help :( some words of encouragement

J92

Hello everyone,

My name is Jessica. I am the daughter of a (touch wood) 4 year triple positive Stage 3 breast cancer warrior. I have dealt with anxiety my entire life, from when I was 5 (I will be 25 this summer). I worry about a lot of things generally and I do speak to someone about my fears and how to help me cope which is all good, but nothing seems to help me much when it comes to my anxiety regarding my mom's illness. I worry about every little ache and pain and I drive myself mental. My mom's diagnosis back in 2012 was the most traumatizing experience of my life . I was 20 years old at the time. As a matter of fact, I think I will always feel scarred from this experience. My mom is my everything, and life without her is unimaginable. The fear of a reoccurrence is always in the back of my head. Even to this day, there are days that it still consumes me. Well today, we got bad news about my aunt who has been diagnosed with spinal mets after 6.5 years. Needless to say we are all devastated, shocked, angry..etc etc. My heart hurts so bad. Her and my mom are so close and have shared so many of the same life experiences. I'm just completely devastated and am having a hard time with this. I feel awful for my mom too and wish I could relieve the pain she is feeling. The reason I am posting is just for some words of encouragement. I feel terrible and selfish saying this, but now I fear for my mom's health even more. My aunt was my hope through out all of this. She was so far out and doing well, and I would look at her and think "see, she's a long term late stage survivor too" and now that's all come to an end and I feel hopeless and scared shitless. I know every cancer is different and I know that this is all out of my hands, but I just feel so overwhelmed, sad, angry, and scared and some words of encouragement would be nice. As selfish as this may sound, I feel like I am now worried just as much for my mom as I am for my aunt. I don't know if that even makes sense or if it is normal to feel this way and I apologize if that comes off as offensive to anyone. I am just extremely terrified right now and I am imagining all these scenarios in my head. I feel like my mom is doomed

Freya244117

Breast cancer affects the whole family, not just the person with the disease. It is normal to be distressed and upset when you find out bad news about your Aunt, and of course it makes you think about your mother. What you need though is help with some coping mechanisms, so that you are not totally overwhelmed by it all. Do you have a doctor or therapist you can talk to?

There is nothing wrong with asking for help, and you have been struggling with this for 4 years now (from your posting history). Talk to your mother, she would want to know and can help. Hugs and best wishes.

J92

Hi Freya,

Yes, I do speak to a doctor who is amazing. He's been helping me with my generalized anxiety every since I can remember (much before mom's diagnosis). He has helped me through my parents divorce, cancer and all things in between. He's great. Until now, I haven't been on any medication. I've always gone to him to talk, vent, cry and share all of my fears. I even have follow ups with him when things are going well. He has always been there for me. Yesterday afternoon I showed up to his office without an appointment after I got the horrible news and he saw me right away. We have both agreed that maybe it would be a good idea to try a medication called Cipralex. I'm on a low dose for 6 weeks (5mg for 1 week and then 10 mg the rest of the 6 weeks). We will see how I do on that I guess. I have never been against taking medication and would never ever judge someone for that, but I've always wanted to try and stay away from taking it as long as I can. I'm a little disappointed and perhaps even embarrassed (?) that it's come to this but I don't know what else to do. He said one thing perfectly yesterday. That I think and feel with my whole heart (which is a good thing) but we need to find balance between thinking with both my head and my heart. He said he doesn't want me to be a robot but that there needs to be some kind of balance right now. I know that this medication isn't going to take away my fears (and truthfully I don't want it to take away from my emotions or alter my personality. I still want to be me! Because I love who I am) I just need something to help me cope better where I can be a little more calm and relaxed maybe? I don't know. Yesterday was just awful though and the way I feel right now is awful so I'm willing to try something different at this point. I feel so sick. A few hours ago was the first time I put something in my stomach since yesterday morning I told my doctor that I do not want to be dependant on anything and he assured me I would not be dependant on this and he also does not want me to be on medication all my life. (Not that there's anything wrong with people who are) He just thinks for this period of time it may help me. So I am willing to try.

ChiSandy

Jessica, just because a patient has developed mets doesn't mean they are no longer a “survivor." It does mean that there is no cure for their cancer and they will eventually die of it if something else (heart, lungs, infection, violence) doesn't get them first. But these boards—and our circles of real life friends—are brimming with people who are still standing despite a stage IV diagnosis. Your aunt is still a “survivor" and after her next treatment may remain “NED" for years to come. She, you and your mom will remain an interlocking circle of strength.

Cipralex is an SSRI antidepressant. It is often a lifesaver. There is no dishonor in being “dependent" on an antidepressant. Depression is as much a matter (if not more) of brain chemistry imbalance as it is of circumstance and reaction to it. I have been on Wellbutrin since 1999. Is there “dishonor" in relying on an anti-hormonal medication to prevent breast cancer recurrence? Is there “dishonor" in relying on a beta-blocker or ACE inhibitor to control blood pressure? Is there “dishonor" in depending on a statin to keep your bad cholesterol down, an inhaler to short-circuit a life-threatening asthma attack, or insulin or a type 2 diabetes drug to control blood sugar and prevent a diabetic crisis? I think you know the answer.

MinusTwo

Jessica - I read your same story on a different thread earlier. Just a suggestion - pick one thread and do you posting there. Those of us who are reading need to be able to see your history & back story in order to make sensible answers.

J92

ChiSandy,

Thank you so much for helping me see things in a different perspective when it comes to the Cipralex. I never thought of it that way and everything you're saying makes complete sense, so thank you. I'm hoping this helps me think a little clearer and just helps me relax a little and not get too caught up in my crazy thoughts. My brain goes a mile a minute (when it comes to this illness especially - anxiety with other things have somewhat gone away ever since the cancer, not sure if that makes sense or if that's even possible but cancer / fear of cancer returning makes every other little issue seem so minute) and I just can't keep up sometimes, it's consuming and exhausting. So, we'll see how this goes I have a follow up with my doctor in 6 weeks. Thank you again for your positivity.

MinusTwo,

Thanks I will keep that in mind for next time.

MelissaDallas

J92, antidepressants do not make you robotic, or flat, or take away your emotions. The first time I took them in my late twenties I felt like for the first time in my adult life that I was "normal" and really felt like "me."

We regularly see women on these threads just gibbering with fear and anxiety. I can't imagine living that way all the time when there is an easy fix for it

susan_02143

<-- seven years out from her mets diagnosis and still kicking some butt.

J92

that's fantastic Susan! I'm so happy for you and wishing you 100 more years of NED! thanks for the positivity