Girlfriend has stage IV cancer. I need someone to talk to.

okie73

I have been with my girlfriend for over 4 years, when she noticed a lump in her right breast. She didn't take it seriously, I begged her last year to go get a mammogram. By the time she had it done, it was diagnosed stage IV with lymph node involvement. Part of me is so mad at her carelessness. I feel like I'm the only one concerned with their health. Now, 4 months later, after chemo, the follow up tests showed no involvement, and no lymph node involvement. Im very happy with that.

My problem is with the day to day things. She doesn't communicate well, and I feel like I'm doing absolutely everything. Which, I don't really mind. I'm fully aware that things drastically change. But how do I get her to understand that a thank you every now and then would boost my confidence? I am raising her 3 kids, cleaning the house, doing the laundry...ugh! I just wish she would learn to talk to me without getting so mad at me. And that's another thing! Every 3 weeks after chemo she takes those steroids, and they make her evil! Can someone help me out here?

pupmom

Lymph node involvement does NOT necessarily mean Stage IV. I'm assuming from your post, that no distant metastasis has been found. If this is correct she is definitely not Stage IV, and prognosis is much better. Would help if you could clarify what's going on. I never had steroids for cancer, so can't help you out there. Best wishes!

cliff

from the other side of the fence:

I went through a mastectomy last april, and told afterword's that it was stage 4. it would have been better to have been caught earlier, but stuff happens. I am really gratefull for the support from my family during the last almost a year. I try to let them know how much I appreciate all the help and support, even though I know I am acting like a grumpy bear with a toothache, snapping at them unnecessarily. support her if you think she is worth it. once the initial fear and such are gone, things will probably improve.

Moderators

We are really sorry to hear all you are going through with your girlfriend. Assuming that you have had heart-to-heart conversations with her, is there any other family member, friend, neighbor, etc who could help out with some of the tasks. It sounds very overwhelming. Or, are there any funds to get some help (e.g. with cleaning)?

pupmom also raises a good point. Did her pathology report actually stage her at IV? (Note: Stage IV describes invasive breast cancer that has spread beyond the breast and nearby lymph nodes to other organs of the body, such as the lungs, distant lymph nodes, skin, bones, liver, or brain). Indeed, perhaps a much better prognosis?!

We're thinking of you. Cancer certainly affects all of us!

mara51506

okie, I am so sorry about your GF's diagnosis BUT I would get clarification on her staging from the medical onc. As others have pointed out, Stage IV means cancer other places, commonly bone, liver and brain though can involve a distant lymph node, skin etc. Reason for the staging check, mainly due to whether she will be in treatment forever or just a set amount of time.

I can understand the problems with the steroids. For myself, I was affected because I would not be able to sleep and then feel really keyed up all the time. After they left my system, I would feel like I was knocked over with flu, I would cry (or yell) easily. Exercise helped dial some of that down since at times, we need those drugs. It can be rough for all involved, especially caregivers.

I would recommend looking into a social worker for yourself. Caregiving to a cancer patient is EXTREMELY stressful and a lot of times, you may push yourself to the sidelines while trying to look after her. I can say from personal experience it is very beneficial to giving you a different way to think about some things ie when you percieve anger or if she can't communicate her needs at the time. You can also make the suggestion for her to see someone if she is not already. I would say that if she says no to that, let it be. I still think that a social worker can benefit you immensely. The cancer centre she is being treated at should be able to help with that information. In the meantime, hugs and more hugs for both you and your GF. This is a hard road no matter how you slice it.

TarheelMichelle

You said that your confidence is low. That is a flag to me. You can't talk to her without her getting angry? Another flag. Do you not feel safe, loved and appreciated in the relationship? You deserve love and attention too. Just because she has cancer doesn't mean she can walk all over you. I'm assuming you've tried gently talking to her about her anger and she is in denial. If you have not yet tried, maybe it would help if you tried talking to her, maybe in the morning when she is not so tired, Or you could write a letter, if you think she will respond better to written words. She may have so much on her mind coping with this disease that she may be truly unaware of how harsh she had been to you.

