Heartbroken

Briannek

I had an incision packed yesterday after a lymph node biopsy wouldn't heal. So today my husband had to pack it. After I pulled out the gauze he just had that look in his eyes. After he finished packing it started crying and said "I don't think I can ever have sex with you again."

He's been so supportive but then was just too much for him. What do I do.

Holeinone

Give him time. Not easy for either of you. He shouldn't of said that, but give him time, he will see you heal and how well you are doing.

Smurfette26

Thinking of you. Hugs.

Lisey

Some people are very visual and things can be traumatizing. I can't look at my stitches currently and I certainly can't deal with blood / fluid / cavities stuff... My husband KNOWS that if he has an issue like that, we have to have a friend or hire a nurse because I would be ruined doing it. I know this about myself. You need to protect your husband from the gross factor if he is squeamish. Some of us simply are. Rather than have an expectation that he be your nurse, find a good friend or other family member to do it. I wouldn't let my husband watch my lower half when I birthed our children for the same reason... what if I poo'd??? So.. I've always been protective in keeping some of the mystery and having clear boundaries about what I want him to witness or not. And I had friends help me with my wound care during my BMX, I never let my husband see any of it. He also protects me from our kids being sick / vomit because I can't do that. I haven't had to clean up vomit since I started dating him as a single mom 14 years ago.

Some men are naturally good at being caretakers, others aren't. Same with women. You have to know your spouse and not ask them to do more than they are capable of. And as for his comment.. You should give him some Grace, and some for yourself as well. Recognize this is not about YOU, and simply about him and his squeamishness.

Briannek

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. He said he could do the packing, and just want to take care of me.

But I think I'm going to take your advice and have my aunt do it. It will save him the trauma.

mustlovepoodles

I think you are wise, BrianneK. I'm sure your poor husband is just mortified by the words that came flying out of his mouth. He has probably been beating himself up ever since. Sometimes people say stupid things in the shock of the moment. Unless this is a pattern with him, I would try not to hold it against him.

I had massive tissue necrosis following my BMX. I mean it was really hideous--it looked like a rabid dog had taken a chunk out of my right chest. As Donald Trump would say, "Yuuuuge." About a week after surgery, my PS and her NP went at it with their tweezers and scissors and took out all the dead tissue. Then she opened up a 3in seroma on the other breast. When I looked over at my DH, he averted his eyes. I thought he was going to be sick. Then the NP made me look at it with a mirror and I thought *I* was going to be sick! They sent me home with a bag of supplies for twice a day packings.

It was awful. Awful, awful, awful. I looked completely mutilated. I've been a nurse for 39 years and this was one of the worst wounds I've seen. Awful. My poor DH wanted so badly to help but he just couldn't. He didn't say anything stupid, but he felt terrible that he just could NOT look at or handle my wounds. After 3 days, I was so distressed with the situation that I could hardly function. And that's when DH rallied. He took my PS aside and told her "THIS IS NOT WORKING!" He demanded that she do something because he was not going to stand by and let his wife just go through this terrible treatment (I have a prior history of debilitating depression, so it would be very easy for me to "go there.") My PS decided on the spot that I no longer needed to do the dressing changes. Instead, she put a wound vac on the right side (the worst side) and had me come in every 2-3 days for THEM to change it. Sweet relief! The seroma still needed to be packed with a thin ribbon twice a day, but it was nothing compared to the other side.

It took 16 weeks for my wounds to completely heal. My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD about 4 weeks after my BMX. D'uh!