Can't cry, emotionally flat, lacking full range of emotions.....

karen1956

I don't really know how to explain this....I can't cry!!! Even when I need and want to cry, I can't cry!! This has been going on for years! I'm a 10 year survivor and for at least the past 7 or 8 years I've been emotionally flat!! After the cancer Dx and finishing Tx, I lost my job...the first time in my life....talk about a major insult to self-esteem. I'm still working in my field at a different school district, but I still struggle with the remnants of being fired. In regards to emotions, I feel anger, anxiety and frustration more than any other emotion....happy..yeah kind of sort of maybe!!! Some where, somehow something change and I feel like I can't unlock this part of me!!! I've seen therapist after therapist and tried accupuncture, hypnosis etc as well as psychiatrists and assorted Rx...so many different anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety and the list goes on. I just can't get to where I want to be and that is a full range of emotions and to be able to cry!!

Does anyone else feel this way? IF so, have you talked to your pcp or oncologist about this? I don't believe its just the lack of estrogen. Many women past menopause can cry and feel a range of emotions.

I'm at my whits end....I want resolution to this. I want to be a fully emotive person. I'm only 60, so way to young to feel this way or should I say, I have many more years of living and I want to feel!!!

Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? TIA

karen1956

bump.....I'm really hoping to get some feedback!! TIA

gracie22

I am not a crier either, though that was the case for me prior to diagnosis, so I guess that is just me. I have also read here and other places that a serious cancer diagnosis would eventually lead to some sort of tearful breakdown, either in or out of the doctor's office, but that did not happen--we are all different.

Since you are feeling emotions (anger, anxiety, some happiness), you're not really emotionally "flat"--that usually describes people who lack all emotions and are typically somewhat withdrawn. Avoiding tears may be your way of avoiding loss of control; serious illness does a number on our view of ourselves as autonomous adults, and something inside you simply does not want to go there. It may be self protective(?)

Many here have described their post diagnosis/treatment emotional issues as stemming from PTSD. I did relate to a lot of the info on PTSD; it can happen to anyone who has experienced a trauma, and you experienced several--diagnosis, treatment, job loss, damage to your self esteem and hopes for the future. Read a bit about that and see if it applies, and if you want to pursue it, talk to a therapist who has experience with cancer patients. People who have not dealt with serious disease really don't get the damage/uncertainty it causes; it is important to work with a doc or fellow travelers who do.

As for other things you can try...some people express their emotions and relieve their stress through a creative outlet or an engrossing hobby. Though it sounds simplistic, not all of us purge through tears.I wish you luck and happiness.

dlb823

Karen, have you talked to someone who specializes in PTSD? I'm not a psychologist, but I have a feeling that's what's affecting you, and if so, it might take someone highly experienced with PTSD to help. Along the same lines, I had read a book sometime after my first bc dx that I wish I could recall the name of. It's packed away in storage, but I'll do some research and see if I can remember it. It was a new way of dealing with PTSD -- not by going back and reliving all the bad stuff, but with other really emotion uncovering exercises to help you move forward, and I found it really helpful in learning to laugh again. Let me see if I can find the name for you and I'll stop back and add it here.

dlb823

Here it is! Found it much faster than I thought I would. Have you read it yet?

http://aliciasalzer.com/alicia-salzer-biography.ht...

karen1956

Thanks Deanna and Gracie.....I've seen 3 different psychiatrists and at 3 different psychologists......The one I'm seeing now is hinting of trauma from the diagnosis as well as job loss!!! But this guy wants me to ask my oncologist or pcp or gyn (which I don't have, so he said ask your pcp for a referral) to find out if it was related to the lack of estrogen...he kept pushing me on this and I kept saying its NOT just the lack of estrogen. I'm taking bupropion and xanax. I've really come to the conclusion that I have PTSD and it has not been treated properly.

Gracie...the reason I say flat is often I can't feel at all.....things that should affect me don't..its like its outside of me....and other times I feel like I want to cry but can't!! The most I can get is a few tears...

Deanne, I've not read that book...but I'm definitely going to check it out. Thanks so much.

