My wife was diagnosed I feel helpless

Drakkenfyre

My wife was just diagnosed yesterday during her post op visit. We are both still reeling. She meets her plastic surgeon tomorrow and oncologist Monday. She has decided to get a double mastectomy. Hopefully when we meet the oncologist and she has more tests we will know how bad the cancer is. Right now I'm trying to be there for her but I feel so lost.

Smurfette26

Sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis Drakkenfyre. You will find amazing support and a wealth of information here. Stay away from Google.

Your feelings and fears are absolutely normal and valid. You are in the most difficult place right now. It does get easier once a treatment plan is in place.

Thinking of you both. Donna.

hanley50

Drakkenfyre - I'm sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. Right now you are doing all you can do and just being there for her is what she needs right now.

Once she finds out what type of breast cancer and has a plan of treatment in place things will feel different. Please keep us updated! You have come to a great place for support and information.

Maryann

Drakkenfyre

Thank you so much I appreciate it.

Nancy2581

Drakkenfrye I am so sorry to hear about your wife's diagnosis. The beginning is just awful. It's like someone pulled the rug out from you. I think I was in shock. The first few months were very difficult, but it gets better. I had to do chemo which I did not want to do, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. As others have mentioned it does get better once you know what you're dealing with and you have a treatment plan in place. I can see by just you posting here that you will be a strong support system for your wife. That is what she needs right now.

Hang in there

Nancy

eggroll

Suggest affirming words like "You can do this." And maybe planning a trip or something big she can look forward to... hang in there.

tsoebbin

One of the best things my husband did was he came ready for our first appointment with the surgeon. I had no ididea he had looked at the breastcancer.org website and had questions , good questions , for our surgeon . It really showed me how much he cared, and how important I was to him.

Hugs to you. It gets better after you know exactly what you're dealing with.

KDs-Husband

Drakkenfrye,

I am so sorry that y'all have to deal with this, but I am extremely encouraged that you have found this great community so soon. We are all here, not just for ourselves, but for each other.

My wife, KD, was diagnosed in Feb. this year. I know exactly how you feel right now.

My very first suggestion to you is to BREATHE!!! In fact, there is a wonderful song by Jonnie Diaz entitled "Breathe" that helped me get through those first couple of months.

Come back often and let us know what else y'all find out.

Y'all can do this, really, y'all can. Your wife is lucky to have you there for her. Remember, in all of this, you will be her best Advocate.

edwards750

A BC DX is a shock. We have all been there, done that. You and your wife are in the early stages of the fear factor. Trust us it does get better once you have answers for the unknowns.
It sounds like your wife has already decided what surgery she wants. Did her Dr advise her? It's her call of course, just wondering.
Let us know the specifics and we will try and help. We aren't doctors but we can definitely share our experiences.
This website was my lifeline. Just so you know I will be 5 years out this month. The first milestone.
Keep the faith.

Diane

Swami7774

I can second Smurfette's post. Stay the hell AWAY from Google. I made the mistake, after my wife's diagnosis, of reading too much from too many sources and scaring the hell out of myself. Stick to your doctors and this site.

Colt45

Fellow husband here. We DO feel helpless. But you can be there for her. You must be there for her. Be her rock. I felt helpless. Felt like I could do nothing/ had done nothing at all to help. And yet my wife was incredibly grateful for how "great" I had been. And all I did was stand by her side. Be thoughtful. Be strong. Be kind. Comfort her. With your unwavering support, she'll handle the rest. Put together a team of doctors who look at your wife as an individual and who put together a treatment plan specifically for her. Google doesn't know your wife. Google has no idea what type of cancer she has or who her doctors are or how good a man you are. Don't bother with Google. Put together a good team that you trust. Then listen to them. All strength and blessings to you and your wife.

Drakkenfyre

Well I have an update. We met with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction. Following his recommendation due to her other health factors and the amount of tissue removal reconstruction will have to wait as to not compound her healing if she needs chemotherapy. She is also diabetic. So that isn't good either. Monday is oncologist hopefully we find some good news out after tests are run. I appreciate all the feedback. It is helping me to stay strong. Thanks everyone

MFalabella

You are doing the right thing, remind her how beautiful she is to her, no matter her decision. Pray with her, cry with her. These are the things my husband did for me and is still doing post surgery, pre chemo. Then bring her here. we have a wonderful support system here with lots of experience with lots of different circumstances and situations. Gentle hugs to you and to her.

xoxoMichelle

Lisey

Drakken, I'm younger and flat... Women can rock the flat. Please ask her to join us on Flat and Fabulous on FB.. it's full of a wonderful group of women who chose NOT to do any reconstruction. We are back to a new normal very quickly and there's a lot of benefits to staying flat, so having a time to just heal is great.

msphil

sweetie i was diagnosed while we were making wedding plans for our 2nd marriage my then Fiancee now husband was a pillar of strengh for me he believed i would make when i doubted in beginning But God i am a 22 yr Survivor this yr Praise God so u hang in there for her n Believe have Hope My Husband did God Bless. msphil idc stage2 Lmast and chemo and rads n 5yrs on Tamoxifen

LizM

You are such a good husband for coming to this site. Your wife is very lucky. It may take some time for your wife to wrap her head around her breast cancer diagnosis. The beginning when you don't know the extent of the cancer is the worst part. Once your wife has had surgery, and knows exactly what she is dealing with, it gets a little easier. Her emotions will probably be all over the place and that is okay. Feeling, mad, sad, whatever, is normal. I remember I only wanted to hear positive stories about breast cancer survivors when I was first diagnosed. I actually sought them out, and believe me, there are plenty of them. It was helpful for me to just take one step at a time, and not to get too a head of myself in my knowledge... to only research and go to the discussion topics that concerned my situation. The women here are extremely knowledgeable. You and your wife (if she decides to come here) will learn so much. I don't know what I would have done without this site when going through active treatment and beyond. Just remember, there are close to 3 million of us breast cancer survivors thriving in the US today. I am an 11 year survivor.

