Faith, Fear, Hope...a see-saw

AnnieIam

This is my third year in the metastatic hurricane. In the beginning, I thought I was sure to die within the month. It was such a dark space to be in. Then as the Cisplatin/Gemzar chemo started working, I gained confidence and new hope unfolded within me. I had a good run on Aromasin (almost 12 months) and then things started going south from there. I was on Faslodex for 3 months only and the cancer started progressing. Now, it feels like I'm back to square one again. I'm hopeful one minute and the next wavering between faith and fear. It feels like death is looming and the chances of ever seeing NED, let alone having a dance with him, is just so out of reach. I feel envious of those who have been great responders and yet beyond happy for them, all at the same time. I need a good dose of hope and reading how difficult Ixempra is has just made me feel even more despondent. I don't mean to sound juvenile but I really need some hope to cling to.

blainejennifer

Annie,

I was just thinking about how best to live with this crazy-making condition. It looks like I'm having yet another progression, and I was wondering how we are all getting on with our lives while having the cancer sword dangle over our heads.

I have no answers. I do know that I don't want to tarnish the days I do have left with fear and anxiety - I don't know how to get there. Your statement, "I'm hopeful one minute and the next wavering between faith and fear." is so accurate.

Most fear generates from thinking that we can't handle any specific challenge. Well, we've proved to ourselves that we can do this cancer thing. We're both a few years in to treatment, and our heads haven't popped yet. That's good.

I'm envious of those who are getting better results from treatment. There, I said it. I'm not proud of myself, but that's how I truly feel sometimes. You are several steps ahead of me in your happiness for those that are doing well. I am intellectually happy for them, but viscerally sad for myself. Jealousy has always been my major flaw. I am still very much under construction in that regard.

I want to learn from this process, and convey that knowledge to my kid. I won't be here as long as I wanted to, but if I can gain wisdom and transfer it to him, I'll be somewhat satisfied. It still won't be as great as seeing him enter adulthood, but I was never guaranteed that anyway, was I? Each day is an opportunity to learn, to give, and to find new reasons for not cleaning the house.

Hope is harder to handle than despair. When hope fails, it hurts so much. I don't know how to handle that yet. So far, I've tried reading everything, ignorance is bliss, and some heavy duty retail therapy. What seems to work the best is to treat each day as a novel gift. Yesterday may have been bad, but today has promise and is unrelated to yesterday's disappointment.

I am looking forward to reading about how others here are navigating the ups and downs of Stage 4.

Kandy

I'm right there with you. The roller coaster is so hard to endure, constantly the up and down and the quick turns. I was one of those lucky ones for being a good responder. For 3 1/2 years I danced with NED. I miss him so much. When things took a quick turn my roller coaster fell hard. Progression was an understatement. Cancer decided to grow wild and now we are having trouble getting a handle back on it. The emotional side of this is the most difficult. I say people that die suddenly are the lucky ones cause they never seen the train coming. But then I wonder about that too, there are good things about knowing, I've done a lot of preparations that if my situation was different I probably wouldn't done. Plus I think slowly my family is seeing that I might not be around forever so when that time comes I'm sure it will be easier for them. I worked in the medical field for over 30 years and seen so much. I've seen all ages die. So, when I start feeling really sorry for myself I try to start thinking about how thankful I am to have lived this long, some were not that fortunate. I try to gear my thoughts to things I am proud of and accomplishments. It doesn't always make it go away but it helps. I hold tight to my faith. I wish you the best and hope you can dig deep in your heart to find what helps you. Enjoy the moment that is all that is guaranteed

AnnieIam

I could be wrong, but generally those that are NED or have been stable for a long time seem to be more positive. Then again, it's easier to be if one's prospects seem better? Be that all as it may, at this point in time, I don't want to know what time I have left and yes, death scares the hoohaa out of me. I just don't know how to make friends with it

blainejennifer

Annie,

I, too, have a hoohaa deficiency. Thank you for the dark laugh.

Jennifer

artistatheart

blaine,

Jealousy has always been a hard one for me to conquer as well. I look at the unfairness in life and sometimes it makes me so envious and angry. Not that I haven't had my share of wonderful fortune and blessing in life. I have been very lucky in many ways. But when I see people who have lived lives of debauchery and self indulgence and don't have this crappy disease, I feel envy that they do not have a clue about these feelings of despair and anguish. How they can just bounce through life without a care. Especially the ones who know me personally and my situation and act so oblivious to how how I might be feeling. I am jealous of not being able to be carefree any longer. Like Annie death scares me, just being gone, missing all the events with my family and friends, no longer hearing music or seeing colors freaks me out completely. I have not come to terms with that possibility yet. But also, like Kandy I am grateful for what I have been able to accomplish and the time to prepare my family in many ways. Good advice Kandy to enjoy each moment. I hope the chemo is working and you have found some good hair solutions...I am trying to take it one day at a time and have become fairly adept at pushing the really negative thoughts away before they take over my day. But it's a challenge everyday.

Sue2009

hi Annie, Kandy, Jennifer & Artistatheart, like some of you girls, I have been stage 4 coming up on 4 years. It has been quite the roller coaster ride & I thought I would be gone by now. My cancer has stayed in my bones so far , but it seems it is only a matter of time until it spreads to a major organ. I can't be on this site too much because it starts to make me very depressed. I too feel that twinge of jealousy when others get to report NED results. So in that regard, we are human. Just last week I was having a complete melt down. My MO wants to start chemo. I was so sick on my last 2 chemo drugs, that I thought I was not going to be around to experience Christmas last year. God isn't ready for me yet. I too try to focus on positives as Brandy said. I worked in hospitals for 30 years & watched many young adults pass away too young. Sounds like we all experience similar emotions.

My faith has been shakened, I have tried retail therapy, I have started to get rid of things in attempt to make it easier on my DH later, many conversations w/children, trying to help them accept my passing a little easier.

I do believe we need to stay positive. Do what ever it takes. If I get weepy my family asks if I am still on my meds ( meaning an antidepressant). Don't beat your self up if you are having amelt down. Talk to who ever you feel you can trust to handle your emotions. I share my down times w/my sister & a couple of cousins. They are good at helping me get past these down times.

I personally do not fear dying. I have had too many experiences that have proven to me that there is a heaven. I feel sad that my husband won't have me around to share future marriages, birth of grandchildren, & other important times you want to be there holding hands & feeling glad to still be there to share special life events. Like Kandy said, try to enjoy life moment to moment. Hugges to all , Sue