terrified

Faithhope35

I just hit my one year mark for diagnosis of stage 3a (i think) (5 cms, 4 lymph nodes) breast cancer. I remember last year saying this year would be so much better but it's not. I mean it is in some ways but I can't shake obsessing about recurrence. I have a beautiful 5 year old who is my life & I'm so terrified he'll be left without his mama. I think this is turning into depression. I've always been anxious & am on a tonne of meds already. It feels like I'm waiting to die. I feel jealous of other people's lives & long for my life back. I feel like I have nothing to say to anyone & that theirs no way out of this.

caaclark

Hi Faithhope35-

I completely understand what you are feeling.  What you are feeling is totally normal.  No one told me that so when I was about a year out I thought I was the only person who felt that way but I wasn't.  It's just that no one really talks about it-not sure why.

I'm not sure how old you are but when I was diagnosed I had just turned 40 and my children were 4, 6 and 8.  The year mark was especially hard for me too.  I felt like I was a time bomb and I couldn't figure out why or what to do about it.  The BEST thing that I did was go for counseling.  All along I didn't think I needed it and frankly with 3 young children I didn't really have time.  When I finished treatment it was around a year after being diagnosed and I could finally focus on what I went through.  It was at that point that I really struggled psychologically.  I felt overwhelming feelings of doom and I had trouble concentrating and getting through the day.  Not one person in my life had any idea I felt this way-not even my doctors.  Everyone was all happy I was "finished with treatment" but inside I was freaking out.  Once I began counseling it helped me to reframe what I had been through and helped me to calm down and process the experience.  If you are already going for counseling that's great but if not, many hospitals have counselors or social workers who specialize in cancer patients/survivors.

All that being said, besides counseling, the passage of time helps but living in fear is hard.  I am still fearful sometimes but not like I was when I was where you are now.  Oh, an by the way, I am just about to hit the 11 year mark in a few weeks!! There is tons of hope-I never, never thought I would still be here but here I am.

Sending you peace! 

Carol

YATCOMW

Faithhope35....

I did not do what Carol did and maybe I should have. It honestly took until year 3 before things did not spiral to a dark place (as often). I had a 7, 9 and 13 year old......and I just fought hard to make things as normal as I could for them. Honestly....if I didn't have my children I am not sure I could have held it together as much.......at the same time you think about what it might mean to them if they lost their mother at this age. It is a balance....a struggle......and like you I was jealous of the people outside walking down the street whose only worry was who was going to pick up the kids and what was for dinner....

Hang in there......plan things with your child....a trip to the zoo, etc. Distractions are key. I planned a trip with each of my children to Europe individually....and a lot of other things......I wanted to distract all of us;)

It does get better.....it truly does......the science is better.....there is a lot to be hopeful for. It just simply takes time.

Jacqueline

Beatmon

so very sorry the dark cloud won't leave you alone. I agree it is very normal that this happens...just not talked about. Don't give up

Lolis197138

Faithhope35, it is normal to feel like that after al the treatment is done. My breast surgeon kept saying that most of patients have a hard time dealing with the Dx of cancer after the treatment is done. I thought to myself that it's not possible to feel down after one goes thru with the treatment. But the BS was right. At my anniversary mark all I could think of was recurrence. I don't have any children (none that are alive anyway) and I was worried that it would come back as we had a baby.

I am approaching 3 years and things get better. The fear never goes away but life get back to "normal". If you need to ask for some counsel and enjoy every minute with your little one. Make him the focus of your day and you will get stronger day by day. Be gentle to yourself and make sure you have a good support system.

Hugs!!

Faithhope35

Thank you so much ladies for your encouraging words & sharing your stories. They really do help. Congrats to carol for 11yrs & Jacqueline for 3! It's nice to hear that life does go on even when it feels like it's over. I do see a counsellor which helps to vent & recently I've started going to the gym. My boy is the focus of my life & when I'm with him I'm able to be present & almost forget.

Hugs

Faithhope35

& congrats to Lolis for 3

YATCOMW

Faithhope35

I probably wasn't clear.........I am out almost 13........it just took me about three years for me not to think about the doom and gloom a cancer diagnosis can bring.........as you said.....spending time with your child brings the most calm;)

Jacqueline

Faithhope35

wow jacquline that's even better!!! Congrats!!

Spookiesmom

Some say it is PTSD. Getting into counseling is awise idea. I'm 4 years out, it does get better.

Mom_of_twins

Hi FaithHope,

I have no words of wisdom; but wanted to let you know I totally understand. I am almost a year after diagnosis, and my girls are 4 and 6. My mind goes to dark places daily, and of course I love life and want to be here--but I get so scared that they will not have a mommy. I hate this so much. It's just so scary, but you're not alone. And thank you to the wonderful ladies who have shared their stories and provide us inspiration!! I do remind myself that there's always hope. Always. Hang in there.

ash123

Hi Faithhope

I am almost two years from my diagnosis ,and I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am working full time, but many dark moments come and go. One thing is sure they are much less as compared to one year back. Hang in there...hugs

Faithhope35

Thanks so much ladies. Big hugs to each of you.