer Aniston once described Brad Pitt's poor behavior. But I'm also wondering if maybe it's not too late to coach him to being more supportive by communicating what you need, and then praising him profusely when he does it. For example, responding to his comment about fending for yourselves for dinner with, "I'm feeling way too weak and dizzy from chemo to stand in the kitchen, but I do need to eat. Could you please make me some soup?" I realize you'd rather have him do this without being asked, but it sounds like he was trying to relieve you from making a meal for him, and didn't realize you weren't up to doing it for yourself. If he doesn't respond to specific requests, then maybe a heart to heart about what "in sickness and in health" means to each of you is in order.

Artista928

"communicating what you need, and then praising him profusely when he does it." Lol! Sounds like training a dog. Teach them commands and praise profusely when he does it so hopefully they will remember next time.

Micmel

artist ~. Same thought exactly. Say hey dude i have cancer get a freaking clue But I agree spelling it out for him may help, I have seen some people feel like if they just ignore the cancer diagnosis, then it isn't really there. Some people act weird in the face of turmoil. Make him honey to do lists and write on one line make dinner for family. Spell it out. Sometimes they are just plain clueless. Keeping you all close in prayer ~M~

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dlb823

So "profusely" probably wasn't necessary, lol, but thanking someone for what they did -- even if they have to be asked -- is what I think is important so that they will hopefully feel they did something right. Yes, it is dealing with them in a childish (if not dog training) way, but men are used to being able to fix things, and when we have bc, they are suddenly faced with something they can't fix, and then they start feeling helpless and blaming themselves, or go into denial as Micmel suggested. Sometimes they get into a mindset where their work feels like the only thing they're doing right, and it becomes an escape mechanism. I know putting the communication efforts on us doesn't seem fair when we're already dealing with bc or mbc, but sometimes it helps to realize what they are dealing with too, and if taking care of a spouse who is ill was something they've never had to go through or was never modeled for them, they may need some help figuring it out. JMO...

Micmel

DLB~ I completely agree with you. Just like for us there Is no blue print on how to go through something like this. I have been through a lot in my 46 years right from birth, born into turmoil and fighting and negativity surrounded me for my entire teenage and young girl phases in my life. Parents divorced when I was 4, and i got the gift of a an evil controlling step mother.

Who ruined my relationship with my father and some siblings when I ended up divorcing. They picked his side because I wasn't acting the way that she thought I should in her mind. She started telling me how to raise my babies and that was it. I didn't speak to them for 9 years then came back into contact slightly,when my father had a heart attack and she banned me from the intensive care unit, I didn't know if he would Iive or die. She did that to me. I am his blood and child. So mean. People become creatures of habit. And how they treat you usually isn't going to change. That is why I believe in being the one making the changes. So I left after not working 9 years and got the house and left behind all those so called people that are the word "family" ? Now that I am sick. I refuse to allow anyone to Treat me or anyone I love badly. Those days are long gone. I realize now especially that treating people badly isn't a good thing even if you don't know them. That is why this place is an oasis of unconditional support and no judgment. We are each other's cheerleaders. Now after all those years of me being the bad guy and it's all my fault the relationship was ruined. I was bad bad bad. Now since I'm sick. All of a sudden they are sorry and want to call me. ? Not all of them. But some. I am not Interested in the least. Leave me alone with MY FAMILY. Ya know that one I created after you threw me away when I was all alone with two kids and no money or job.? Just because I wanted to leave a loser who wanted to drink rather than play with his precious children. No thank you. I finally know what the word family really does mean, because I have it. And guess what as*hol*s. I have one and yours is fake. Oh and let's not forget the Strings. Oh heavens no!! Sorry so long. Just felt so good to let it out.

I am done for the day! Prayers for all always ~M~

Lisey

In all fairness to the husband, I've said things similiar - especially when my husband is on his gluten free diet or doing that stupid 10 day lemonwater fast/cleanse. I simply don't know what he needs or wants and if he has expectations - he needs to actually say them, not expect me to just intuitively know. Some of us are socially challenged, even with diagnosis of Aspergers (most Engineers are on the spectrum IMO)... I think women in particular, have an unfair expectation that everyone should just 'know' how to comfort and nurture. I'm not the nuturer in our family, and when our kids get sick I look at my husband and say you do it - because I have issues caretaking with sickies, and luckily I married a man who is natural at it. Yes, I suck in some departments, but I rock in others.. as do we all. If all my husband did was vent about my lack of intuitive social skills, then I'd seem like the bitch indeed to people.. and you all would be encouraging him to divorce me I'm sure.

so again... I repeat... SOME OF US ARE NOT NATURAL NURTURERS.. and you have to 1) not expect us to change and 2) if you have a desire you need to state it clearly and matter of factly without emotion and manipulation.

Just grateful my husband gets me, and would never expect me to be different than I am.

Micmel

Lisey~ I think part of my problem specifically with my closest people in my family is. Since diagnosis I feel like such a mess of a non functional person and I don't want to bother anyone by asking them for anything. So while I realize communication is key. Not only are some not born to nuture. But others are not good communicators. I am trying to get better with that! With my children and my DH also. I realize that when a person is diagnosed with something like this. The entire family is diagnosed, not just the individual. I have had to really try to take time to listen and realize it isn't all about me. I applaud you for recognizing how wonderful your DH is. I am lucky now as well my second husband is my angel and I truly believe in second chances at love. Rest well ladies I'm going to try to run today after a bout with food poisoning. Yuck! Keeping all close in prayer ! ~M~