BC and Eating Disorders

CrawfordsMommy

I've been treated for eating disorders most of my life. In spite of this, I've lived a pretty full and happy existence. I do think a little "strangely" which runs in my family - my nephews both think outside the box, and so does my brother, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. however we have always been oddball but productive people. And some of us suffer from body dysmorphia and ED.

My ED has trashed many of my organ systems and it's ruined my body but here I am, going through bc and chemo anyway. It's like adding insult to injury. I'm more upset that I have to see doctors all the time, get into a car and have to drive it without getting lost or faffing off to another state, get shoved into machines, and spend time driving to hospitals, than get put through surgeries and take chemo. Loss of my breasts did not feel like a trauma. Loss of my hair, to me, was just kind of funny. Chemo did feel traumatic, the first time around. After that it was just a thing I had to do. Brought my devices to keep me entertained, joked with the nurses, went home and took my meds and kept on top of any SEs with magic mouthwash and whatnot. Generally went back to my walks, bike rides, running and other exercise as soon as I felt like it.

I cried when I watched "Orange is the New Black" and Pennsyltucky talks about pain vs. suffering. Everybody has some degree of pain. It's our choice how much we suffer from it. I chose not to let myself suffer too much through my treatment. I have been through enough trauma in my life as a young child and at this point in my existence I refuse to let myself suffer from this thing too much. My life is pretty good, I have a super support network that accepts and handles (and sometimes gently steers me away from my crazy). A husband who's crazy with me. He's like me - the good kind of crazy, most of the time. Neighbors who are crazy. I live in a crazy town and I'd never want to leave this wonderful weird place.

As for the ED, I'm back on with a program due to being underweight. I think so far I haven't said much that makes any sense, but I blame the chemo brain. I'm back to eating some plant-based and homemade foods. My heart, kidneys, liver, and lungs are hanging in there although the steroids have bumped my blood sugar up a little. Today my mom will help me make some mild veggie soup and before chemo I made some chana dal with brown rice. She has finally stopped trying to shove pot roast and meatloaf down my throat immediately post-chemo (which is hard for me because I freak out when I see a weight gain). Things happen, we must work through them. My heart goes out to the non-neurotypical folks here. We don't always think alike, but our pain and problem solving is valid and should be acknowledged even if we have a slightly different approach to looking at things.

exbrnxgrl

Crawfordsmommy,

One of my daughters has struggled with bulimia for many years, though she is doing well since she had a child. Clearly, this is not the same as your situation, but it allows me to understand what you're going through a bit better. Take good care of yourself

CrawfordsMommy

AN restricting type here - I am the sort who will just stop eating - very very bad for the organs in the long run and mine aren't happy. It stems from trauma in childhood and PTSD, plus a family history/tendency. It nearly killed me. I still want to lose weight even though I'm not supposed to, especially right now even though I've got a whopping case of steroid belly that ruins my normally beanpole appearance. I will pretend to eat, throw the food away, pretend I cooked something for myself, say I have bad nausea, etc. etc. etc.

Oddly enough I don't like to purge although I've also been known to cs entire meals (cs is chew and spit) and I'm very sneaky at that too.

It is a brain disorder, not anything that can be reasoned with, and not something that you can just say "Oh shut up and eat a sandwich!" and it's fixed. The other fun side effect is the suicidal tendencies and the tendencies to "run away" (I have driven past the hospital so many times and tried to go to the airport that my family insists on driving me to my appointments now).

I know all this is very weird and none of this makes sense to a rational person. I have lived with it my whole life, well since I was like 11, and I know that it's all irrational.

Elvin

Hi, that's the first time I write something instead just reading... Maybe because this is one of the hardest part of this cancer story for me.

I have AN since over 2 years now and this was added to my chronic depression+anxiety and ADHD. First just restricted type, after that a very short bulimic + CS time and finally exercise abuse. Actually during exercise time I was able to eat and also got help from a dietitian to re-learn eating. I mostly run and did pilates. I even became a crazy runner and participated to several races. I run myself to death also to deal with all the stress and emotional pain, anxiety and sometimes also self harm purposes...

The day I got the first diagnosis and was told I need immediate surgery the first thought was "I will lose some weight when they take the tumor, can't they make a double mastectomy?". Sounds pretty stupid maybe...

When the chemo started my MO told me she wants that I gain weight. For me that was nothing I could do... since the surgery I still couldn't run... they placed a port just before the second AC cycle, so again sport was not an option.

I wished to have bad side effects like diarrhea and vomiting. But nothing from them.

I continued and still continue to limit my eating and try to run every day I can. I didn't gain on the scale but the weight is changing day to day due to edema. But I know that even my weight is not more my muscles are less and fat is more ((((((((((

Every chemo day is terrible stressful since they weight me! And since I'm on weekly Taxol now this happens every week.... I freak out even for a gain that's less then 1 kg and can't eat all day and just cry and sleep...

I cut down all salt since getting cortisone before taxol. So the food I eat get less and more boring every day.

I'm so terrified to take tamoxifen and gain weight with no end... I still want to lose but can't tell anyone... I want to eat sometimes but if I do I feel terrible guilty afterwards and eat even less. I feel like have eaten so so much during the day but if I try to be honest I realize it was not much.

Everyone says they can't understand me, I should eat to get better, stay strong, beat the cancer, have a son so should think about the future as well. This is the body screaming and warning you to take care of it and love it. I know they are saying correct things but I hate myself and my body. I dream to get an infection, get diarrhea, lose several kilograms etc.... Actually I have an infection right now and my chemo for tomorrow is postponed to Monday. I didn't care to wear the mask in crowd and run 10km every day until got ill... Now I can't do anything...

I'm so tired to fight with myself about food, to make myself eat, the guilt, the fear, the panic... I don't know how to get over this

A lot of the time I just wish to die...

exbrnxgrl

Elvin,

As the mother of someone who dealt with an ED (bulimia, cs,and self injury), I hear what you're saying as well feel your pain. I am not a therapist or professional in the ED field, but just wanted you to know that I understand what is incomprehensible to most people. This may be a silly question, but are you bring treated for your ED? My dd also has a son. She finally found an amazing therapist who she sees twice weekly and has helped more than anything ever has. I hope the same for you.

Elvin

thank you for your reply. Yes, I have a therapist and was in therapy. Actually need to continue but it's now it's nearly impossible since it's far from home with a lot driving and costs too much. I just went through a divorce and moved out with my son (at the beginning of my chemo) so now it's finally not so good time to spend money for therapy. Actually I don't have the extra money. I hope the financial situation gets better soon....

Elvin

Crawfordsmommy, are you afraid to relapse or getting other primary cancer after being treated because continue to starve the body? Sometimes I'm afraid... but that only helps me to eat 1-2 days more... then the stupid voice takes over...

CrawfordsMommy

I have gained a few pounds from chemo and steroids and they say I should keep it on, but I am praying for relapse of the AN because I hate feeling fat. But it isn't good for my body.