Feeling suicidal after PS consult

elise24601

I have been to four different PS consults now, and they have all told me the same thing:

I am too thin for any type of tissue flap recon, and the radiation I need will destroy a TE-to-implant recon. I was told today: "breast cancer made the decision for you, there are no good options."

I am seeing one more PS next week. He will be #5. If he can't help me, I have decided to forgo further treatment, as I do not want to be alive in this situation. I am stage 3/grade 3, death will come for me soon anyway. I am not a strong fighter. I am a 31 year old woman with no partner or kids, and cancer has taken what little I had in this life. I am done.

(Please no prayers, I am not religious)

Moderators

Dear elise, we are so sorry for all you are going through. We wanted to remind you that you are not alone here in this wonderful forums. We are all here for you to offer great support and advice, so keep coming to talk when you need to. Many women have been where you are right now, and we're sure they'll come along to post soon with helpful words and support.

Have you considered getting professional therapy/help too? It could make you feel much, much better. And if you keep feeling so desperate yourself, please do also call the hotline. You may call 911 (or, if not in the United States, the comparable emergency number in your country), visit a hospital emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255).

Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

We're here for you,

The Mods.

ScotBird

Elise, I'm not religious either, and like you I feel that BC has taken a LOT from me as I was planning to live to be 110 and in marvellous health. But I have also learned a lot and have taken some good things from it.

1 I got a dog (as my slower life style gave me time for a dog)

2 I made some lovely new friends

3 Although I hated the thought of losing my hair, it was liberating in a way to not have it. I could be ready to go in 5 minutes!

5 You may feel done now but tomorrow is another day. There are bad days and better days. Some days are good days, even with BC.

Have a look at the website " breast free" you may find there is a way to be positive about this. Some things we don't like and have to accept, other things we can do something about.

I hope something helps, and if it nothing helps at this moment, it's fine for you to feel sad. Have a rant, weep and wail. Anything that helps you is OK. A good wallow in self pity is allowed. I find Tchaicowsky (sorry wrong spelling) 5th symphony is good background music for this mood. I hope it will pass.

Love. X

candi07

Altough I don't know you my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you feel this way. This disease is very troubling however try not to give up on yourself. I'm glad you are on this forum, although there are some sad stories you will find strength, courage and even gain friends here.

ScotBird..great suggestions

rozem

I know this seems hopeless and you just want to feel whole after this ordeal. Finish your treatments don't make this decision based in recontruction. This may not feel right now but you will be glad you did

There is ONE option that has not been discussed. That is Fat Grafting or transfer. The PS does a few " fat harvests" from your tummy ( you need very very little) and injects it in to the radiated Breast. My GF had it done. Thin. Radiated Breast. She had to wait after finishing treatment but was able to do TE to implant. Results are great and she has had zero issues 5 years late

javamama

Girl... my heart goes out to you. Listen, don't give up hope. Get pissed. And with the leaps and bounds they are making in science and medicine, no answer today doesn't mean no answers tomorrow.

My cancer is in my left breast. I want to reconstruct. But if that doesn't happen? I'm going to start a new tribe of Amazonian women who walk around with one tit and compound bows- it should be cool as our entire country is moving toward open carry. I should be able to take my one tit plus bow anywhere and proudly proclaim my Amazonian status.

Also, many are telling me to get the p-mx on the right one. Fuck that. There's no cancer in my right boob- I know, they biopsied the shit out of it. And I think in a few years, they will have newer, better boob therapies and reconstructions and stuff. I mean look at all this flap surgery which wasn't on anyone's radar a decade or so ago.

Oh, and there is zero reason you can't get a little fatter while you do your radiation. I mean, how the hell hard can it be to put on 20 pounds if you are stress/depression eating? And no reason that after the flap, you can't lose that shit again. Not really sure why you are stuck in RIGHT NOW.

That's the decision I've made. I want a flap. But if I can't have that? I'm am going flat on the left. With a kick ass tattoo and zero shame. Seriously, I just sent my last kiddo off to college. This was supposed to be a new, different "ME" chapter of my life. Instead, I'm going to have to do a scene or two with cancer and then I am kicking that fucker to the curb.