Nomatterwhat

The two of you can do this together. My husband went to every doctor's appointment with me, every chemo treatment and the initial radiation treatments with me. He didn't leave my hospital bedside for the three days I was in the hospital after my BMX and he was home with me for the three weeks I was home following surgery. He cried with me from day one when I was diagnosed, when my hair fell out and through tears of joy when we were told NED!!!! We have just celebrated our two year NED and he is still here and hopefully will be for the next 33 years of marriage.

Keep us informed and be her best advocate. She needs you now more than ever.

Drakkenfyre

Update waiting on test results for er/pr. The knot removed was 9mm the margins aren't clean. The cancer is invasive. Petscan Friday

mara51506

Sorry to hear about the margins. As many have stated, you coming here for your wife is great because as the others have stated, it will help you with questions you may not know you have.

Cancer is definitely scary but it really is helpful to have the support of everyone here.

I agree about NOT googling survival stats etc since they will not apply directly to your wife anyway. I would however recommend it if you are trying to find support groups or information say from this site regarding dealing with treatment side effects etc. You will come to find these discussion boards a treasure trove of great information at all stages of her treatment and there will always be something that helped someone else that can help her. My best to you both and good luck with everything.

Colt45

You're doing a good job, brother. Keep compiling the information. Soon enough you will have enough data to formulate a plan with the team of doctors that you assemble. This is all part of the process. You are on the right track...keep moving forward.

tsoebbin

I second Lisey. The flat and fabulous FB site is super helpful. It gave me courage to stay flat. Pretty happy so far... 6 weeks post BMX.

mike3121

As someone posted above, don't look up survival rates by stage. Most of that info is old and sometimes they put out scary information to drum up donations. Your life is going to get crazy. You'll learn a new vocabulary (infusions, AC, taxol, pick line, markers, etc). You will also nervously hang by the phones waiting for the results of her latest PET or other scan.

Sad to say but "welcome to the club."

My wife's BC history. My wife refuses to use the internet, well except for Amazon and Ebay.

My wife, back in Dec of 2012 was diagnosed with Stage 4 ER+ PR+ HER2- breast cancer. One node and a small spot on the spine. After 3 infusions of AC she was clean except for the 6 cm tumor in her breast. The oncologist said since the cancer was responding well to estrogen blocker (aromasin) it was best to leave it be. Ops forgot to mention in the midst of all this cancer stuff she had to have removed a grapefruit sized and very painful non-cancerous ovarian cyst.

A little over a year later, Nov 2014, the cancer morphed and went crazy. She had a radical mastectomy and breast removal. A biopsy showed it to be ER+ and the oncologist prescribed tamoxifen. 19 lymph nodes were removed and 9 of the 19 had triple negative Metaplastic keratinized squamous carcinoma. A PET scan done after the surgery showed some cancer still in her armpit, probably spill over from the nodes. She has two cancers, one ER+ PR+ HER2- and another triple negative. She went back on A-C (lifetime amount), no Taxol as she almost died from it earlier. Almost died from NeuLasta too. Also 7 weeks of radiation.

After all that she had to have major surgery to remove a tumor from her kidney. Eighty five percent were cancerous but hers was benign. Happy dance, she's NED and back on tamoxifen.

Prayers and fingers crossed.

Drakkenfyre

I stopped reading after metastasis going into the brain. Bc she has been having headaches for awhile now. Then the doctor said invasive and I'm just on edge. Trying to stay positive

LizM

This stuff is very scary but it is very important to remember that the stories you read about breast cancer are NOT your wife's story. Once you are diagnosed with breast cancer, every little ache, pain, etc that you had before, now makes you think the cancer has spread. It's been 10 years for me, and I still think that. It is very normal but try to just take it one step at a time.

Momine

Drakkenfrye, I did not have immediate recon, for medical reasons. I gotta tell you that I am so grateful, because it gave me the chance to realize that flat really isn't the huge horrible deal some people make it out to be. I am 5 years out and still flat. Would your wife love you less if you lost an ear, an arm or a leg? I would obviously prefer to have all my bits, but they are just bits. I am still me

ChiSandy

Drakkenfyre, 80% of breast cancers are “invasive” as opposed to “in situ.” And invasive ductal, hormone-receptor-positive/HER2-negative, is the most common breast cancer. Early-stage invasive cancer can still be slow-growing and have very long-term disease-free survival. So don’t panic.

MFalabella

I have an amazing husband too, although he feels like this a place for us ladies to bond, You are another great husband, keep doing what you are doing, don't let her feel alone and continue to let her know that she is beautiful, breasts or no breasts. it is important for us to feel attractive to our spouses!

xoxoMichelle

MFalabella

Headaches can also be caused by stress, so please dont borrow sorrow from tomorrow, Enjoy each day, and keep that fighting spirit burning

xoxoMichelle

Drakkenfyre

I have a update. Thursday she had her double mastectomy. Right simple left radical. She is recovering well. Pathologist report was clean for her lymph nodes. Follow up next week. So far everything is all clear. I'm happy that we caught it early. I just hate I can't take her pain away.

Smurfette26

So glad her surgery went well. Great news on the clear nodes.