Set a Date. Freaking out. Verge of tears

TechTeacher

So all of this started for me at the beginning of August when I went in for a 6 month follow-up to take a second look at some cysts in my right breast. Since then it's been two and half months of tests and doctors and bad news and waiting and having hard conversations with people I love. Making my mom cry. In the last week or two I got to the point where I was so tired and frustrated an angry with being in "find out more" mode that I felt like I was perpetually on the verge of a free roaming angry outburst in search of a target pretty much all the time.

Yesterday, my BS and I set a tentative date (Nov. 15), assuming the PS can do my surgery then (R mx, delayed SIEA reconstruction). Welcome to "let's do something" mode. Now I just feel depressed and on the verge of tears. I'm a middle school teacher, so in some ways that helps. Never a dull minute and their energy lifts me up every day. But every time I stop moving, even for a few minutes, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. All this just got so freakin' real. I'm so scared. And then I feel like some kind of a jerk for freaking out so hard. My journey is so, so much less harrowing than so many of the amazing, brave warriors I read about on this site. I just feel like I can barely move. I can't remember ever feeling so sad.

littleblueflowers

Hey Sister- you will be ok. Those emotions are totally normal. Im on this site now because Im having surgery next week as well, to start reconstruction. Getting cut is scary! This whole process is horrid for every reason! Anyway, just wanted you to know you arent alone. Hugs!

debiann

I know the feeling. If you can keep your mind focused on something else you are ok. Left alone with too much time to think and google - you go to the dark side. I teach middle and high school, so my days are ok, but weekends I had too much time for "what if" so I started working at Walmart, lol. I work in sporting goods, which is not too busy. I like it there, easy, mindless, unstressful yet structured routines. So much more relaxing than my teaching job, but not much pay. Anyway, for me, Walmart is my distraction from the cancer crap. I hope all goes well for you and you find your distraction too.

Lily55

Bollocks to all the this is easy rubbish, a cáncer diagnosis is hard core, a mutilating surgery is hard core.....cáncer treatment is hard core.................be kind to yourself and expect that non cáncer people are clueless..............

TechTeacher

Thank you to all who responded. I am lucky in that I've got great support and no small number of friend with medical skills, who seem to get it so well.

debiann--you may be on to something. Not sure I want a second job. But maybe it is time to take up a mentally distracting hobby. Knitting or some thing of the like. Of course, if you saw my house you'd realize I should probably take up not being such a slob. But that's considerable less fun.

Lily55 and littleblueflowers--Thank you. Validation is, I think, the thing I'm missing. Everyone is trying so hard to lift me up. And I so appreciate their good intentions. But sometimes you just need a solid "This sucks!".