Also, I went to undergrad in LA. I still have massive contacts there. If you need some therapy, let me know. Having suicidal thoughts isn't a good thing. I was always taught that suicide is anger turned in. Homicide is anger turned out. Now, wouldn't you rather kill the shit out of cancer than yourself? I mean really. Turn that anger and pain and rage OUT. And if you can't on your own, there's ZERO shame in asking for some help to make that happen.

ErenTo

Oh elise, I'm so sorry. This disease is particularly rough on young women. Is lumpectomy an option? Can you do neoadjuvant chemo to shrink the tumour? I hate negative doctors who make such dismissive remarks to patients who are at their most vulnerable.

Samanthavt7091

Life is still worth living. I urge you to talk to someone about your feelings. Posting on this site is a good first step. I'm not religious either, but I am a Christian who believe in the power of prayer; I will be praying for you.

tessu

elise please please do not give up! Call a crisis hot line right now if there is no one you can talk to face to face!

I also didn't qualify for own-tissue reconstruction when I had my mastectomy (same reason, not enough tissue), but was told that recon might be possible later after therapy is complete, if I want it. A year or so (treatment) may sound like forever right now, but believe me, it will go by fast. Your body may change shape and you might have enough tissue then. Also new surgical techniques are being developed all the time. There's hope!

Please, elise ----Get your cancer treated, THEN go get recon when your body has healed from rads and chemo. You are so very much worth keeping alive!!!

dtad

Elise...I'm so sorry you feel this way. I was once in your shoes. At this point BC isn't the issue. Your mental state is. Suicidal feelings are no joke! Please call a hotline or reach out to someone you can trust. Please believe me when I say you will NOT always feel like this. Also feel free to private message me. The main thing is to not be isolated at this time....

Molly50

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling so hopeless. I can tell you that I felt pretty hopeless early on when my PS said that I couldn't have implant after radiation. I have a special needs child that's full care and I can't afford a long recovery from flap surgery. Well I talked him into implant surgery which I will have in January. I have since talked to several women who did implant after rads. You need to find a PS who will work with you on this. Hang in there, you are worth the effort. ❤️❤️

pupmom

I'm very sorry you are experiencing so much emotional pain. A diagnosis of breast cancer is definitely a punch in the gut. I just want to reassure you that reconstruction after radiation CAN happen and be successful. I am Exhibit 1, lol. I had my radiated breast reconstructed, no implants or transfers, and my other breast reduced to fit with the reconstructed one. I also had a nipple constructed on the bc side. As a result I look like a normal woman. I think you need to talk with more PSs.

Oakmoss

Elise, please don't give up and please get help. I am a pretty sturdy person, but I have realized lately that I need someone to talk to. I'm afraid I don't know much about reconstruction and nothing yet from personal experience -- I have only just had two surgeries so far, lumpectomies. I've had people say to me, 'You're old, you don't need them anymore' -- and I have to say, even at my age, I feel pain about possibly losing my breasts. You are of course more than entitled to feel that as a 31 year old!

Life is incredibly unpredictable. I've had a bad chronic illness for most of my adult life, and have weirdly outlived many -- including friends who died in car accidents, and a young, apparently healthy outdoorsy guy who had a heart attack, etc. Even with a cancer diagnosis, we just don't know. It is very hard to live with so much that is unknown, I suppose we each cope in our own way.

I hope that you've already gotten in touch with a therapist. This is a big burden to carry by yourself -- you shouldn't have to.

SillyMe0114

Elise,

I understand how you are feeling. I felt exactly the same way when I was diagnosed in October 2014 for the second time, with no realistic hope of only having a lumpectomy. The new tumor started in the bed of the first tumor. This was was considered a new cancer because it was also Her2+.

I am single, without children as a result of my first diagnosis in my 30s. My first diagnosis happened when all of my friends were getting married and having babies. I was newly engaged. That relationship struggled through cancer, but never recovered. Most of my friends from that time disappeared. I was their worst fears realized. After a break of a few years from dating, I was just starting to go out on dates again and feeling hopeful about the future. I felt healthy and strong, and finally past a big milestone (10 yrs) that made me feel like I was out from under the BC cloud.

I was completely devastated by my second diagnosis. Being by myself while going through cancer treatments made me feel like death would be so much easier. My doctors and nurses didn't know what to say or do for me. There is very little that can make you feel as alone in the world as going through a year or two of grueling cancer treatments and surgeries. (Especially while observing others who are not.)

