Aren't People Supposed to Be Nice this Time of Year?

Becs511

I live and work in Manhattan and take the subway to and from work every day, and apparently one particular "gentleman" on my subway never got the memo that during the holiday season people are supposed to be especially kind to each other.

On my very crowded train this morning, I leaned over, to who I thought was a young guy who looked nice, and explained to him that I wasn't feeling well, and kindly asked if he would mind giving me his seat. He flat out refused!

So then, I went on to explain that I was on chemo for cancer and have a related seizure disorder since it spread to my brain. He then decided to SCREAM at me so loudly that the entire train could hear that how dare I pose as a cancer patient to garner sympathy and get a seat, and if I was going to do it, at least do it right, and shave my head and put on make-up to make myself look pale!!

For a second, I was too stunned to do anything but cry, but then remembered the full bottle of chemo pills (Xeldoa) I was packing in my purse, whipped them out, gave him a solid lesson, and got my seat (from somebody else)...and no apology from the guy.

While teaching him (and apparently the subway car) that you don't have to look sick to have cancer was empowering, I have a feeling that I am going to be holding back tears all day. It is bad enough that we have to deal with the ins and outs of disease every day, but having to explain myself to a subway car full of commuters, right after Thanksgiving, was not something I was prepared for this morning.

Southernsurvivor

Becs,

I am so, so sorry to hear this happened to you today. It is absolutely inexcusable! Some people do not think and many people have no idea that you can look "healthy" with Stage IV cancer (i.e. have your hair, still work, etc.) Regardless if he didn't know, his reaction was that of a complete jerk - I am happy you gave him a good lesson! He may not have apologized to you, which he definitely should have, but I'm betting he will think twice before he speaks if this ever happens again. Hope you have a good rest of the day!

Sending a big virtual hug to you,
Sheri

blainejennifer

When I was doing chemo the first time, I was coming home on the subway, and asked for one of the "handicapped" seats. The lady closest to me said, "You look healthy enough by me." So, I whipped off my hat, showed the bald head, and she still didn't budge. However, three Latino men near me hopped up, and I got a seat.

It's tough having cancer in NYC.

Becs511

It's tough having cancer anywhere!! But, it is actually easier for me to live here. I now have a permanent seizure disorder as a result of brain mets, so I have been banned from driving. If I lived anywhere else, where there weren't nearly as many transportation options, as a single woman who lives alone, I would be screwed (but not literally, cause like I said I am single. Sorry for the inappropriate joke, but I have to find humor somwehere)

Shutterbug73

Becs - As always, I am amazed at how you always keep your sense of humor (the screwed comment made me LOL at work). I'm so sorry this guy was such a dolt. He must be seriously unhappy in his life.

Nothing but coal for his stocking!

artistatheart

HahaBecs! I like your sense of humor too. Man, I can't believe the cold hearts in people sometimes. They just expect that they will be scammed or bam-booozled into something. No faith. It's a seat for gosh sakes. He is so lazy or cruel that he couldn't stand for a short while?I would've been on the fringe of tears all day too just thinking about how mean some people can be. I am a person who has always bounced through life thinking people were basically good and kind. I had a very positive outlook on how many people I had in my life that cared about me. Cancer brought me one big reality kick in the head. I am trying to find the rose colored glasses again but it's tough.

Bestbird

What a very difficult way to begin your day and week. I am very sorry to hear of your experience, and somehow we need to hold onto the fact that for every oaf like that, there are many good people who would gladly do a good deed for someone in need.

As Shutterbug73 said, Nothing but coal for his stocking!

(And a double dose of sweetness for yours!)

steelrose

People are supposed to be nice all year round! That is no gentleman. So sorry this happened. New Yorkers are usually pretty cool in my experience. This guy needed to be blocked upside the head, the old fashioned way! Better days ahead, Becs.

Love to you...

Rose

dlb823

Wow, Becs, I'm just shaking my head at your experience -- that someone would feel the need to protect his subway seat to that degree. It's really pretty sad. It also makes me wonder if he was on some kind of med(s) that caused his outburst. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but I think your experience would make a great little magazine submission, just the way you shared it here, to hopefully educate even more people.

Becs511

I have decided to take a friend's advice and get a decorative cane, like Mr. Peanut (without the top hat and need to promote eating peanuts). When people see it, they might automatically give me their seat, no questions asked. Plus it might help with my balance issues, especially when it becomes icy out..

Iwrite

Becs,

So sorry you had this experience...I switched over to the the "most people are selfish" view of the world a while back. It makes me appreciate the good ones more and having low expectations means I'm seldom disappointed :-/

The cane idea is a good one! Needs no explanation and doubles as a weapon :-) Getting out of the car in a handicapped spot also draws looks...and the balance issues will probably continue. If we could turn canes into magic wands for spells on rude people I would pay for the upgrade!

Manhattan is so pretty during the holidays! Take good care of yourself!

Heidihill

Great idea, Becs! Hope it'll solve your problem with territorial subway beasties. Maybe add a neck brace?

MaineRottweilers

How sad that one would have to divulge that they have cancer to get a seat. Simply saying you felt unwell should have garnered you a seat in a polite society, no matter what time of year. My goodness, what is the matter with people? It makes me grateful to live in my small community.

I'm sorry you had such a miserable experience.

JFL

Becs, what a terrible experience. Remind yourself he must be a very unhappy, miserable person to react like that. Happy, content people do not respond like he did. Rarely is it someone actually affirmatively asks for a seat. Regardless of the circumstances, if someone has the nerve to ask for a seat, rest assured, he/she needs it!!! Don't take it personally and chock it up to that guy having serious personal unrest.

I have had several experiences that truly enraged me where I was judged on my "healthy" looks and young age - it seems to happen at Race for the Cure. The first year I did it, there was a path at the end for survivors to cross the finish line and the man tried to block me from entering, saying it was for survivors only. I had to stop and argue with him. Another year, I was blocked from going into the survivor hospitality suite because they assumed someone who looked like me cannot have cancer. Again, I had to argue.

People can be very misinformed about cancer! You are a rock star and I agree that it is a wonderful blessing to live in New York where you don't need to drive.

Scwilly

Its crazy that we need to wear our disease out in public to be believed. I always had trouble if anyone spotted my wig or when I was wearing a beanie and gave me a knowing look. I actually understand what they are meaning. I try not to catch anyones eyes if they seem like they have lost their hair, even if I feel the wish to sympathize. Others may not feel so uncomfortable I do understand.

Now I have progression and mets in my liver, I actually look no different to before I discovered the mass. So no-one knows at the moment - and long may that last. I know I may not feel so well in the future and I hope I don't encounter someone like that idiot on the train that you had to deal with Becs.

JFL: I would have been furious if I had been disbelieved like you were at the race for the Cure. People need to understand exactly what having cancer or being a 'survivor' really means. We just want to be as normal as we can.

Sarah