Dating as a Stage 4

BellaTassie15

How have other single ladies gone about dating and forming new romantic relationships after being diagnosed as stage 4? I was diagnosed de novo July last year and finally felt physically and emotionally well enough to start back online dating this month. I've only met one guy so far and disclosed my diagnosis on the second date. He took it well and was prepared to explore dating with me but after a third date I decided I truly wasn't attracted to him so did not see him again.

I would love to have a relationship again but am not looking for a carer, which I made abundantly clear to the gentleman. However I was surprised by his response, which was to say that it is the man's right to choose to stay or not when I became sick, he would not want to be pushed away. I said I felt bad going into a new relationship knowing I have little chance of a healthy or long term future, but he said there are no guarantees for anyone, and leave it to the man to decide. I am 51 and have adult children who live independently.

Has anyone else started dating as at our stage and formed a loving relationship

NineTwelve

Hi, Bella. One of the better side-effects of aging is that we become more aware of others, less self-centered with the years. I think this may be particularly true of men, since they are socialized to be more egocentric than women (generally speaking). It sounds like the man you went out with was trying to say that a relationship is not about one person, even if that person has a serious illness. It is about two people, working together, throwing in everything they have. (It is more work than I want to do, and that is why I'm not looking for a new relationship. This may be something to consider: would you ever use your illness as an excuse not to be with someone? Are you possibly hiding behind it, to keep from getting hurt?)

After 50, I think it's kindasorta true that everyone has something. Even if it's not their own health, it's someone in their family they are helping to care for. So it's likely the men you will meet have an insight into states of disability, into loss, into grief and anger and fear. We start to realize that we are all mortal. Stage IV's know that better than most, but most people are well aware that they will be ill sometime and their partner will be ill and we will all eventually die.

I haven't dated anyone new since my diagnosis, but I have reconnected with an old boyfriend. He has been completely unfazed by my altered form, and that has helped me accept the changes in my body. As for the changes in my mind and heart, those things are still evolving. I don't know who I'm becoming, but I am growing and changing and I feel that I am really alive now. Life is wonderful. You never know who is going to be attracted to the new energy in your life. I say, go forward with an open heart. You know what you want and you can make it happen with the right combination of effort and will.

Get out there, and good luck.

ETA: I should say that some of us become less self-centered with age - didn't mean to dis the young, who can be wonderfully sensitive and compassionate.

pteney

Hi - I remembered reading some interesting posts in the topic called

Topic: Have any of you found love after your diagnosis and treatment?

I don't know how to make a link but there are over 4,000 posts to read. Hope it helps