For my second diagnosis, mastectomy was the only surgery that my medical oncologist and breast surgeon would go with. I did not want to live with what felt like would be permanent mutilation, all by myself forever, with working to pay medical bills as my life. Why prolong an awful life? (That was how it felt my life was and would be. It's not.)

I am still figuring things out and trying to find my way, but I have learned the following, some things for the second time:

1. If possible, get a pet. I have a dog and a couple of cats. They became my reason for continuing, and they helped me get through. They have always been my buffer from loneliness and the blues. They have never made me feel anything but loved and important just the way I am. My dog kept me active and walking all through treatment. This was sometimes hard, but do-able. They all understood that I was struggling, and didn't demand much except to be near me. Many/most of the people I know in my personal life now, I met with my dog.

2. I decided to try a fat grafting based reconstruction. I live in New Jersey and discovered a surgeon who does this. This form of reconstruction and meeting my PS and his surgical nurse gave me enough hope to accept a mastectomy instead of insisting on another lumpectomy, this time without radiation. (Had it the first time. All of my doctors and nurses were horrified by this concept.)

My PS instructed my BS how to do a nipple-sparing skin-sparing mastectomy. Saving my nipple continues to give me a mental/emotional boost. My breast felt/looked deflated, not removed. I am thin and don't have much fat, creating a real challenge for my PS. He tells me that every bit of fat I have is precious, and his reminders to me include eating lots of ice cream.

3. Living with a mastectomy turned out to be so much easier than all of the mental/emotional/physical anguish I went through while going through neo-adjuvent chemotherapy, anticipating the surgery and its aftermath. The relief I felt when it was over was completely unexpected. I had no idea. I am a small breasted uni-mx. I did not choose BMX because I wanted to see how it went with one, and I wanted as little collateral damage as possible. I like having a normal side, but I am also protective and loving of my battered cancer side. My BS did a wonderful job, and my scar is hard to see.

4. BCO - I felt so badly about my situation that when I found breastcancer.org I did a lot of reading, but didn't know where to begin when it came to seeking guidance and support from others. I got stuck at trying to come up with a user name. There are so many wonderful, experienced, knowledgeable, caring and sharing women here. It has been so helpful to read through so many threads in the forum. In most cases, someone has been through what you are facing or going through. BCO is an amazing resource. Having a support system here would have been even better. You have already reached out and posted, which is a good start.

5. I finished chemotherapy plus one year of Herceptin in December 2015. I had my mastectomy at the end of April 2015. The further out I get, the more grateful I am that I completed treatment and the better I feel about my life.

I am doing reconstruction now. Reconstruction is not easy, and I sometimes wonder .... I have lived as a uni-mx for a little over a year, and while it has moments of challenge, mostly it has been fine. (surprise!) I have had two fat graft surgeries so far, and my concave chest doesn't look concave anymore. It is a long process, minimally invasive, and "easier," which doesn't mean "easy". I use poofs that I crochet or cotton nursing pads and modesty pads from bra-lets and sports bras. Gel breast enhancers from JoAnn's Fabric and Craft store work well inexpensively too. No one seems to notice, and I no longer feel as if I am hiding some awful defect.

6. My life is not over. It is still rich with possibility even though I don't have a spouse and children, and I am not yet ready for dating again. For some reason, with my second diagnosis as a single living alone, it has been easier to again feel like I have a future and that it can be just fine. I'm not sure how that happened, but I am sure that I can't be the only one who has felt that way. I think it may be because I don't have a fiance who feels like he got the "booby prize" and is disappointed, along with the negative peer pressures from his friends.

The best thing about reconstruction is that, unless you are in an unrealistic rush, it can be done as you choose. And as you recover from your treatments, you will begin to feel better physically and mentally/emotionally. It will get better. I am almost 2 years from my second diagnosis (Oct 7, 2014) and the unwanted call I got from my BS while walking my dog one evening. I never expected to be as ok with everything as I am - especially post mastectomy.

Gentle hugs to you! Lilly

SillyMe0114

PS. I found that a good wig or two (one to wear and one to wash/have ready for wearing) was helpful to my sense of self and confidence. I used Schwartzkopft's (spelling) hair glue styling/spiking gel available at Target and WalMart to secure them to my bald head. It made a huge difference. With bangs, no one in my immediate neighborhood knew that I was going through chemo and hairless. It helped me to learn that I could go out into the world of the healthy and pass for one of them.

