Body Image after surgery

Blueorange

I really liked my breasts...the size, shape, everything. Now I can't even look at them. I had my bmx with tissue expanders on the 8th. I am completely mutilated, lumpy, bruised, stitched...in constant varying levels of pain, pressure and nausea. This is worse than I expected.

Feeling just awful😑. Hoping for better soon

exbrnxgrl

blueorange,

You are still very early on in the process, since the surgery was quite recent. I too was very happy with my breasts and simply asked my ps to make the recon look as close to my natural state as possible. I did not have TE's, as I had one step implants, but things looked pretty bruised and banged up for a while. I also understand that TE's look different and may be uncomfortable, compared to your final implants. Please give it more time and speak to your ps about pain/nausea. Best wishes.

Jenwith4kids

I'm sorry you are so sad. It took a really long time to feel good about my body again. I think the best thing to do is to put your feelings about it in a box on a shelf somewhere and let nature do it's thing. That's hard to do - and if someone had told me that 2.5 years ago I'm not sure I'd believe them. My surgery was in 2/14 - TE's. then chemo, rads and waiting 6 months after rads to get my implants which was in April 2015. That surgery was almost as fun as going to the hospital to have my babies!! LOL! It's such a good feeling to get rid of those implants. Then, I still didn't get back into exercising or feeling good about myself until early 2016. I don't remember when it was, but I do remember glancing in the mirror and saying to my husband, "wow - they are starting to look normal again". In April, 2016 I went to a new bra store - got fitted and VaVaVoom - a good bra made all the difference in the world!! I haven't gotten nipples yet but I bought temporary tattoos at that bra store. Freaked out my husband - he did a double take when he saw me naked that day.

So, long story short - be kind to yourself. This ordeal takes a good 6-12 months out of our lives - and full emotional recovery can take 18-24 months. Hard to understand while you are in it, but maybe reading my story helped a little???

Big hugs to you!!

Jen

Meow13

I had DIEP and I felt like Frankenstein's bride. Now after 4 years you can barely see the scars. I'm happy with outcome. I still need tatoo because the 2 attempts I had faded into oblivion.

Blueorange

frankenbreasts!

Thank you for your comments and stories. They do help.

😊

Novmoon

I had same surgery in July, blueorange, and thinking the same thing but getting better. Just had final fill last Thursday and still.so sore. Appreciate the comments of the other gals and hopefully we too shall see brighter days. Find out chemotherapy decision on Wednesday.

Meow13

blue orange, I was at La fitness one day after swimming. I guess I accidentally used the wrong hook in the shower. Well this middle aged very overweight lady was upset with me and I peeked out of shower to apologise for the mistake she did a huge oh my God gasp seeing my scars 6 months after surgery. You know I couldn't believe her response even with scars my body looked pretty damn good at 128 pounds.

phbr66

Sometimes people suck! I think this whole experience is partly to teach me who really matters and make me a better person when I see or hear something shocking. I have had some really horrible things said to me when I've told people I have breast cancer. The more I see and talk with people the more I realize only those who have walked this journey truly understand. Blessings to you. You are beautiful and worthy!

bikefam

Wow, Meow. How rude. Since my mastectomy and various reconstruction surgeries, I've done a pretty good job of keeping covered up at the gym or the pool. I don't want to be embarrassed by having bc scars, but I don't want to have the reaction you had. Especially with young girls who are just finishing up swim practice when I get there. Has anyone else had this kind of experience, good or bad?

Seraphima

I almost feel bad talking about any issues since I just had a lumpectomy and not a mastectomy. And I feel like if I comment on the shape I was left with, it might offend someone else who had a lumpectomy. I don't know how similar we all might be, or not.

But I am still shocked when I see myself in the mirror. I'm almost 3 weeks from my first surgery. The second one he took more tissue, and what was a rectangular breast (no more nipple since I had Paget's) is now a rectangle with a bite taken out of it, lopsided and rather pointed at the outer corner. Puckered, bruised, two different sets of stitches meeting up. Bleeding here and there. It looks awful.

I had kept myself covered and never let my husband see me after the first surgery. After the second, the nurse told me to get dressed and left me alone with him, so he had to help a little and saw it. He was shocked. The only word I remember was "deformed". I can't bring myself to be undressed in front of him.

Ah ... I thought it bothered me just a tiny bit, but to be honest, it's bringing tears to my eyes to write this. I guess it's good to get in touch with feelings. I couldn't imagine being in a gym or anywhere where anyone might see me, outside of the medical setting.

I hadn't thought I'd want any surgery to repair anything, but I don't know. I really doubt I'd be covered for it. And with pain and limitation and risks that come with surgery, it's probably not wise. I guess I have to find a way to feel better about it.

Seraphima

Actually, I thought about what I said here, not knowing if we all look the same after a lumpectomy. So I went searching for images. I've looked and looked, and I'm starting to wonder if what I received WAS a lumpectomy. My surgery was nothing like any of the images I found. I also read a lumpectomy is typically 3-4 cm. I haven't measured my incision (skin curves in and out anyway) but I think it's around 7". But they left tissue - I have a flap of breast. So it's not a mastectomy. I can't find any photo that looks like mine.

doxie

Seraphima,

Because you lost your nipple and areola, you got a partial mastectomy, not an LX. I had a partial too because my tumor was beside the nipple under the areola, but not Pagets. You should be covered for reconstruction with this surgery, where it may not be so with LX. Hopefully your surgery was correctly coded for insurance.