Cancer changes a relationship but that doesn't mean you have to suffer. A cancer patient may not be able to do everything like before but there are ways to make up for that. For instance, I can't cook meals like I used to, so I make sure I say extra thanks for everyone who helps put food in front of me.

You helped save your girlfriend's life. You feel angry that you had to nag her to go to the doctor, and she delayed. Your anger is understandable, because now there is extra work on your plate, which may have been avoidable if your girlfriend had listened to you. That anger won't subside if you are continuing to feel anger because you are doing more work because of her neglecting her health (in your opinion). Is there someone who can help around the house, temporarily? Perhaps a parent from school who can help with school transportation or feeding the kids one night? You need someone in your corner. There are plenty of discussions here that can help you feel better. Many hospitals have meetings for caregivers, to help them stay strong. If you think the steroids are making your girlfriend act horribly (they do that to me), go with her to the doctor and discuss these side effects. Steroids may not be absolutely necessary in her case.

I'm hoping things improve. I think caregivers have it worse than cancer patients, because at least we get sympathy. You deserve that too.

okie73

thank you all for your responses. I will make it a point to go with her to her next Dr appointment and get clarification on the staging / lymph node involvement. That is, if she will talk to me. I left the house for the weekend after one of her outbursts, and as of yet had the chance to talk to her. I've always been the communicative one, especially in this relationship, as she is a self admitted non communicator. She keeps things in until it just explodes, I was going to apologize for leaving, but my co-worker made a good point by saying," a 41 year old woman is responsible for her own behaviour. That is not your job. Your job is to love and support her, and her job is to do the same. This affects everyone in the family." Which I don't really understand, because she's just fine with the kids. Its me she targets, it seems.

YATCOMW

Cancer is hard......it takes a long time to get your head around it.....so many emotions. It's scary and no one can really understand it without having gone through it. It's even tougher when children are involved.

I found myself spiraling down to a dark place many times during the first 18 months. Thank god my husband pulled me up and out of it.

You're in a tough spot for sure......just know this isn't easy. I don't wish cancer on anyone. For most people it does get better with more time.

mustlovepoodles

She targets you because you're safe.She knows she's not going to get blow-back from you. She also doesn't have to feel guilty for inflicting damage on the kids. It's not fair, but very common. You're going to have to call her out on her behavior every time she mistreats you.

I'd strongly encourage you both to get coupled counseling.. Hopefully, she will recognize her bad behavior and change her ways. If she does not, I'd recommend that you see a counselor on your own so you can figure out what comes next.

edwards750

You are in a tough situation. Bless you for standing by her because lets be honest you don't have to. You aren't married to her. I am willing to bet she is angry about her situation and of course takes it out on the person she is closest to- you. I have a friend whose sister waited months to get checked out only to be DX Stage IV. She had to have a double MX followed by massive doses of chemo. It was horrific.
I don't know if she would be receptive to joining a support group but it really helped me when I did. I had family and friend support but the ladies in my group were my lifeline because we were all together for the same reason.
I definitely would try and get someone to help out. Surely there is a friend or family member or like others have suggested maybe someone like a social worker could recommend someone.
The caregiver gets forgotten sometimes when in reality they are suffering every bit as much by pure exhaustion if nothing else.
I hope you guys can talk. You need each other. IMO both of you are angry. She because of her predicament and you because she waited and you feel under appreciated. Both understandable.
Please keep us posted and keep the faith.

Diane

Christina313

hi Okie,

Your girlfriend is going through alot. Sometimes you need to let things go. However it is very stressful being a caregiver. You should take time from your day and do something for you. I do believe all the chemo and pills they take does impact their mental state. When my mom was on chemo, she would have random breakdowns. There were other days when you could tell she was angry.

If it were me or you going through this, we would be equally pissed off at the world. I hope everything works out for you both.