Another patient of my surgeon's showed up pre-op so that I could see that I could look normal and get through this. There are places online where you can order a wig for a reasonable price. Now that I got through that, I didn't mind letting a couple of neighbors know that I had been going through chemo.

Paxton29

Elsie,

I had a similar situation. My PS said not enough tissue for one flap procedure (stomach); could maybe try from the thighs, whatever that's called, but he was doubtful I had enough and I would probably hate it. Picked TEs to implants. After BMX surgery learned I would need radiation due to margins, since, again, there was only so much tissue to take. Finished radiation in June and just had my exchange to implants last week (yes, earlier than my RO recommended but my PS said it was ok, I had some issues with my TEs). I'm healing great. If I gain some weight he may be able to do some fat grafting as needed.

The bottom line is, being thin actually can be challenging in this process. You are not alone--lots of women have this issue. I hope you can get answers and the help you need.

fleur-de-lis

I did not see any particular breast centers mentioned in this thread....and you might have already consulted with this center, but please, do look into The Center for Breast Recobstruction in NOLA....there are many threads here on BCO about this center, just an amazing place!

I feel for you due to my own limited choices....free flaps are not a good option for me, as I am a genetic clotter with the germ line mutation Factor V Leiden. I also deal with a genetic Immune Deficiency that complicates matters further....long surgery is not in my best interests. With a MX and TE's there is the chance of infection, and often times if you get an infection while doing the TE fill process, many surgeons will take the option of reconstruction with implants off the table.

I just had another large chunk taken out of my right breast on Monday( another Phyllodes) and should get my path results latter today.....being small chested to begin with, I really have nothing left....and will need to look at recon if my path results are clear....if not, I will wait it out.

Also look into Dr. Khouri in Miami.....breast recon using your own andipose cells....insurance covers this, and if you are thin, often times they can still reconstruct a small breast for you

Mariangel43

Dear Elise, before taking any actions in your hand, talk to to RO. I am in a similar paradox that you are. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. But I am not done yet and I fight a lot. You don't give enough information on the type of cancer you have to send you to the appropriate links. I am not very thin but i have lost a lot of weight recently. RT is making me remain awake during night and I am in a lot of stress too.

Talk to the RO. Ask how many tx are really needed and ask him to help you. He was supposed to send you to the PS before rad. And remember, you might not be immediately eligible to reconstruction; however, skin may heal itself or, in the months post-rad you may gain some extra pounds that will help you to go over recon. Don't lose faith in you, in your capacity to help yourself and even in God. When we grow up in maturity we open to a lot of possibilities.

We all are here for you

Hopeismyname

Dear Elise!

You are doing everything right! You are as strong as any of us... Breast cancer is a cruel disease but as someone told me once "try not to own it, don't make it part of your essence, it cannot decide for you, cancer it's not who you are"

Doctors cannot predict a reconstruction failure, we can fall on either side of the statistics!

Whoever told you that shouldn't be a physician! We can adapt, things change, things can feel better and the unlikely is also a possibility. Hold on to positive people, let them help you! You are not alone. It's not over!

Virtually hugging you right now...

Mariangel43

ErenTo, you are right. The worst thing is to get a physician that looks at one as an object, something to show his/her expertise or that thinks patients are guinea pigs. I hate experiments with animals and I hate physicians without sensibility. I have found both types in my journey thru cancer and I don't have the least pity to change them. I once thought that women doctors could empathize more with female patients. I was wrong, and I am really sorry for that. But male doctors do so too. They must change their attitude. I once met a doctor who treated every one like trash. Until he got cancer. Then he passed thru the uncomfortable treatments that physicians and health personnel give patients. Well he learned how bad he had made his patients feel and he changed. Some people need to get face-to-face with death and disease to learn.

Mariangel43

Molly50 and Elise, I will have implant after radiation. I first had the tissue expander until I finish the radiation. This is due to the fact that implants may be damaged with radiation. The PS put on the TE and filled it before rad. He is now waiting for me and I am waiting for the new RO to evaluate me. The difference is that he will put the implant thru an incision on the bottom half of the breast. To make a happy face in the breast I need two Os and the drawing of the teeth. Yes, I will make fun of the scar which is ugly.

