Advice

Sam13

My wife of 30+ years was recently diagnosed with BC. She is a naturalized citizen and English is a second language for her. She understands and speaks our language almost better than I do, but does not read or write it very well. Because of that, I have done all the research about her condition. The more I learn, the more I understand how bad her prognosis may be. She is 54 y/o, stage II, IDC, er-/pr-/HER2+. She just had surgery to remove a 2.1 cm tumor (grade 3) along with a sentinel node biopsy where they removed 3 lymph glands, one of which was positive for cancer (we got that pathology report 2 days ago). Up to this point, I thought she had a really, really good chance of beating this thing and it not coming back. Given the aggressive nature of her cancer, I'm not so optimistic about her long-term survivability anymore. Should I tell her and our kids everything I've learned? I feel like they have a right to know, but I want them to stay positive and don't want to freak them out. We meet with her onc next Friday to lay out her treatment plan, so I suspect she'll learn most everything then anyway. They have already told us she will need chemo, hormone therapy, radiation treatments and that everything will last a year or more.

ElaineTherese

Hi Sam13!

Actually, no, your wife's prognosis is not as bad as you think. She does have HER2+ cancer, and that used to produce some of the worst outcomes in Breast Cancer Land. However, with the advent of targeted therapies like Herceptin and Perjeta, her prognosis is actually not that much different than someone who has the most common form of breast cancer (ER+PR+HER2-). For someone who is Stage II, survival rates at the five year mark are typically around 93%.

Yes, your wife will get a lot of treatment -- surgery, chemo, radiation, and targeted therapy. And, yes, the Herceptin goes on for a year. HER2+ cancer truly involves a marathon and not a sprint. But, if she just takes it one step at a time, before you know it, treatment will be over.

So, I would be optimistic if I were you. (P.S. She won't be getting hormonal treatment if she is ER-PR-.)

Best wishes!

Sam13

Elaine,

Thanks for your positive words. I have read a ton about breast cancer since her diagnosis and understand that there is a lot of outdated material out there. I also realize this is very much an individualized disease with many variables which affect the prognosis. It's just that several of my wife's factors push the long-term prognosis in the wrong direction. I'll stay positive, but wonder how many of the details should be shared with her and my kids.

Luckynumber47

I would not tell your wife and kids what you have read. Hope is one of the most important tools in your arsenal. Don't take that away from your family. Just tell the kids that mom has a serious disease and their help is greatly appreciated. Answer their questions but you don't need to share everything. Your kids just want to feel like everything's going to be fine, and worrying isn't going to change any outcome.

You might have read the odds but your wife isn't a statistic. Many, many have survived long term with far worse odds. No one has a crystal ball so who knows where this will go. (And I agree, the odds are in your favor) Besides, your wife probably already assumes she's going to die from this, probably tomorrow and in a very painful, terrible way. Well, at least that's how I felt. You need to be her cheerleader, assuring her she will still have a long, happy life and help her get through the long haul of treatments. Help her focus on every positive morsel you can find.

The knowledge you've gained by reading will be helpful when you meet with the MO. Youll be able to ask informed questions and understand exactly what is being recommended and why.

One thing that I think is very important is letting your wife talk about her feelings all she needs too. Cancer diagnosis shakes us to our very soul and the more we can talk about it the easier it is to understand and cope with.

Sam13

Thanks for your advice Lucky,

That is the approach I've taken up to this point. I'm generally big on over-communicating, but in this situation I think stressing everyone else out with all the details seems like it would be counterproductive. That is why this site is so invaluable. I can come here and read about what is ahead and ask questions when I don't understand something. Right now, I'm trying to learn everything I can about minimizing her side effects from chemo. I'll have plenty to ask the onc doc when we see him again on Friday.

Luckynumber47

Sam13, your wife is lucky to have you and I'm sure you'll be able to provide lots of support over the coming months. Good luck at the appt on Friday.