Double Whammy

Becs511

I just got finished with an hour long, full spine MRI. I have been having some lower back pain and my neurologist and I think it is related to the seizure disorder I developed as a result of brain mets, but wanted to confirm it was not progression just in case. When I got out, I saw a missed call from my 65 year old mom. I called her back, only for her to tell me that she was diagnosed with Stage 0 Breast Cancer. Caught only by change during her yearly mamo. Her treatment plan is radiation, followed by a lumpectomy, and something along the lines of tamoxofin.

She started crying on the phone, which is totally expected reaction when you find out you have cancer. However, she told me that she was crying out of guilt. She wishes she could switch places with me, and it isn't fair that she is stage 0 and her 35 year old single daughter is stage 4, and as had to endure so much. She was hysterical about the unfairness of it all.

I literally had no clue what to say other than there is nothing we can do about it, and we all just have to take one day at a time.

Any advice on anything else I can do or say to help relieve some of her guilt and focus on herself, and not me? I don't plan on going anywhere soon...

50sgirl

Becs, First of all I want to say that I am sorry about your mother's diagnosis. I am glad that she is stage 0, but any breast cancer diagnosis is one too many. I don't really have any advice on how to make your mom feel better. I know that is seems like a strange thing to say, but I think that it is in some ways easier to be the person with a serious diagnosis like MBC than it is to be the person who loves someone with the illness. My DH was critically ill for several months last winter, and it tore my heart out. He has since recovered, but when he was hospitalized, I prayed that God would take me instead of him even though I know God doesn't make deals.

It is hard feeling helpless when all you want to do is make things better for someone you love. It is especially painful for a parent to see her child with a disease like ours. Life is unfair.

There is nothing you can do to free your mother of her feelings. She loves you too much for that. Maybe you can find a way to ease the pain just a bit. Perhaps you can talk to her about some of your favorite moments with her. Tell her about some warm memories and how precious they are to you. I heard my ds telling his wife that I used to sing him a lullaby every night and that it always made him feel safe and peaceful. I was shocked that he remembered. Tell your mom about fun times you have had together. Tell her things you have laughed about. Then tell her that you plan to make more memories with her in spite of bc. Do memories of times with your momhelp you through some of the rough times? If so, let her know that. Tell her that she has enriched your life ( if she has). Maybe you can explain that that you understand how she feels and would feel the same way if roles were reversed.

These ideas might be completed wrong for you. It is all I can think of.

Hugs and prayers from, Lynne