Am I overreacting to stupid comments??

Bigdogzmama

I am sorry, but I am not just "getting a boob job to look like Dolly Parton"! I have CANCER! This is not what I want, to have no feeling in my breasts and always wonder if my SO still desires me. And if I say that I am packing to get ready to travel for my surgery and you say "boring", why am I the one who needs a chill pill??I am sorry, but I feel like my so-called friends are not treating me like a friend, but more like they don't know what to say to me. I understand that, but really, how hard is it to be empathetic to someone? It's hard enough to do this, then lose friends over it. I NEED my friends now and they are just not being there. My one friend keeps saying that I need to stop thinking about this all the time. Really??!!?? Like I want every minute of my day to be thinking about my cancer, surgery and treatment?? Any one else feel like this?? Or am I really crazy??

Blinkie

Bigdogzmama, I am so sorry you are having that experience. Unfortunately, I think it is not unusual.

I was disappointed how in a number of (so-called) friends responded to my first cancer diagnosis. On the other hand, some people I didn't know well really came through; they were ones who had first hand experience and were unafraid of talking about my situation.

There are some other threads on this site that you can check out where people share the stupid comments they have received. There is also one about the best things people have said. I got a lot out of reading what others had to say.

After tears and anger, my go-to is humor. I make up funny, snide responses to the stupid comments. Not sure I'll have the courage to use them. But I might.

You are not crazy and not alone.

Bonniebleu

Hi,

You aren't overreacting, and not crazy. You're hurting and feeling scared and fragile. I'm so sorry you're going through this😰

People (or friends) say these stupid things for many reasons...

A) They really don't know what to say and may be scared.

They think making light of it, cracking jokes keeps things from being too negative.

C) People don't "get it" unless they've gone through it themselves.

Take good care of you and surround yourself with only those who are supportive.

Wicked

Are you overreacting? Short answer- NO! We are a largely female office and I have co-workers who have said nothing to me at all- nothing. Not even a simple email saying, "I'm really sorry to hear that." That's all that's required. And they can't even do that! And don't get me started on the co-worker who informed me that "all that emotional stuff about breast cancer is no big deal." (She's never had it so of course has no idea what she's talking about!)

Lily55

No, one of the upsetting things for me is how no one ever knows what to say......not a single friend has really understood, they all belittle the experience in one way or another..........and I got sick of hearing about people who had it did treatment really positively, had recon and are just fine now..........

There is a study that says its the people who authentically emote throughout the cáncer experience who have the best outcome.......trust yourself

Beaglemama

totally get it! People act like such fools. I'm sorry you're going through this. No person deserves this sh$@!-show of cancer.

If I had a dime for every time someone told me "you're going to be fine", "well you know breast cancer is completely treatable these days" or "my friend/aunt/neighbor didn't have any side effects"... God, it irritates the hell out of me. Good luck with surgery and please pamper yourself and lean on your friends or family who will show loving kindness and carry you when you're feeling down... X

Bigdogzmama

If another person says, "well its only local".....I haven't even had surgery to know yet! And

'don't worry, you can have big boobs". Like cancer is the same as getting a breast augmentation! Like worrying every day, every minute is worth big boobs! Ugh!

mustlovepoodles

Bonniebleu hit the nail on the head.  People don't know what to say, so they say stupid sh*t.  I was really surprised that the ones I thought would have my back didn't, and the ones I didn't know well, did.  My 82yo mother was one of the worst.  She's an old RN--a labor & delivery nurse-- so she thinks that qualifies her to weigh in on everything cancer. Everything she knows about chemo she gleaned from her sister who had BC over 40 years ago. But don't let that stop her!  She loves to tell me stories of people she knows who had cancer and every one of these stories ends with "AND SHE DIED!" Thanks mom.  When my DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer last May and learned he would require a serious surgery, with debilitating side effects, mom had the audacity to say to me "What kind of joke can we make to get his mind off this?"  WHAT??  There is NOTHING funny about having cancer. 

Bigdogzmama, I've been at this for 15 months now. Outside of my home I keep up my game face because, frankly, nobody wants to see my pain.  I have had 3 surgeries, taken poisonous substances, lost my hair, had months and months of complications, gained weight, got a blistering case of PTSD, and now I look like a man because I have no breasts and my hair is 2" long.  Thanks, Cancer. Not a day goes by that I don't think about f*ing cancer, and none of those thoughts are funny.