Have a good week-end.

dlb823

Karen, I'm wondering if it would be helpful to find a psychologist who specializes in breast cancer (or at least oncology), so that they won't have to research and possibly not fully grasp the SEs that come along with our meds. That's a point that was made to me @ UCLA when I was first dx'd and they asked if I felt I needed counseling. I didn't, and I tried to assure them I had a friend who had recently used a wonderful Christian marriage counselor I could call if I did. But they stressed to me that a general psychologist isn't the same as one who specializes in oncology -- that we shouldn't have to explain the possible SEs of our meds, nor the lingering changes or sense of loss from our surgeries and other tx, or the always present (if only in the background) fear of recurrence, to someone who doesn't deal with it on a day-in-day-out basis. I don't know exactly where you live, but if you're in the Denver metro area, I would think CU might be your best bet to find a psych who specializes in oncology. (((Hugs)))

barbski60

I haven't cried either and I know what you mean by feeling flat. I started seeing a therapist 6 weeks ago and mentioned that I feel like crying after I see her even though we are not talking about anything that I think would trigger crying. I feel that eventually it will come out. If you are in the Denver area, I can give you her name.

karen1956

Deanna and Barb, I'm in Denver! Several years ago the Psychologist I saw was recommended by my cancer clinic and I don't think she quite hot it. Sure send me names. I'm going to check out the person in the link above.

My youngest left tonight and I so wanted to cry. But instead it comes out as anxiety. She is doing a year abroad. I'm so excited for her but I'm so going to miss her...damn why can't I cry!!!!

karen1956

Deanna.....The Denver library has it so I put a hold on it to come to the library near me. Thanks so much. Karen

karen1956

bump

mike3121

Results of PET scan. Cancer has returned two places in spine. Tamoxifen stopped working. DAMN!

I just want to add a quick comment. I am a combat wounded Vietnam Veteran with PTSD. One of the most effects we suffer is the "flat effect." Lack of emotion on a wide range of subjects. In my case I didn't even know I had it until I had counseling. Good luck with your struggle.

My wife's BC history. My wife refuses to use the internet, well except for Amazon and Ebay.

My wife, back in Dec of 2012 was diagnosed with Stage 4 ER+ PR+ HER2-breast cancer. One node and a small spot on the spine. After 3 infusions of AC she was clean except for the 6 cm tumor in her breast. The oncologist said since the cancer was responding well to estrogen blocker (aromasin) it was best to leave it be. Ops forgot to mention in the midst of all this cancer stuff she had to have removed a grapefruit sized and very painful non-cancerous ovarian cyst.

A little over a year later, Nov 2014, the cancer morphed and went crazy. She had a radical mastectomy and breast removal. A biopsy showed it to be ER+ and the oncologist prescribed tamoxifen. 19 lymph nodes were removed and 9 of the 19 had triple negative Metaplastic keratinized squamous carcinoma. A PET scan done after the surgery showed some cancer still in her armpit, probably spill over from the nodes. She has two cancers, one ER+ PR+ HER2- and another triple negative. She went back on A-C (lifetime amount), no Taxol as she almost died from it earlier. Almost died from NeuLasta too. Also 7 weeks of radiation.

After all that she had to have major surgery to remove a tumor from her kidney. Eighty five percent were cancerous but hers was benign.

chicopeach57

I feel just a little flat too. I can cry about some things and not others. I feel like I look at death differently now. Two friends lost parents this week and my reaction is more like 'it sucks, happens to all of us, been there done that'. Does anyone else feel almost casual about death

ElaineTherese

chicopeach,

I don't feel "casual" about death, but I think I fear it less. I'm a regular reader of the "Death and Dying" Thread, and Longtermsurvivor's posts have really altered my perspectives on death. It's a part of life, and I have been forced to think about it earlier (age 46) than many people. But, having thought about it now, I can say that it's just a natural part of living.

AuntKitten

I'm feeling more lost than flat. I quit my job the week before I found out I had Breast Cancer, so locating a new job hasn't been an option.  My boyfriend left me 1/2 through chemo saying I had changed and he didn't love me anymore.  I only have 3 weeks of radiation left.  I feel lost not sure what to do next.  I know I need a job and I'm trying to make plans for 2017 but I just feel like I'm missing something.  

chicopeach57

Aunt Kitten, that is tough times. Just get through radiation then regroup. Good luck

karen1956

Aunt Kitten....its one day at a time....yes, we change through this whole ordeal!!! I'm not the same person I was before diagnosis and its 10 years since I finished active treatment. Be sure to take care of yourself. Hugs to you.