When a friend has metastatic cancer

Outfield

After I finished treatment, a friend of mine was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Like friends had walked with me, I walked with her once a week all during her chemo. Recently she was diagnosed with recurrence, and I find myself being a shitty friend. I want to be there for her, but I get panicky thinking about her situation. I'm 6 years out from diagnosis; I feel like I should be able to handle this better.

How do you keep the panic at bay and shift your focus beyond yourself when something is triggering?

sbelizabeth

Outfield, the fact that you're asking the question means you're not a shitty friend.

I recently had to visit an orthopedic physician whose office was in the same building as my RO. There was no parking except for exactly where I parked for six weeks of rads, and I walked past the door I had entered to prepare for my daily zaps. For me, rads were the worst part of the whole rodeo. Later that same day, I had a meltdown--tears, snot, dripping mascara, the works. Thinking PTSD, I made an appointment to see a counselor.

He encouraged me to think about the days of victory during treatment. The day I was finished with chemo, the day I had reconstruction, each cancerversary I quietly celebrate. To think about the future and the good things it holds--for me, it's grandbabies, retirement, travel, and time with my family. All this was designed to condition my heart to feeling successful and well.

Maybe it would help for you to mentally list your own victories and future ambitions, and meditate on them before you see your friend. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, though, and I very much appreciate your desire to be there for her. Gentle hugs to you both.

SSInUK

Sbelizabeth, as so often I love what you wrote. That is beautiful: 'condition your heart to feeling successful and well' - and so wise, because why not enjoy life feeling that way unless and until you need to adjust? Outfield - I understand some of your trouble. When I was first diagnosed I was introduced to a local lady with a kid at my kids school who had I was told been through BC two years before. It was only on meeting her that I discovered to my shock she was stage 4 from the outset. To my shame I avoided her for ages, I just wanted to meet survivors not those who hadn't made it as I then thought of it. I felt shitty and selfish like you but I couldn't face her. But her gentle kindness & understanding of my path gradually got through to me and now she has become a dearly beloved friend. Firstly, she has given me in the end courage rather than fear. I see what she has achieved and i know stage 4 BC need not be immediate tragedy. Second, I have a sense that if I have to walk into that vale of fear there's a hand to hold. And thirdly, her diagnosis has receded in my mind - it's actually her I really like in the end, disease or no disease. Forgive yourself - give it time - and she will hopefully become herself again in your head, not a fearful symbol.