Mariangel43

Lilly (SillyMe), I will not reply to every post in this page but your story hit me. I am also living alone and I have one cat now. My cat is very oral and she makes me mad because she is constantly asking for attention all the time. Yes, she is a good cat. As I told in another forum, getting chemo or rad does not exclude the possibility of having a recurrence or getting a new cancer. At first, I hated the turmoil BC pushed me into. Every decision, every action must be fast-paced. The biopsy surgeon kept the result for three weeks and when I pushed him to see me because I was bleeding on one of the sutures, I was informed. Thanks God I changed to new BS who put me on hormone therapy and shrank the tumor of 9x6 in one of 4.5x3 and then he performed a radical mastectomy.

I hoped to be a near normal old woman. Cancer threw that image down the drain. I sometimes feel tired and disgusted with some things but most of the time those feelings disappear. There is always a better moment after a bad one. You inspired me and your suggestions are very good. One of them made me laugh. Hope you are fine now.

Take care, Maria

Denise-G

Elise - I wanted to share the story of Sally, the mom of a grade school friend.   I never knew her mom was a breast cancer survivor, and we grew up in a town of 800 people.  People used to whisper, but I never knew why.

The year was 1956.  Sally was 32 years old.  It had taken her 10 years to become pregnant with her second child.  She found a lump in her breast and told her physician as she was 5 months into her pregnancy.  They wanted to take the child to try to save her life.  She would not allow it.  The tumor grew like crazy during the remaining months of the pregnancy.   When the baby was born (my friend), the baby was taken home by Sally's sister.  They gave Sally a few days to recover from delivery and she went right into radical mastectomy surgery on that breast. The doctors said the cancer was extremely fast growing and the tumor was extremely large.  In those days, they absolutely mutilated the woman. Her body was taken down to her ribs and she was sliced under her arm down to her elbow.   There were no other treatments.  She was given very little hope.  She wore a hard rubber prosthesis that weighed about 8 pounds and a long line bra. Sally knew not one other person who had breast cancer that survived.

Two years later, Sally found a lump in her other breast.  Same prognosis.  Sally's parents moved to the small town where Sally lived as they believed they would have to raise their grandchildren.  Sally's other breast was removed by the same mutilating surgery.

The years went by.  Sally and her husband told no one other than immediate family.  Sally had no one to talk to about breast cancer, as no one talked about breast cancer in the 1950s and 1960s.  Sally's life went on.  She was still alive.  Her doctors were amazed.

Then Sally was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  The year was 1967.  Sally once again gathered all her strength and had surgery.  By this time, there were cobalt treatments which she endured.

My friend said Sally, her mom, was SO THRILLED when she discovered lightweight prosthesis in the late 1990s and prettier bras after wearing those heavy rubber prostheses and long line bras.

Sally died 6 months ago at age 92 from old age. Sally was a great gift to all her knew her.  I tell Sally's story because I believe those women set the stage for us.  When I think of what they had to endure, I can hardly bare it.

May Sally's memory help those who suffer so much as you are suffering now.

mnichols

SillieMe and Denise thanks so much for sharing your stories! Elise wondering how you are. Would you please post and let us know how you are doing?

Dafne

Elise, I just pray you feel even a little bit better. Would you post and let us know how you are?

Denise thank you so much for sharing the story of Sally. It's been godsend for me tonight.

Big hugs to you all.

TCurl114

Thank you.

BermudaRainbow

javamama love your attitude! You're the bomb chic

damazon

Change your attitude and remember you are talking to plastic surgeons, not medical doctors. Yes. Stage 3 and unfortunately, Grade 3 can be grim, but many of you can survive the fight longer. Heads up, forget about the breast, spend some money on Amoena stick on breasts and no one will be the wiser. The truth is all stage III breast cancers, approximately 33%, diagnosed at the late stage never die of cancer. Live long and prosper!

FLBuckeye93

I don't know where you are on your journey, but I too am thin and have had radiation. I may need a bmx. Three plastic surgeons were doubtful, but the Breast Center in NOLA has given me some hope. You may want to contact them.

Wishing you well and hope your spirits have lifted since you posted this.

pupmom

damazon, just read this thread and I have to correct something. Plastic Surgeons ARE medical doctors. They went through medical school, specializing in plastic surgery.

Meow13

I think she meant plastic surgeons are not oncologists.