I had a BS reconstruct a nipple and tattoo an areola. Because I didn't request a fat injection, my breast is still shaped like a small mesa. But, that was my choice as I didn't want more scar tissue hiding a recurrence. Just my paranoia. Overall, my breast looks good for the reconstruction I had.

bikefam

Seraphima, I had two lumpectomies before I had a mastectomy. The first was a 1 x 4 cm and the second was 1 cm around all edges. So I had a pretty big divot, especially on a small A cup. I was pretty deformed looking. I never really got a chance to worry about it, because they didn't get clean margins and a week later, the whole breast came off. I am blessed that my husband was with me 100% of the way, and saw me and helped me through every step (7 surgeries, counting reconstruction). Before this, he was never very compassionate, but this whole experience changed him. Maybe give your husband time. Also, maybe a consultation with a plastic surgeon just to know what your options are. Insurance is supposed to cover reconstruction, if they cover mastectomies. I would think a lumpectomy is the same. Check it out.

Anonymous

I had both--lumpectomy first, then a BMX/immediate recon. I also have a very visible port scar. Also scars from a pheochromocytoma tumor I had removed in 2007. So my torso is rather scarred up in places. I am actually kind of proud of them, because to me those signify survival and thrive-vival. After I had some fat injected in my breasts a year after the BMX my breasts look pretty good, and as my PS said, I'll have the boobs of a 16 year old my whole life now...wink.

I don't cover up at the gym or the yoga studio when I'm changing. I figure someone might ask me about my scars--barely noticeable anyway--and I can tell them my story, and it might help them in some way. I do think people are paying much more attention to their own bodies than staring at others, and I'm guessing even though I've been naked in dressing rooms for years now, no one has even noticed all my scars. They are too worried about their own perceived shortcomings in their own bodies.

I think you'll come in time to appreciate your new set. I'm still sad at times about loss of sensation, but I'm more happy about feeling like I gave myself a better chance at living longer by going forward with my BMX. To me, that feeling trumps everything else about stupid c.

Claire

Seraphima

Thanks for the info.

I looked it up again online, and yes, it's a partial mastectomy that shows a few images somewhat like mine. I still feel more deformed-looking than those images, but maybe it won't be so bad once the incision heals. Scars don't bother me so much. The shape ..... Ah that is going to take some getting used to. Yes, it's kind of like a Mesa-breast, except now with a BIG bite taken out of the middle that leaves two points on each side, with the outer one especially noticeable. I am afraid I'm going to look like I have one normal breast and two small misshapen ones fused together. I am not sure I'll ever undress in the gym.

My husband is more understanding since the second surgery. He never has been very compassionate about such things before. Maybe it will help him too. I'm sure this pretty much shocked him like it all did me. Maybe more so. I've had a suspicion for a long time it could be cancerous, and I never wanted to tell him. So it was maybe less of a shock to me. His mother is also very sick right now and he's worried about losing her too, though they are not close.

I don't know about to coding. EVERYTHING says lumpectomy, and I never knew there was anything other than total mastectomy and "whatever-I-had". I'm not sure in the end if I would opt for any reconstruction. I guess we will wait and see how everything else goes and give me time to adjust.

But for now, no one sees me naked except the medical staff.

Thanks so much for the replies!

Seraphima

Maybe ... I will just tell people it was almost bitten off by a shark. Or a bear. Or heck, I think I'll go with dragon!

Meow13

Seraphima, maybe you could get a plastic surgeon to evaluate possible fixes. They can do quite a bit with fat grafting. I am losing weight and my DIEP side is looking a little misshapen. It might fix it self but I might go back for more fat grafting. Insurance will pay for any fix ups.

Seraphima

Thank you, Meow.

I might do that. I am sure it can be much improved. I guess I'm still working through how I feel about it and I'll have to consider risks of surgery. I had never had any surgery before, so at least I'm not so terrified of just not waking up anymore. Though I'm still thinking about pain I have (which is also better) and wondering about any increased risk of lymphedema. I guess there's a lot to weigh into the decision. But I hadn't considered it at all before. I will give myself some time (must get through rads first anyway), and think about it.

Thank you.

Meow13

Plenty of time, one of my friends waited 15 years after her mastectomy. She saw that my surgery and recovery was good so she did it. She did well, she also has MS but things went ok.

doxie

Seraphima,

Please consider seeing a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast reconstruction. She can walk you through the options and help with what insurance will cover. There is no rush. I had reconstruction almost 2 years after my first BC surgery. I wanted to give time for the radiated breast to heal.

I didn't mind the shape of my breast after surgery as much as the loss of the nipple and areola. Every time I saw that breast in the mirror, I had a reminder of BC. Now that the tattooed areola has faded to match my natural one, I don't notice the BC side and my thoughts don't turn to BC. One of the best things I did for myself.

Seraphima

Thanks, Doxie. I can understand not wanting a constant reminder. It still shocks me every time I see myself in the mirror, and I wasn't sure yet how that reaction will change after time.

I think, really, I am too newly out of surgery for me to be evaluating myself in terms of "body image after surgery". My stitches are still in. So I don't think my opinion has much value in the question yet, but I do appreciate the responses to me here and the opportunity to work through it a bit and make some plans for dealing with it more later.

I hope I haven't hijacked the thread. Thank you all.

doxie

I don't think you hijacked the thread at all.

Seraphima

Thank you, Doxie.