"You're all better now!" Pressure & acting as if...

Bonniebleu

It never happened.

-Had BMX 3 months ago. Currently going through reconstruction with tissue expanders. Tamoxifen started but dose too high so taking a week off per dr.

Is this common for other women going through this? It's just my husband and I (I have two grown daughters), but I'm getting the feeling that my hubby is sick of hearing anything about it, tries to tell me how I should feel😡

Anonymous

Hi Bonniebleu, sorry you are going through this but you are in the best place to find support and ears that hear you and know what you are going through.

Understand that this is all new to DH and he has to go through it without "going through it". Try and be patient with him as he is just doing what he hopes will help and probably feels, though he won't admit it, helpless.

When you are in need of support come to these threads and post, read, rant, whatever you want and it will probably help you to overlook or accept DH's attempts to make you feel better.

Bonniebleu

thanks patoo : ) BCO has been my lifesaver!

I know should start going to a BC support group, but the closest one I have found requires almost an hour of driving. 😜

Lisey

I had a BMX in june, then 2 weeks later another surgery to remove the TEs (because I was horrified by the thought of what they were doing to my body and they hurt like hell) and basically had to start over healing. My main best friend, who was my drain caretaker called me 4 days past surgery and when I told her I was in pain told me 'she was over my surgeries and I just needed to buck up and heal'. I wasn't offended at all, and just laughed. My other girlfriend would call me and nurture me and coddle me asking me to take more meds and take it easy. Some people just have a low tolerance for complaining. I'm one of them actually, so totally understood that my tolerance for negativity is 'only so much' and I'd be rolling my eyes at myself as well - even though my pain was real and legitimate. I'm now 6 weeks out and feel nearly 99% back to myself. I love both women.

I guess we just need to understand that different people have different tolerances for nurturing and dealing with negative emotions/pain, and give some grace and charity to those folks as well. See it for what it is and not take it personally.

debiann

BCO is a great support group. You can vent all you want and get questions answered without driving an hour.

You have been through a traumatic event. It is completely normal to not feel like yourself yet. You can look up info on post traumatic stress and cancer to learn more.

Your family needs to be aware that you are going through a process, similar to the grieving process. It takes time to heal.

Husbands are in a difficult position. They like to fix things and this is one thing they can't fix.

Good luck to both of you.

3bears

I do find this whole cancer thing sucks. Husbands have a hard time dealing with it all. I'm only 2 weeks post op. I had a bilateral mastectomy. I'm still uncomfortable. I just want life to go back to being what it was before my diagnosis. My breasts weren't perfect but I liked them. I wish my husband knew how to help me better. When I'm sad or cry he stiffens up and hides in another room. He would rather ignore problems than deal with them. It's extremely frustrating. And it hurts me so much. I can't imagine I'll feel like going on a beach vacation in May but he and my 2 kids will go without me if I'm not up to it. That hurts too. Didn't I already have enough to deal with before all this? Marriage is hard enough as it is without throwing breast cancer into the mix. What if its more than we can bare? Anybody ever feel like this

edwards750

3bears - I think they are just scared. They are so used to us taking care of them - and everything else for that matter. Now it's their turn to be the cheerleader and some of them can't handle it.

My DH has always depended on me to take care of things so I managed to keep my game face on the whole time. I didn't want to scare him or my kids - esp my youngest son so I saved my crying jags and fears for my friends. They were godsends.

You need him now more than ever so try and get him to talk to you about how he feels and you feel.

Diane

iz1999

hello 3bears, I finished treatment last December, my husband, daughter and son were so great, once I was done everything changed, they expect me to "go back to normal" like nothing happened, my daughter already abandoned me, just don't want to hear it anymore, my husband is next in line, I know he just feels sorry for me and that hurts, I know that after 31 years married is just a matter of time before he leaves, he would never go anywhere without me, and know he's going out of state to visit his family, he did mentioned that he just might stay there, he said it was a joke but I know he means it. My son is the only one left and I know that he will leave too, he is young and has to live his own life. I did not tell my family about my cancer, just have been in isolation since March 17, 2016. Can't work, too many lingering side effects, not to mention the depression and anxiety attacks. I can't say I completely understand how you feel because we are all different but I have a good idea. So sorry for venting but am very sa

MTwoman

iz1999, I am so sorry that you are going though such a dark time alone. Depression and anxiety attacks are NOT a part of bc. When women experience these things they should be treated, as depression keeps you from being able to fully heal and move forward in your life and anxiety is just awful! Please consider talking to your doctor about medications and perhaps a counselor to talk to about how your life/family/self have been changed by your cancer journey. It sounds like no one really knows how to act or what to do, and if you have a better idea of what you want from them/need from them, and are able to express that, it might be helpful to everyone. ((hugs))

iz1999

hello mtwoman, thank you for your kind words, I have talked to my family especially my husband, but like I said, they just want me to "get over it" and I just can't, don't know how. I am taking medication and seeing a counselor, but is not helping, she tells me it will take time to heal. I never had anxiety attacks I started having them during my chemo. I lost my brother to cancer, I was always patient and never left him, stayed with him until the end. That's the reason I don't understand why my family is tired of me

MTwoman

Oh my, iz1999, are you sure they are tired of you? have they actually said that? it sounds to me more like, now that the actual treatment phase has ended, they want to try and return to "business as usual", but are not sure what that looks like now, and so, are adrift. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, and she's right, it takes time to heal. The physical part can be managed by your medical team, the emotional part takes much longer and is something that you must do, mostly yourself (with support from your counselor and others, like us here). I hope that you begin to find peace on your journey back to yourself.

Rudekremlincat

I'm nearly 4 years from first bc, nearly 2 from 2nd. I also have developed SEVERE IBS-D and after our dog bit me, an unusable left hand. That was May 7, 2017. Infection is gone but now its autoimmune problem called complex regional pain syndrome.

This morning my husband was angry with me and my "self pity." But I think I've been pretty stoic.

I've been sick from stress all day. I think I need to take some time off, but I just feel helpless and lost. I don't know what to do next

edwards750

Words can't describe how angry these attitudes about BC are. We don't have colds and by the way we didn't ask for this. It was an unlucky draw.

It's really sad that when the tables are turned they can't handle what ails us. What if we felt that way with them when they needed us?

It's shameful. I can understand their fears but I won't condone their lack of love and compassion. They are angry it's happening and maybe they somehow blame us for getting BC to begin with.

The good thing is you can reach out to people who are there for you outside your family. I was blessed to have a few friends who were godsends. My family didn't desert me but when I went through my dark time it was those friends I relied on to keep me sane and positive.

This website was my lifeline from the getgo. No one knows better than us how you feel.

Keep the faith.

Diane

Hopeful82014

I honestly think some of this also stems from a belief that no one dies from breast cancer anymore. Sure, treatment s**cks but then you're over it - sort of like an appendectomy. People cross you off their list of concerns and expect one to just get back in the swing of things as though cancer was just a momentary detour. This isn't the case with all those friends or family members but I do think it is in play with many of them.